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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly annoyed at dp's comments re losing weight and marriage

173 replies

Mrskeats · 20/08/2014 09:59

Hi

To give some context I was married for 19 years and dp has never married although been in long term relationships. We live together.
He knows that I would get married again despite the whole divorce nightmare. Just because I picked the wrong man doesn't men the whole systems wrong right?
So he's definitely marriage phobic for reasons I'm not really sure of.
Anyway he says well if you can get down to a size 12/14 (18 currently as I was when we met btw) we will get married.
I would like to lose weight but am a bit insulted that he sees himself as such a prize that I have to 'win' effectively
Safest bet I ever made he jokes. Grrr
Am I being unreasonable to think this is arrogant and a bit controlling?

OP posts:
LingDiLong · 20/08/2014 10:26

You're only SLIGHTLY annoyed?!

KnackeredMuchly · 20/08/2014 10:27
Shock

Genuinely shocked. He sounds vile.

Run away!!

MardyBra · 20/08/2014 10:28

"Anyway he says well if you can get down to a size 12/14 (18 currently as I was when we met btw) we will get married. "

You could say, "if you can show me through your actions that your not a twat, we will get married".

Safest bet you'll ever make.

cailindana · 20/08/2014 10:33

Jesus you're only slightly annoyed? Where is your self esteem? That is one of the nastiest things I have ever heard, and I grew up with the world's nastiest person as a sister.

It makes me sad to think you're not more outraged at this comment - I would be so upset I don't know what I'd do.

trevortrevorslattery · 20/08/2014 10:39

Shock Angry what a dick! YABU to be just "slightly" annoyed!

Glastogirl · 20/08/2014 10:41

Leave him now!!

WooWooOwl · 20/08/2014 10:43

What was the conversation leading up to him saying that? Were you putting pressure on him to consider marriage or something, because I can't imagine anyone coming out with something like that form nowhere.

He clearly doesn't want to get married so has said he will get married if something he doesn't believe will happen does turn out to happen. But why would he do that instead of just saying he doesn't want to get married and leaving it there?

dreamingbohemian · 20/08/2014 10:51
Shock

Fuck that. Just dump him.

AMumInScotland · 20/08/2014 10:51

Do you want to be married? It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you, whether that's for reasons you just don't know about, or just generally being a dickhead.

If the possibility of marriage is important to you, then I don't think you've found the right man yet, so maybe time to get looking again? Or else spend some time single and decide what it is that you want in life.

It doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page here, for whatever reason.

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 10:54

On threads like this I wish there was a way of stopping the rest of us from posting until the OP posted again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2014 10:57

Why Vivacia? She will come back to a unanimous (I think) raft of 'Don't marry him!'s. Hopefully that will give her pause to think and consider her options. OP must be doing that anyway otherwise she wouldn't have posted.

VeryStressedMum · 20/08/2014 10:58

Forget him, he doesn't want to marry you.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 20/08/2014 11:00

Good I bet hep old like David Beckham aye op.

Fuck and off comes to mind!

icanmakeyouicecream · 20/08/2014 11:04

You know the answer so why ask?

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 11:09

I always wonder what they must think Lying. Our response must be unexpected and must feel like a huge shock. I don't like to think of them coming to terms with our reaction on their own.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 20/08/2014 11:17

Hey am still here was in meeting
I suppose I have only raised the idea half heartedly really and it's not that big a deal to me in fact.
Marriage doesn't mean you stay together anyway that's for sure.
I do feel that he's committed to our relationship actually and is currently working hard doing up our new house.
I think he does practical stuff to show that he cares and openly admits he's not great with words.
I on the other hand am over analytical with them.
In short I think it was light hearted and not meant in a mean way.
He is a good partner in lots of ways.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2014 11:19

But the responses are kind, Vivacia... much kinder than his comment in the first place.

I don't think OP will be totally surprised by the responses. His comment would have jarred with every woman that I know, for me too. I would have been shocked and sad, had a cry and then my conscience or whatever it is, would have prickled me and told me to not take this crap, not from anybody.

I'm guessing that women never tell men that they'll marry them if they get down to 32" waist... why is that?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2014 11:20

Scrap my posts, all of them. OP is going to fully accept this louse's comments. Best of British to you, OP. Thanks

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 11:22

That's not quite my point Lying. For a poster to write something like this, she must be questioning her feelings - as though there's only a possibility to feel he's out of line.

OP I don't think one person has got in to a discussion about the worthwhile-ness of marriage. They've talked about the worthwhile-ness of marrying a man who makes comments such as in your OP.

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 11:23

Scrap my posts, all of them. OP is going to fully accept this louse's comments.

Ha! That was my thought too, about my posts!

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 11:23

he's not great with words

The problem is that he's not great with thinking.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 20/08/2014 11:27

Gosh. Well he's your catch op.

MrsWinnibago · 20/08/2014 11:28

It IS hard when MN comes on your thread and says ltb. I had it once about 5 years ago and I was devestated as I didn't feel my DH's behaviour was THAT bad but I was already sad from the argument.

The trouble is that the MN set of rules for a relationship are at best unrealistic and at worst ridiculous.

People are human and while the OPs dps comment was pretty low, it has to be taken in context of the rest of his behaviour. He could be incredibly loving, supportive and maybe tired of having an obese partner.

Obesity is a killer. If she had asked "DP says he won't marry me till I stop smoking" then the responses would be different. A size 18 is pretty large and indicated an unhealthy relationship with food...and it will have ramifications on OPs health

HRMumness · 20/08/2014 11:33

He has just said to you that he will stay with you but he won't marry you because you aren't thin enough? That's just horrible. I feel sad for you OP.

Golferman · 20/08/2014 11:33

I don't think size should matter if people are in love, however if one or other puts on too much weight they can become less physically attractive to the other. My wife and I have discussed this a number of times and agree that while we would not love each other less we would find the other less attractive if either of us got fat. I think your partner was a bit insensive putting it like he did.