To be slightly annoyed at dp's comments re losing weight and marriage

[Mrskeats]

Hi

To give some context I was married for 19 years and dp has never married although been in long term relationships. We live together.
He knows that I would get married again despite the whole divorce nightmare. Just because I picked the wrong man doesn't men the whole systems wrong right?
So he's definitely marriage phobic for reasons I'm not really sure of.
Anyway he says well if you can get down to a size 12/14 (18 currently as I was when we met btw) we will get married.
I would like to lose weight but am a bit insulted that he sees himself as such a prize that I have to 'win' effectively
Safest bet I ever made he jokes. Grrr
Am I being unreasonable to think this is arrogant and a bit controlling?

[PeachyParisian]

Gone a bit off topic there. Size 18 can be obese but it all depends on height, shape etc and that isn't the issue here. OPs partner has been incredibly rude and inconsiderate, he could have just as easily made re comments if she was a size 12 and it makes no difference either way. He doesn't sound good enough to marry

[RedRoom]

'Thinks he's a better catch than he actually is' sums up my feelings towards him quite nicely.

[FuckTheMagicDragon]

Being married or not being married matters not one jot , in terms of feelings , when you are committed to each other and together.

It only matters if you split, have children, have given up work to be a SAHP or you find out that what you thought were joint assets are actually not.

It also matters if one of you passes away with no will, or are very ill and medical decisions have to be made on the others behalf, as if you are not married, you are legally not his next of kin.

[FuckTheMagicDragon]

On the comment re your size - maybe he thinks tempting you with marriage is a way to motivate you? But it is crass, negative and horrible way to go about it.

[maddening]

yanbu he is a twat - incidentally how long have you been wih him?

[BubbleButt14]

Peachy - or he has made a jokey comment that has come out wrong, and everyone on here has jumped on the "LTB/it's abuse / Kill Him" bandwagon that every thread featuring a man not absolutely worshipping his partner turns into on here

And - I really doubt he would have said it if she was a size 12........ whatever size/height/build, size 18 is on the large side....... and I do agree it is rude and inconsiderate to have been said in any context.

If she is happy at size 18, she is happy. He obviously finds her attractive if she was that size when they got together....... but it's not healthy for a person to be overweight.

[PetulaGordino]

or it might be honesty. how the fuck would you know?

do you think comments like yours below help women eat healthily?

"As for the poster above who said "my friend lost the weight for the wedding then put it back on again once married" = grounds for divorce, simple as. No excuse for giving up when you get married, kids or not - it's lazy and unattractive, and easily avoidable."

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

Jesus fucking Christ, here comes the mansplaining! It's a good thing you know all about how to lose weight, I'm absolutely certain DarkestEyes has no experience of major weight loss at all in her life... But you'd know all about her personal history, BubbleButt14, wouldn't you?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Well, thats what her twunt of a dh thinks.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

That was to gaining weight = grounds for divorce

[HowAboutNo]

Wow

I hope you told him to grow a bigger dick before you'll even consider having sex with him again

Definitely one for the exes pile.

[PetulaGordino]

you know women so well don't you?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Theres just no arguing with some mansplaining.
No wonder womens aid are so busy

[PetulaGordino]

what are you talking about amanda? i love it when men tell me what i think. it's such a turn-on

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

Well I for one am in awe of the wisdom.

It's the redundant hashtag and the wink that does it for me, a sure sign of someone pleased with their clever and original statement.

[Bouttimeforwine]

Oh God, he's made it obvious he doesn't want to get married full stop.

It's a joke ffs - probably not very funny, but an attempt to knock you back with humour. He's not really expecting or wanting you to lose weight. You were that size when he met you.

Let it go after pointing out it wan't funny.

What an over reaction from mumsnet.

[Darkesteyes]

Bubble Ive been doing Slimming World for the last year and lost 2 stone 9 pounds. ( I also did SW in 2002/2003 and lost ten stone going from 21 stone to 10 stone 12.

I was a size 28 at 21 stone. I did gain some weight back but nowhere near all of it. In the last year ive gone from a 22 to a 16/18 Small back small shoulders. big boobs and a curvier bum. Ive been very sensible with my diet, but my weight loss has slowed right down Still on SW but those thoughts from earlier ARE what im considering doing now. Out of sheer desperation and i DO excercise.

[Darkesteyes]

Ive been excsersising 4 times a week since 14th August last year

[Darkesteyes]

Hiding thread now Ive drawn attention to it with the appropriate authority and thats enough for me.

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

Out of interest,why is MN teaming with irritating blokes all of a sudden? When will they get bored and go away? Soon I hope.

[thicketofstars]

This conversation has drawn up some pretty unsavoury types, not least Bubblebutt. You should be ashamed of yourself. Imagine a world without kindness, tolerance, compassionate imaginative creativity and patience. The way you're talking BB, it sounds like that is actually where you come from!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Lots of couples are fully committed to aach other without being wed. But Marriage really does matter to some ppl. Lots of ppl. And when there's an imbalance between what one partner wants and the other then its a problem. For many people getting married clearly shows their commitment to each other. And not marrying is a sign that the other person doesn't want to commit. Which, in a way, is true.

Here, there's not much to go on tbh. But it looks like OP wants to be married to her DP. He does not want to be married but she's not sure why.
Maybe he is a serial monogamist, always waiting for the next, better thing to come along, always leaving his options open but enjoying the comfort that a "LT" relationship brings. Maybe he just doesn't think marriage is necessary and wants, still, to spend forever with OP?
Only he knows, but it doesn't seem as, though the OP knows.

Being overweight, it would seem, is usually a result of emotional overeating. Knowing about diet and exercise is not enough to curb our emotional drives.
Being made to feel bad about your overeating does not help, it can only make things worse and is unkind.

Maybe he is just rubbish at making jokes? There's not enough information about the context of the conversation to know whether he was playfully teasing her and loves her chubby bits, but just isnt the type to formalise his commitment, or whether what he was saying is: "I don't want to promise to stay with you forever (because you are too fat/ because I like the freedom of not being married) and i would like to keep my options open"

Fwiw, i am not overweight, but like many women i aspire to be thinner than i sometimes am. This only ever happens when i am relaxed and happy enough to never need to comfort eat.