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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to take 2 cars on my wedding day to accommodate someone?

156 replies

FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 20:17

I'm getting married on Friday - it's just a small do with 18 guests. Two of the people invited are my daughter's sister who is 26 and niece who is 2. ( my dd is almost 16 and they have the same father,. I'm not particularly close to her however we get on absolutely fine and my daughter is close to her , sees her often and babysits a lot for her niece.

I invited her to the wedding. We are getting married 12 miles from here and then it's a further 12 miles or so to where we are having lunch and then it's back to our house. My daughters sister does not drive and has now just told me that she can't get there using buses etc because where we are going is not on a bus route

We have two cars. We were only taking one because there are four of us in the family. I really do not want to take two cars to accommodate her. It would mean me driving , my ( soon to be ! ) husband driving and all this to fit her in with her little girl. I just don't want to drive there separately , get married and then drive off to the lunch separately etc etc.

My daughter thinks I'm BU. I think she's 26 years old an she's had enough notice to sort out a lift or a babysitter for her child ( who is very welcome of course but if it wasn't for her, we'd be able to squeeze her in )

My daughter wants her there. I do as well but I just don't want to take two cars.

So ... AIBU ?

OP posts:
BlueGoddess · 26/08/2014 20:32

Can you borrow or hire a 7 seater?

Original poster
FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 20:32

I can't really ask my friends to come and drive one of my cars . It's too big an ask . They don't know her and I'd probably rather just do it myself

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 26/08/2014 20:33

Can't you hire a mini bus for all of you and have a few celebratory drinks at the same time? Failing that I'd take two cars to make sure other dd /dn can get to the wedding.

LadyLuck10 · 26/08/2014 20:34

Could you perhaps pay for the taxi for her?

Original poster
FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 20:35

She is an ex's daughter yes. And the thread is not about how bothered I am about her utilities. I give and have given her loads of money and bits and pieces. She does things like buy clothes , fags and make up and then tells me she can't pay her sky and it's being cut off. That's not the issue - I'm not some uncaring stepmother - I spilt up with her father 14 years ago and I am not in a step mum capacity despite helping her out over the years

OP posts:
Blu · 26/08/2014 20:36

Will either you or your DH drive your car then? I would splash out on a taxi so that you can enjoy a drink with your wedding lunch. And maybe get one if those mini van taxis to fit everyone in, and if you are skint get everyone to chip in.

Felyne · 26/08/2014 20:36

Your daughter's sister is also your daughter, right? You have two daughters?
I guess it depends on how much you want her there and whether that can override the annoyance in having to sort her transport out for her.

Original poster
FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 20:36

I suppose I feel that I'm cornered into doing it .

She's a grown up. And yet again I'm having to accommodate her because she can't afford it / didn't sort it out ( her boyfriend has a car and drives but is ' busy ' ) and I keep thinking SHES AN ADULT

OP posts:
Original poster
FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 20:38

She's not my daughter . My daughter and her sister have different mothers. So I am mother to my own dd ( obviously ! ) but not mum to her half sister

OP posts:
Original poster
FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 20:38

Ugh.

I'll just bloody message her back and say we will take two cars. I just feel churlish about it . Rightly or wrongly

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 26/08/2014 20:38

You sound really nice and caring OP. Its lovely that you've done so much for your dd's sister over the years.

the problem is, once you start doing it, these people start to expect you to help out all the time. If you want to carry on helping her then offer to pay the taxi for her.

If you don't want to do this, and to be honest, I wouldn't want to do it either and don't think you should feel that you have too, then just don't do it.

And explain to your dd that although she wants her sister to be at your wedding, sometimes we can't always have what we want.

Viviennemary · 26/08/2014 20:39

Under the circumstances I think somebody should help out and give her a lift even if it means two journeys. People usually do things like this even though it is a bit of an imposition and they might moan. She seems quite a close family member so it's worth trying to do your best to get her a lift especially as she hasn't got much money. I don't think you should do the driving though.

HermioneWeasley · 26/08/2014 20:39

Surely you can't take 2 cars as at least one of you will be toasting your wedding?

How much do you want your former step daughter (your daughter's half sister if I have understood it?) at your wedding?

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/08/2014 20:40

Yanbu would would expect a lift off a bride on her wedding day

DancingDinosaur · 26/08/2014 20:40

Well if she's on income support i don't suppose she can afford it. I'm sure you'd rather have her there though op? As obviously the alternative is she doesn't come. Which would be a shame for her father, dd, and hopefully you.

BreatheandFlyAway · 26/08/2014 20:41

Pay for her cab and say it's her Xmas pressie? And she can have it in cash and sort out her own transport if she prefers (will be interesting to see how resourceful she becomes) - but you plan to drink at your own wedding so won't be driving. Put it in email or text so it can't be misreported to all and sundry. Better yet get your dp to do the email.

PenisesAreNotPink · 26/08/2014 20:42

No you shouldn't take 2 cars.

I sort of don't get why your driving to your own wedding Confused

No high heels, no champagne toast Grin

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/08/2014 20:42

Why have you arranged your wedding that way? Venue miles away, reception miles away from that...seems a bit awkward. And with 8 weeks notice, on income support, of course she can't save an extra £50 for taxi fares.
You've made it impossible for her to come. Unintentionally, but even so.

DancingDinosaur · 26/08/2014 20:42

Oh, just realised its not her dad you're marrying. Nice you kept close contact though.

DoJo · 26/08/2014 20:43

I can completely understand why you feel as you do - the suggestion up-thread about hiring or borrowing a larger car for the day could be a good compromise? It is your 'big' day, however small it actually is, and driving off in separate cars after the ceremony would feel peculiar to me too. Unless it's worth £50 in taxis to have this situation resolved...!

Mintyy · 26/08/2014 20:44

So who is driving out of the two of you - you or dh?

magoria · 26/08/2014 20:45

You give her money and stuff. She spends the money on shit and then gets utilities cut off. Yet she also has SKY.

She will not change all the time you bail her out. The lift is a symptom of doing stuff for her.

Whatever you decide to do now after this I think you need to leave her to learn to spend her money on necessities.

SuperGlue · 26/08/2014 20:46

I think that you and your soon-to-be-dh need to get someone to drive you both to the ceremony (bother / friend etc) in one of the cars (like in a more traditional wedding) that way you can both have a glass of bubbles / wine etc to celebrate.

Ask someone else to drive the second car with the 2 step sisters and child

Sorted

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 26/08/2014 20:49

I'm with you on this one OP.

I wouldn't want to be driving on my wedding day and certainly not in a different car to my new DH.

Can you afford to get one vehicle for everybody to share? If not, then go for the cheapest option to get her where she needs to be (you seem to want her there).

LapsedTwentysomething · 26/08/2014 20:50

Is there any way you could hire a larger taxi it minibus? It would be a nice gesture and would mean she could be included. More fun as all adults can have some Wine.

Presumably you'll be paying for the meal anyway. I know it's an extra expense but then weddings cost.