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Original poster

To be slightly annoyed at dp's comments re losing weight and marriage

173 replies

Mrskeats · 20/08/2014 09:59

Hi

To give some context I was married for 19 years and dp has never married although been in long term relationships. We live together.
He knows that I would get married again despite the whole divorce nightmare. Just because I picked the wrong man doesn't men the whole systems wrong right?
So he's definitely marriage phobic for reasons I'm not really sure of.
Anyway he says well if you can get down to a size 12/14 (18 currently as I was when we met btw) we will get married.
I would like to lose weight but am a bit insulted that he sees himself as such a prize that I have to 'win' effectively
Safest bet I ever made he jokes. Grrr
Am I being unreasonable to think this is arrogant and a bit controlling?

OP posts:
PetulaGordino · 20/08/2014 13:46

"I think he's trying to get the OP to stop talking about marriage when she knows he doesn't want to get married."

well why didn't he just say that then? and explain why it is that he is not keen on marriage. OP said that she isn't clear on his reasons and she's far less likely to be able to understand them now

SpaceInvaders · 20/08/2014 13:54

Jeez. What a charmer. What the hell has your weight got to do with whether he'll marry you or not?
He either loves you and wants to marry you or doesn't. He shouldn't be attaching 'conditions' to it. Hmm
Then to say "safest bet I'll ever make." What, WHAT?!" Angry even if he did mean it as a joke that is bloody horrible and basically says "well I don't have to marry you as you'll never manage to get down to that size so I'm safe.!
So in one fell swoop he's trying to knock your confidence telling you you'll never do it so why even bother trying, as well as knowing he's 'safe' as he'll never have to marry you.
You want to marry this tool, why exactly?!
This coming from someone with an extremely dry and sarky sense of humour and even I don't find it funny -does NOT sound like someone who wants to marry you, sorry.
Tell him "that's OK, as I only want to marry you if you get a washboard stomach and ditch the moobs anyway - they've got a bit big lately."
Knock HIS confidence a bit and give him a taste of his own medicine, see how he likes it!

weeblueberry · 20/08/2014 14:13

With comments like that is it any surprise he's never been I a long term relationship?? Hmm

I'm not a big fan of ltb but, as someone who was once a size 18, I'd be so bloody hurt by his comment that I'd find it hard to look at him the same light again. He's told you how little he thinks of you by telling you it's the surest bet he's ever made.

cherrybombxo · 20/08/2014 14:15

I'm not sure why people are justifying his comments or applying any kind of logic to his possible meaning behind it. By DP and I have both lost and found a couple of stones each and neither of us would ever dream of mentioning it to the other! We're trying to lose the weight for ourselves with no input from anyone else. Trust me, he'd earn a punch square on the nose the first time he told me that I needed to drop a couple of dress sizes!

OP, your partner sounds like a wang. He needs to have a serious think before he opens his mouth again. If you make this into a joke and let it slide, he'll think that it's okay to make comments about your weight and that's unacceptable.

lorriehearts · 20/08/2014 14:34

Quickest way to lose weight, OP, is to dump his sorry, controlling arse. Should be, what, minimum 70kg gone in an instant!

MamaLazarou · 20/08/2014 14:57

LTB.

You deserve to be with someone who considers himself lucky to be with you, and appreciates you the way you are.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/08/2014 16:48

So he's a nasty misogynist who thinks you have to change for him. Seriously, he cannot make a comment like that and be a good person. I would seriously examine all areas of your relationship with fresh eyes.

Rainbunny · 20/08/2014 17:04

I think his attitude is indicative of his personality and approach to other areas of life...so in other words I would think VERY carefully about whether you want to marry him.

My friend's DH was/is like this. My friend is gorgeous, outgoing, professionally successful whilst he is socially awkward, pathologically miserly and frankly unattractive. He spent the entire time they were dating trying to get her to lose weight (she was and is a size 14-16). He would freak out if she had her long blonde hair cut into a bob or if she wanted to go to a more natural brown color. None of us could understand why she wanted to marry him. Fast forward six years and she is trying to get divorced, but feels trapped as she doesn't want to miss any of her two DCs lives as they grow up (DH is a stay at home dad so he would definitely get 50% shared custody, if not more). Honestly I think his ability to knock her self esteem was the reason she married him when in reality he was bloody lucky to even have a chance with someone as lovely as my friend. She woke up to this but too late in many ways.

Blithereens · 20/08/2014 17:29

What? No. Dump.

mumminio · 20/08/2014 18:06

Leave him, lose weight or not depending on your own health, and marry someone who deserves you.

TheBloodManCometh · 20/08/2014 20:12

Still sounds like a dick to me, OP. Sorry Smile

AlpacaYourThings · 20/08/2014 20:19

Do you think it was a very ill thought out joke?

