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Original poster

I nearly killed myself today

476 replies

PepsiTwirl · 25/08/2014 23:48

Really sorry but put here for traffic.

I put it in mental health a couple of hours ago but noone responded.

I was going to kill myself , but just as I was about to take tablets, my partner walked in.

DP knows I'm having a hard time, but not this hard.

We spoke for abit, and cried together. DP now asleep and need to talk

(I added a symbol to a random thread to make sure name change had worked)

OP posts:
Whichusername · 27/08/2014 00:05

My first post on MN!

Please stay Pepsi. You will get help and feel better. One day at a time. None of it was your fault. You kept going back to his house because you were an innocent 9 year old child who trusted an adult yo have your begs interest at heart. Am so sorry for the hurt you are going through. So the counselling and medication haven't helped much so far but that doesn't have to mean you have to end your life. It just means you need a different strategy. Please take the advice already offered.

Please stay. Please

Whichusername · 27/08/2014 00:06

Sorry for the spelling mistakes. Trying to type fast on the iPad.

thebestone · 27/08/2014 00:08

most likely you'll end up in a&e, probably wont be sectioned, maybe admitted, dd was in a very similar place, in a&e it was basically her choice whether to be kept or not.

Whichusername · 27/08/2014 00:08

Are you still there Pepsi? Hopefully you are asleep and will feel stronger in the morning.

Coumarin · 27/08/2014 00:15

I don't have anything helpful to add at the moment but just wanted to say I'm still reading and listening.

You are in no way to blame.

Keep talking sweetheart. xx

temporaryusername · 27/08/2014 00:19

No child of the age you were could evaluate the situation or understand what it all meant. You would have been fearful and confused. You should have been able to do anything and be safe, but sadly there are people who take advantage of the young and innocent.

I really think an expert will be able to help you make sense of this. I am not one at all, but I can imagine maybe automatic responses in a child so young, who wouldn't be able (no child could) to monitor and assess their responses. When you don't know the full meaning and significance of something, and you haven't yet learned as an adult about how to consciously intervene in your own mind, you can't do anything else but just try to survive. I can imagine you being terrified, and being confused about what was happening, who this man was, whether you should call him wrong or do as he said. This is partly why child abuse is so awful. You weren't fully grown, you couldn't fight your corner, and that isn't your fault. Every bit of fault is with the abuser.

I'm sorry if I've said the wrong thing, I am out of my depth here. I'm very sorry though that you're suffering so much as a result of someone else's horrific actions. You can survive this, please try to believe you can come through this pain and get pleasure from life. You deserve some happiness and security, please hold on for it.

DD85 · 27/08/2014 00:23

Pepsi, you can't blame yourself for things an adult did to you when you were just a little girl. Keep talking to us. Baby steps remember. Xx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/08/2014 00:25

Any adult who abuses a child banks on their vulnerability and helplessness. He knew what he was doing, you were out of your depth, you were just a nine year old Pepsi. He was a coward who did something criminal and you are brave and I just wish you believed that. Asking for help is another brave step forward.

I hope you can get some rest but if you can't get to sleep yet please remember there's always someone awake on here.

Or try thinking of the sort of break you might take with DP. He might be asleep and snoring now but he clearly cares about you.

They say if you hold an ice cube in your hand the pain from the ice will resemble the pain from self-injury. But it's neither harmful nor dangerous to you.

fluffyduffydoo · 27/08/2014 00:31

You can't prevent it when you are are 9 years old

You just simply can't because you have no reference that these 'people who you trust' maybe sexual abusers

And if your anything like me it takes years to actually realise you were abused (unless it was penetration)

I was sexually abused twice. Once by a family member and once by a janitor at my school

Many girls and boys were sexually abused by this janitor and the bizarre thing was we all went to his house willingly at lunchtimes and in the holidays because he seemed to care about us, showed an interest in us and he was a sort of father/grandfather cuddly safe person in the way he presented himself

The reality looking back on it is quite simple he was a paedophile, I couldn't see it , ffs my parents couldn't see it and they were grown ups and encouraged me to keep in touch as he did alot for the school and was therefore safe!

