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AIBU?

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Original poster

I nearly killed myself today

476 replies

PepsiTwirl · 25/08/2014 23:48

Really sorry but put here for traffic.

I put it in mental health a couple of hours ago but noone responded.

I was going to kill myself , but just as I was about to take tablets, my partner walked in.

DP knows I'm having a hard time, but not this hard.

We spoke for abit, and cried together. DP now asleep and need to talk

(I added a symbol to a random thread to make sure name change had worked)

OP posts:
GreenPetal94 · 26/08/2014 15:30

When I was suicidal over quite a long period the most useful thing anyone told me was "Just Wait". No arguing how you feel, but Just Wait.

If you can only Wait a minute to not buy dangerous tablets or Wait an hour til your partner comes home or Wait a week til the next appointment Or a month til the tablets kick in. One day you will realise you have Waited til you feel better.

Just Wait.

Coumarin · 26/08/2014 15:36

Yy to 'just wait'.

You've motivated me to clean the house. It's looking shiny now thanks to you. Smile

You've been extraordinarily strong and brave to ask for help, to keep talking and to be here today. You're in control, remember that.

phantomnamechanger · 26/08/2014 15:36

Latecomer to the thread but another wishing you health and strength OP.
Baby steps. Take care x

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 17:25

Partner has said to look at holidays and he will take me away.

Think he is trying to keep me busy

OP posts:
Coumarin · 26/08/2014 17:29

Having something to look forward to is important I find.

How has today been? Your DP will be home soon.

Rooners · 26/08/2014 17:38

This might sound really stupid so please forgive me, but I actually went through similar stuff to what you are going through, I think, when I was in my teens and early 20s.

I would get into a situation where I was just really afraid and didn't know what I was feeling or why or what I was going to do.

Do you know what helped? I realised it got like that when I had too much caffeine. It isn't the whole answer but it was that freaked out feeling that everything was wrong and I didn't belong anywhere and I was in danger, or something, just a horrible confusion. It's a sort of panic attack I suppose.

I wonder ifyou stopped having anything stimulating - caffeine is one thing but alcohol, high suger stuff, or cigarettes or whatever - and give it a week and see if you feel boring and stable or not. You might just find it helps avoid moments like this.

I no longer have caffeine at all apart from the odd chocolate binge and when I do, boy do I notice the anxiety and strange feelings racking up. It's because your body reacts to the toxin by producing more adrenalin which as you know, sets off your fight or flight state.

It isn't going to take away your experience or what happened to you or anything else, but it is something a lot of people find help them to cope with and feel more in control of their own feelings, if they are prone to panic or just general anxiety and fear.

Just a suggestion xxx

anonacfr · 26/08/2014 17:49

That's a nice idea of your husband. Is there anywhere you've always wanted to go to?

anonacfr · 26/08/2014 18:03

Sorry I meant partner

DanielSan · 26/08/2014 18:39

I'm so glad you're still here pepsi! Well done for getting through last night, it must have been terrifying for you. I remember walking down union street in Aberdeen, across the bridge, and I suddenly realized that if the people walking past me could see how bad I felt on the outside they would call an ambulance. I wanted to scream at them for help, but I couldn't, so I decided that was it, and I was either going to jump, or walk to the doctors surgery and refuse to leave until someone helped me. It was the best decision I ever made, the doctor was so kind and caring, and although it certainly didn't fix everything straight away - I'm still taking anti depressants, and I still see a counsellor - it has improved my life immeasurably in ways I could never have foreseen. At 30, your life has hardly begun, the coming decades will bring you indescribable joy (as the gorgeous 1 and a half year old banging me on the head with a plastic Ninky Nonk will attest to), and sadness too, but don't let your whole life be defined by this awful, horrible act that wasn't your fault. You deserve so, so much better xxxxxx

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 18:54

I don't want to go away

OP posts:
Coumarin · 26/08/2014 19:16

Then you don't have to. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

What Rooners said is very true. I don't have caffeine and really limit my sugar intake now because of the awful effects both have on my emotions and mood. I used to think 'yeah right' whenever someone said that a change of diet could make a difference but it's had a dramatic effect. Just something to make a note of for when you are feeling up to thinking about it.

Remember, you are the one in control here. You get the final say on what you want to do. XxX

madasa · 26/08/2014 19:27

Pepsi well done for getting through that long dark night.