It seems like a very cruel thing to say... Sad

PeachyParisian · 21/08/2014 11:47

LTB! What a cheeky fucker

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/08/2014 13:00

Run!
My lovely friend had a "d" p who pretty much said that.
Obviously after their wedding she regained the weight (as do most ppl)
He makes constant remarks about her appearance. Its horrible. She shouldn't have married him. He is an arse.
I told her she shouldn't marry him (coz i know it all Wink)

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/08/2014 13:02

My friends husband didn't want to get married either. Its so obvious to everyone except her.
Bloody good luck op. You're going to need it if you stay with him.

fabulousfour · 21/08/2014 13:04

What a dick. Hth and defintley ltb

BubbleButt14 · 21/08/2014 14:11

on the face of it, sounds very cruel and manipulative - however without context (has OP been constantly harping on about marriage etc), it's not clear cut.

Scenario 1:
First time question OP > DP: Would you like to get married?
First time response DP > OP: Fuck off fatty, lose some weight.

Scenario 2:
OP>DP - every week - marriage, marriage, marriage - friends just got married was nice, ooh look rings, ooh look dresses, oooh look venues
DP>OP - feigns interest initially, makes jokey comment (that turned out badly) to downplay it.

Not saying LTB as no-one here knows the ins and outs of the relationship - on the face of it this does seem cruel....... but, y'know - Size 18 is on the large side, so losing some would be healthier, even if you do decide to stay with / dump this chap.

As for the poster above who said "my friend lost the weight for the wedding then put it back on again once married" = grounds for divorce, simple as. No excuse for giving up when you get married, kids or not - it's lazy and unattractive, and easily avoidable.

BubbleButt14 · 21/08/2014 14:12

on the face of it, sounds very cruel and manipulative - however without context (has OP been constantly harping on about marriage etc), it's not clear cut.

Scenario 1:
First time question OP > DP: Would you like to get married?
First time response DP > OP: Fuck off fatty, lose some weight.

Scenario 2:
OP>DP - every week - marriage, marriage, marriage - friends just got married was nice, ooh look rings, ooh look dresses, oooh look venues
DP>OP - feigns interest initially, makes jokey comment (that turned out badly) to downplay it.

Not saying LTB as no-one here knows the ins and outs of the relationship - on the face of it this does seem cruel....... but, y'know - Size 18 is on the large side, so losing some would be healthier, even if you do decide to stay with / dump this chap.

As for the poster above who said "my friend lost the weight for the wedding then put it back on again once married" = grounds for divorce, simple as. No excuse for giving up when you get married, kids or not - it's lazy and unattractive, and easily avoidable.

temporaryusername · 21/08/2014 14:39

I don't think it is unreasonable for someone to want their partner to be healthy weight, but to pressurise them and attach conditions is absolutely not on. It should be a case of showing you that you're loved and accepted as you are, and giving you the confidence and security to lose the weight if you want to. I really think though OP that your partner isn't really interested in you losing weight - you are the same size as when you got together, and the 'safest bet I ever made' indicates he is presenting as a way of avoiding the marriage topic rather than wanting you to lose weight.

To be honest if someone's feelings for me were conditional on losing weight that would be a no-go for me. I just wouldn't feel secure with them. Also if, as I suspect here, it was not that but just a mean and uncaring way to deflect the marriage issue, that would be bad too.

You say you would like to lose the weight, and I wonder if you would feel more secure and confident without this man, and actually find it easier to lose then.

Darkesteyes · 21/08/2014 14:40

You cannot say that size 18 is on the large side without seeing the person. Im a size 16 but am only a 34 back size in bras. Everyones body shape is different.

Ive lost 2 stone 9 in the last year but my weight is crawling off. Im now knocking back vitamin pills. Living on veg and weetabix. I havent eaten pasta for nearly a year.

In the last 2 months ive only lost four and a half pounds. I woke up today with a very bad soreness like a swollen gland in the right side of my throat and i cant swallow.

Im wondering if this is a psychosomatic reaction to my weight loss slowing down and yes i HAVE considered sticking my fingers down my throat. The only thing stopping me is i hate throwing up.

BubbleButt14 · 21/08/2014 15:07

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PetulaGordino · 21/08/2014 15:15

never mind if he's sexist twat - go out for a family run! Smile

it's like reading a lifestyle magazine

BubbleButt14 · 21/08/2014 15:42

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PetulaGordino · 21/08/2014 15:43

why would she be "feigning" these thoughts?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/08/2014 16:06

Yes. It seems you should lose the weight and then you'll be worthy of him. Hmm
Lucky old you eh?