Times are changing, we are now as a nation standing up and saying NO you can not do this. People are now being prosecuted for past crimes

I reported both of my abusers to the police 4 years ago, 30 plus years ago from when they occurred

One has been been prosecuted, they other not enough evidence against but it is never to late to find your voice and report them

promise you it will make you feel better if you do and if you want any support in doing so pm me and I'll talk you through how I approached it

Keep your chin up girl you are worth far far far far more than that scumbag

Flowers
nocoolnamesleft · 27/08/2014 00:42

You were a child. None of it was your fault. 9 is so young. Too young. It was his fault. Not yours. Never yours. You we're too young to really understand. Tonight...it kind of sounds like that scared bewildered 9 yr old is peering out of your eyes. I wish I could give her/you a gentle hug. Then do something bloody nasty to the bastard that hurt you.

Grumpyrealist77 · 27/08/2014 00:48

Hi PepsiTwirl.

I was just passing through on my way to bed.
Your post caught me. I've shed a couple of tears.
Please stay! Its not fair that his abuse has led to self-hatred.
He made it seem normal. You trusted him because he was an adult.
We all did as kids, its natural. Most adults dont have twisted boundaries.
He should be tracked down and sent to prison for a long time, but you have to get better first.
You have a chemical imbalance in your brain that you cannot do anything about. Theres no on/off switch! Caused by you beating yourself up because of HIS actions! I'm sure you didnt instigate anything at 9 years of age!? He was/is a sick and disgusting person.
Your partner sounds like he cares. Its difficult for him to deal with, moreso for you obviously!
I hope you pull through. It will take time. Theres lots of people here thinking of you.
x

jonicomelately · 27/08/2014 00:54

It was in no way your fault.

blanklook · 27/08/2014 01:09

Pepsi, what happened in the past is not your fault.

The way you are feeling right now is not your fault.

The NHS website says "Contact your GP, or go to hospital immediately, if you have thoughts of killing or harming yourself at any time while you are taking antidepressants." www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Antidepressant-drugs/Pages/Side-effects.aspx

Coughle · 27/08/2014 02:37

Hi Pepsi, just checking back in to see how you're doing. I'm here and ready to listen if you feel like talking. Flowers

oldnewmummy · 27/08/2014 02:47

Hi Pepsi. Just repeating what the others have said that this was NOT your fault - you were a child.

Please don't go, and please keep looking for help. Maybe there are other medications that will work better, and try a different counsellor. There are lots of people who care about you.

Hopefully you're asleep, but if not then I'm here to talk too.

Idocrazythings · 27/08/2014 06:40

Paedophiles are very clever, very patient, sociopaths. They groom you. They manipulate situations so you think it is your fault, or your choice but it's NOT. They are the sole ones to blame. That is how they get away with it.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2014 08:35

Another one checking in on you Pepsi, hope you have gotten some sleep

wakemewhenitsover · 27/08/2014 10:43

Hi Pepsi, how are things today?

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 27/08/2014 12:36

I'm here.

Just woke up after 12 hours!!!!!!!!! Shock

OP posts:
londonrach · 27/08/2014 12:47

Hugs persi. Hope it was a good sleep.

Curlyweasel · 27/08/2014 13:28

Pepsi - hope your 12 hours have helped. If I can offer a little bit of experience - I had something very similar happen to me when I was around that age. Looking back, I think I was looking for someone to love me. I didn't realise until later in my life that this man simply took advantage of that. I never feel it was my fault now (believe me, I did), because I forgave myself for what happened when I realised I wasn't to blame (if that's not a contradiction in terms). I hope you work this out. Cornwall in the cold sounds lovely. Also, remove battery from clock Smile. xxx

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 27/08/2014 13:41

I take on board what everyone said and I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart that has made lovely comments

I kept going back to a house where I was raped everytime I went there, I didn't have to keep going back but I did. and I don't understand why I kept going back there

OP posts:
Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 27/08/2014 13:44

He has made me the person I am today.
My outlook on life, how negative I am, the wall that is constantly up, the angry frustrated person. The person That can't live without anti depressants

OP posts:
CarbeDiem · 27/08/2014 16:43

Pepsi - How you describe yourself in your last post could have described me a few years ago. I'm not that person any more.

He is responsible for the problems that you have until today but YOU are in control of the rest of your life.
I know, sadly from experience, that it sounds easy and it's not but you honestly can move forward. You are 100% absolutely NOT to blame for what happened to you, please believe that. You need professional help for it all to become understandable (I won't say make sense because what happened will never make sense)
I remember exactly when things changed for me, how and why I started to fight it.

Grumpyrealist77 · 27/08/2014 16:44

Hello PepsiTwirl.
Would reporting him help you, do you think?
It seems like you can't escape from that chapter of your life. I can't imagine how it must feel...
If he was made to face up to his wrongdoings would it change your current outlook/situation?
Thinking of you.

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