One year ago I was where you are now. I went to see my GP, unable to speak I handed him a piece of paper with my feelings scrawled across it.

Nobody condemned me, sectioned me or any of the terrible things I thought might happen.

He prescribed me medication and has supported me since then by seeing me regularly. Once I let my DP in. he supported me too.

I found that piece of paper only this weekend...it made me cry, mainly tears of relief that I no longer feel that way.

Please see your GP and please tell your DP how you really feel...you can get through this, you really can.

Take care x

zeezeek · 26/08/2014 19:30

Don't go. As others have said, you have too much to offer the world. The darkness will pass and there is help available, even though, sometimes, the hardest thing in the world is to go and ask for it.

My fiance killed himself when he was 19. He had suffered for a long time and got to the point where there was no way out for him. For a long time after he died I wanted to join him - in fact he wanted us to go together, but I didn't want to - and afterwards I thought that was because I didn't love him enough and I found myself wishing that I had died with him. I remember that I took lots of chances with pills - taking a few too many and leaving it to fate to decide whether I would survive the night or not. I always did. One night I lay on my bed with my dog and realised that I didn't want to die that night because I didn't want to leave my dog. I got help from my GP. Like you I didn't really talk to my parents or brother, or any of my friends and they all thought I was ok. Even now it's never mentioned in my family and I have to admit that it has irreparably damaged my relationship with my parents and I've lost contact with my friends from that time. It's not their fault - it's mine, I should have told them how I felt.

It is a long journey that you have in front of you and you will have days where you want to take the pills. All I can say is that, on those days, just concentrate on getting through the next hour, or even the next 10 minutes if it is really bad. But the main thing to understand is that you will get there. There are people who can help you and who can give you the treatment that you need.

One day, I promise, you will look back on these days and be glad you stayed alive. It is true what people say, you never, ever get over losing someone you love through suicide; even now, over 25 years later, even though I have been married to someone else for a very long time and I love him very much, I still miss Adam.

Hope you have an easier night, sweetheart. xx

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 19:34

Iv been on medication for 9 years and i went to counselling a couple of years ago

OP posts:
madasa · 26/08/2014 19:57

Pepsi have you been on the same medication all that time?

Sometimes you need more than one lot of counselling...or a different counsellor ...or a different type of counsellor.

You can come through this x

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 20:02

The medication strength has gone up the last couple of years

OP posts:
madasa · 26/08/2014 20:41

Perhaps you need a different medication?

I'm no expert at all but maybe your body is used to this medication so that it is no longer so effective?

Is your GP approachable? Is he/she the sort of GP you could discuss this with?

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 20:43

Maybe..

Not really approachable..

Another dark night setting in

Partner very quiet tonight Sad

OP posts:
crispandfruity · 26/08/2014 20:51

Pepsi, feeling suicidal is a symptom. Just like finding a breast lump or something. You need to get checked out my love. I know you don't want to go to the Drs, I know you've had previous meds but you need some more help.

We are all with you, here to listen and support you. So glad to see you posting today Pepsi :)

madasa · 26/08/2014 20:54

Perhaps see a different GP?

Please keep talking on here...this will pass.

Just take 5 minutes at a time, then the next five....

ritachaher · 26/08/2014 20:54

Have you ever been to Cornwall?

Coughle · 26/08/2014 21:08

It's morning where I am. Just going for a nap after a rough night with farty baby, then I'll be back to see how you're doing. Hang in there Pepsi, you made it through one shitty night and you can make it through another. We're all here for you.

zeezeek · 26/08/2014 21:09

Cornwall is so lovely at the end of summer, beginning of Autumn. September tends to be quite sunny and it's quieter too, with the holiday-makers gone home. Towards the end of the month the trees start changing colour too. Do you like autumn, Pepsi?

valrhona · 26/08/2014 21:14

Hi Pepsi

Just checking in to say hang in there tonight. Night time can be harder. So why not Do something nice for yourself. Have a long hot shower, rub in some body lotion. Fresh pjs. Change your bedclothes or ask dp would he mind doing it while you're showering. Tea. A light hearted movie? Don't be hard on yourself.

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 22:06

I like the cold weather...

I would like to go to Cornwall

I can just hear the clock ticking.

Tick bloody tock

OP posts: