To be slightly annoyed at dp's comments re losing weight and marriage

[Mrskeats]

Hi

To give some context I was married for 19 years and dp has never married although been in long term relationships. We live together.
He knows that I would get married again despite the whole divorce nightmare. Just because I picked the wrong man doesn't men the whole systems wrong right?
So he's definitely marriage phobic for reasons I'm not really sure of.
Anyway he says well if you can get down to a size 12/14 (18 currently as I was when we met btw) we will get married.
I would like to lose weight but am a bit insulted that he sees himself as such a prize that I have to 'win' effectively
Safest bet I ever made he jokes. Grrr
Am I being unreasonable to think this is arrogant and a bit controlling?

I don't know Gilbert. There's usually a forum somewhere where people are sniggering about mumsnet and goading each other to post inflammatory stuff. It's a shame it's never original stuff, that would make it far more entertaining

Do you think I am a bloke or an unsavoury type, just because I said it was an unfunny joke and disagreed with you all?

Yes you could all be right, but even in happy relationships people sometimes screw up with what they say, or make inappropriate jokes.

Op is feeling a bit upset the he doesn't want to marry her. Lots of people don't want to get married. She hasn't said if the weight is normally an issue. Most of you have jumped to the conclusion that he is a horrible bloke. We dont know that. He might be, but you can't conclude that from just the information given.

To me it sounds like an insensitive joke that takes the pressure off him to commit to a wedding.

i don't know whether you're a bloke or not bouttime - i hadn't actually seen your post of yesterday until now. you're not the only person on the thread who's said the same thing, so when you say "an overreaction from mumsnet" it's not really accurate - the majority disagree with you, but a few said the same as you. mumsnet isn't the borg

I enjoy all of the "ooh he's a man, so he's wrong" - before running off complaining. I thought this site was about opinions and comment, not simply complaining if something pops up you don't like or agree with.

Why should I be ashamed of myself Thicketofstars? I was merely pointing out that we have had one side of the story, and you are all basically lynching the husband, having a witchhunt for him, and trying to dictate this ladies life for her - and anyone with an opinion that is not the same as the one in here - as in this chap is the spawn of satan, and deserves to burn for eternity - it treat with contempt. YOU should be ashamed of YOURSELF

I appreciate the response from Darkesteyes, and I apologise to her as I have got her situation wrong - I was commenting from personal experience when a very close friend of mine succumbed to severe weightloss through anorexia, before killing herself - so for me it's a very personal matter, and not one to talk lightly of.

#irrelevanthashtag

Bouttimeforwine - that's the exact point - everyone says things in jest that come out wrong, or are suddenly inappropriate - but for me it is the "jumping in" to an instant judgement that is amusing....

Also - I think that TheRealAmandaClarke has succintly hit the nail on the head, summed the whole thing up perfectly.

why do you think people are disagreeing with you because you're a man? do you not think that you might be disagreed with because of your opinion and your way of expressing it?

No - I do believe on here that people would disagree because it was a man posting, then read the actual comments.

I'm not really too bothered - it amuses me that if the boot was on the other foot - as I pointed out before - guy lost weight for the wedding, put it back on afterwards, you'd all be screaming "LTB" because he doesn't care about the wife etc..... there are a lot of fair minded, rational people on here, but the sheer hypocrisy that leaps out in threads like this is both amusing, if a little sad.

I do, however, take a lot of the more inflammatory posts on here with a pinch of salt, as I'm not naive enough to think that people actually wholly think that way in real life

i think you're making a lot of assumptions about how women / MNers think and feel. it comes across very strongly in your posts that you seem to feel that you know better but can patronisingly take it all "with a pinch of salt". that may be why you get the responses you have received.

I dont think ppl would say "LTB" because a man had gained weight after his wedding. I have never seen it.
Women are less judgemental about the way their Dps look than vice versa. Women are far ,ore likely to be judged on their weight and looks than men.

And I think that the majority on this post have made assumptions about the OP's partner, and jumped to conclusions.

True - I have been a bit abrupt with some responses, but I am in no way being patronising - if people genuinely believed this in real life, away from this internet forum - it would be a little worrying.

"My Partner bought me chips" - he's making you fat, LTB
"My partner didn't answer his phone straight away" - he's having an affair, LTB.
"My partner earns more than me, but we both split the household bills" - he's controlling you, LTB.

The response to everything, regardless of situation or context, is that the man is ALWAYS in the wrong - which is quite clearly not going to be the case.

This OP basically suggests she's been hankering after getting married, and insinuates that it's an ongoing theme, to which her partner isn't exactly open to - and when he has (seemingly) jokingly responded, she's (understandably) got a bit offended - the sheer inability and unwillingness to even acknowledge this as a possibility of approx. 90% of people in this thread is the main issue.

Not everything in the world is a man's fault

you haven't read much of mumsnet if you think that women posters don't come in for flak themselves, and you have entirely misrepresented the LTB responses. but that's intentional perhaps.

what may not be intentional is your patronising tone. but just because people don't tell you they find you so in RL doesn't mean i can't say that you come across that way here. you are making assumptions about how women think, feel and behave. why?

This OP basically suggests she's been hankering after getting married, and insinuates that it's an ongoing theme, to which her partner isn't exactly open to - and when he has (seemingly) jokingly responded, she's (understandably) got a bit offended - the sheer inability and unwillingness to even acknowledge this as a possibility of approx. 90% of people in this thread is the main issue.

I have to say I agree with this.

bubble you are talking sense, but I do think how you are wording some of it is a bit inflammatory.

Talking sense in this instance I mean. The anti men bit is rather ott.

A lovely friend of mine had very beautiful, long blonde curly hair.

She mentioned she was thinking of cutting it to her DP. He said if you cut it I'll leave.

She cut it (really, really short). He left.

She is now married to someone a million times nicer.

I read a great expression on MN once, it said "listen to people when they are telling you who they are"

Amanda - that's not really true, is it. scrolling through FB, how many women are liking those "sexy firemen" or "hot guys" posts, and giving things like "oooh wish hubby looked like this" etc - I'd say it's certainly equal.

As another example - I tend to grow facial hair quite rapidly, and my wife is VERY specific about how long she "allows" me to have it, so much that if it's not at her preferred length, she's a right pain about it. However - the ONLY time I have let her determine it was for our wedding day..... but she will then comment on guys with beards on TV shows, in mags etc - which is quite funny if I question why she doesn't "allow" me one........

It's different to the weight thing, I know - but it's in a similar context. "You look like an idiot with that beard, get rid of it or I'm not kissing you" - whilst a decent idea for a thread on here - is not too far away from the OP's message.

Well you married the wrong person the first time.

You now want to marry another wrong person.

I think you need to work out why that is, what attracts you to men who aren't good for you. You are worth a lot more than that.

I will tell you now, these comments are aimed to put you down, to make you feel insecure and slowly I have no doubt there will be more. He has probably made these types of comments before right?

The safest bet I have ever made? that is mean and aimed to make you feel bad. I once went up to 13 stone and my husband never made a negative comment. If he had said he was worried for my health then fine, your partner said it to make you feel bad, basically saying you aren't worth marrying until you are slim.

He is a loser.

men's bodies and appearances haven't been commodified in the same way as women's, nor has there ever been the same degree of pressure to appear in certain ways purely for the satisfaction of the opposite sex. this doesn't mean that it is acceptable to make derogatory or objectifying remarks towards men, but it means that the comments are less loaded and are not part of a societal structure that places value on appearance above all else

Agree with Bouttimeforwine. I think he was just trying to fob you off. Nothing to do with your weight

why use weight then? why not use something that is equally unlikely (as he believes) but not related to personal appearance?

U2TheEdge - amazing post, simply amazing - you couldn't have timed that better in the context of the discussion on this page, so thanks

Bouttimeforwine - point taken, I do agree it was a little melodramatic!

Petula - why - because most in this thread are making assumptions about the way that men think and feel, and what they mean, and the context in which they speak (regarding the OP and my/Bouttimes posts).

I've read back through my posts and struggle to see where there are patronising - they certainly are not meant to come across in that manner - simply trying to put another viewpoint across.

and no - I haven't "intentionally" misinterpreted the responses - on threads like this, the first response is always that the man is an arse/abusive and to LTB. There is no mis-reading possible on that front.

Quite where you get that people don't tell me that I'm patronising in real life from is strange....... unless you work for me (and I'm certain that you don't), I don't know where you can draw that concluson from - so please can you lay off the personal stuff and can we stick to commenting on this discussion.

P.S. if you do happen to work for me, there's only 4 ladies here, I can narrow it down quite quickly lol - get on with the work!

ok apologies, i must have misinterpreted the phrasing of "I am in no way being patronising - if people genuinely believed this in real life, away from this internet forum - it would be a little worrying" - you are referring to the responses to the OP, I interpreted it as you saying people don't believe you are patronising in RL

many of your posts have been deleted now for some reason, so pointing out where specifically you have come across as patronising is rather difficult, but your "women are silly ninnies when it comes to diet and exercise" attitude was extremely patronising.

you are making assumptions about how women in general think and feel. people here are talking about this specific man and are saying that many other men do not make these comments (because they would have been left by the woman in their life). on other threads they are responding to situations and comments involving that specific man and saying how they would respond if they were the OP. can you not see the difference?

Petula - I agree mostly with your post - however I do think, on a wider scale, it is becoming more prevalent. I go to the gym three times a week, but in a quest to keep fit, not become a hulking mass of muscle - but I do feel that the pressure is growing on the more self-conscious, younger guys to have a certain "look" - definitely more so than when I was in my early 20's.

That's mainly down to the shows like TOWIE, Geordie Shore etc that are kind of defining the way guys in their early 20's "should" look, and that is having a wider social impact on a lot of things - tattoos, abs, clothing, hair for guys.

Tbh I'm currently tempering responses on the financial control thread. Many posters are jumping to conclusions on there, claiming financial abuse.

There is a middle ground you know. Every partnership has issues and niggles. Not all of them are abusive and warrant ltb, especially when little information is given. I think bubble is taking things to extreme, saying it always happens, but he is right about some posters.

FYI, I have actually said ltb on some threads, but these are with lots of extra information given. This thread hasn't given enough background to come to that conclusion. People are making massive assumptions.

I do agree that women have always had more pressure regarding their looks. Unfortunately that pressure is now extending to younger men too.

If my dp dared say anything regarding my weight, he would be shot down in flames. I wouldn't be thinking of leaving for it but he would be in no doubt about my opinion of him. It just wouldn't be an issue worth dwelling over though.

sorry - crossed posts - Petula - I do understand, completely.

the diet/exercising comment - was mainly from my own personal experience. We have a really, really nice girl here in the office in her early 20's, who constantly chops and changes the fad diets she does.... her weight fluctuates constantly, as she is always losing weight "for a wedding/holiday/weekend away" - but she doesn't exercise. Because her peers do the same, she can't see that the cycle of - "Start at a certain weight / fad diet for 1 month or two / lose weight for occasion / stop diet / gain weight unintentionally / hit previous start weight / fad diet" isn't great.
She always complains that when she has lost the weight, been on the holiday, but is then mucnhing her way through a large bar of cadbury's and having a macdonalds at lunch every other day - that she is putting weight on again.... then she's unhappy as she has put on weight, gets invited to something else, and the whole cycle begins again...

Essentially - what I am trying to say is that there is a significant portion of the females - in my area, for sake of not generalising more than I need to! - who do not understand the difference with spot dieting and maintaining a healthy weight. I see girls at the gym who turn up in full makeup, who walk on the treadmills then stop for a chat for 20 mins, or spend the whole time sat on the machines on their phones, usually involving conversations about "OMG at the gym, it's so hard".....

Losing & gaining weight in a constant cycle isn't healthy.

Sorry - off topic!!

In summary - Petula - not being patronising, sorry if it seemed that way, I am in agreement with you, mostly!