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AIBU?

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Original poster

I nearly killed myself today

476 replies

PepsiTwirl · 25/08/2014 23:48

Really sorry but put here for traffic.

I put it in mental health a couple of hours ago but noone responded.

I was going to kill myself , but just as I was about to take tablets, my partner walked in.

DP knows I'm having a hard time, but not this hard.

We spoke for abit, and cried together. DP now asleep and need to talk

(I added a symbol to a random thread to make sure name change had worked)

OP posts:
triplets · 26/08/2014 22:14

Cornwall is lovely but I don`t think its pretty like Devon, too many narrow lanes! Have you had a holiday at all this year Pepsi?

Mouldypineapple · 26/08/2014 22:25

What other holiday destinations do you fancy? UK or abroad? Do you like flying?

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 22:44

Haven't had a holiday. really need one but don't want to go at same time.

Don't want to let DP down on holiday and be boring on holiday

OP posts:
ritachaher · 26/08/2014 22:48

Hi OP, which web site are you looking for holidays in? I can help x

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2014 22:58

Pepsi I don't know what to saw, but we are here for you, please don't do anything. There are some great advice on her. You are not alone.

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 22:59

Hello..

Any really... not really looking to be honest. Just waiting time away

OP posts:
Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 22:59

just wasting time away

OP posts:
Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 23:06

DP persuaded me to come to bed together but now his sleeping and I'm just laying in the dark

OP posts:
Mouldypineapple · 26/08/2014 23:14

Do you have games on your phone? Which do you like? I'm a bit addicted to Cookie Jam myself. Perhaps if you played something it might relax you a little.. Did you sleep today?

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 23:19

I had about 4 hours from about 5am..
Today, I haven't slept....
Thinking I need to sleep, but wanting to hurt myself

OP posts:
Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 23:20

It's a really weird feeling and very intense

OP posts:
Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 23:23

Think I will just shut up now

OP posts:
triplets · 26/08/2014 23:26

Do you feel you need to physically punish yourself, for what happened to you when you were 9?

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/08/2014 23:26

Pepsitwirl don't do it.

You have a lifetime of happy memories in front of you.

Do you have any ambitions or dreams.

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 23:27

It was my fault. I kept going back

OP posts:
MrsMinton · 26/08/2014 23:27

Do you like to listen to music or how would you feel about a meditation app?

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 23:29

The house is very quiet. DP sleeping

OP posts:
triplets · 26/08/2014 23:31

Pepsi.......you were a child, just a child..........

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 23:33

I must of known.

He was a neighbour, he had children.

I always knocked for them, the kids were never there, he would invite me in, I would go in.
Why did I always go in? Why did I keep knocking for the kids?

OP posts:
triplets · 26/08/2014 23:34

its very quiet here too...........my clock is tick tocking, I am looking at my pictures, my Mum, Dad and Matthew.........God I miss them xxx

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/08/2014 23:38

You was 9, just a little older than my son.

He has broken a lot of things, he has been a nightmare in school and really tested my patience.

Do you think that when he is an adt he should blame himself for any of these things, my answer is no because he is a child.

ICanSeeTheSun · 26/08/2014 23:47

Children have security and trust in adults.

You went back as a 9 year old because of this, you trusted that this parent wasn't doing anything wrong.

You have to realise none of this was you'd fault

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 23:48

I would go to his house.

He wouldn't come to mine.

I could of prevented it. I didnt

OP posts:
temporaryusername · 26/08/2014 23:56

Pepsi, sorry to burst in on the thread, but what happened is not on you. You did not voluntarily or willingly harm yourself - he harmed you. He was the adult and you were a young and vulnerable child. What he did was horrifying, you were the victim. Please, please believe me. You can get help to realise that - you might not be able to fully accept it now but you will know it in time. Your memories are a child's memories - if you could see the situation as an adult you might feel very differently about who should take blame, and it would never be you. There are no circumstances in which you could have been to blame.

wakemewhenitsover · 26/08/2014 23:57

You're angry Pepsi. And so you should be. But not with your 9 year old self, with that animal that abused you. You're a strong woman to have lived with these feelings all these years, you now owe it yourself to come out from under the cloud that's been following you. Get help. Speak to people that can help you professionally. I'm afraid I don't know who that would be but your GP should be able to get you in touch with a counsellor who's experienced with what you've been through. Sending hugs x