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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be slightly annoyed at dp's comments re losing weight and marriage

173 replies

Mrskeats · 20/08/2014 09:59

Hi

To give some context I was married for 19 years and dp has never married although been in long term relationships. We live together.
He knows that I would get married again despite the whole divorce nightmare. Just because I picked the wrong man doesn't men the whole systems wrong right?
So he's definitely marriage phobic for reasons I'm not really sure of.
Anyway he says well if you can get down to a size 12/14 (18 currently as I was when we met btw) we will get married.
I would like to lose weight but am a bit insulted that he sees himself as such a prize that I have to 'win' effectively
Safest bet I ever made he jokes. Grrr
Am I being unreasonable to think this is arrogant and a bit controlling?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 20/08/2014 11:35

You may well love him but why marry him?

Tell him you'll marry him when he turns into Johnny Depp.

MrsW, he could have not gone out with the OP in the first place if her being a size 18 was an issue.

HellonHeels · 20/08/2014 11:37

OP is same size now as when they got together. He might be "tired of having an obese partner" but I doubt it because he seems quite happy still to enjoy the benefits of living with her. If he is so tired of it then why not end the relationship rather than sticking around and feeling free to be a cunt about weight?

dreamingbohemian · 20/08/2014 11:39

Really? Thinking 'I'll only marry you if you lose weight (safest bet I ever made)' is a horrible thing to say, requires being over-analytical? Not a lot of nuance there. Come on, OP.

Original poster
Mrskeats · 20/08/2014 11:49

Yes I think mrs Winnibago makes a fair point.
I didn't just accept the comments I did point out that he's not a prize to be won btw.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 20/08/2014 11:51

So, what do you think now? That it's ok to be slightly annoyed at his comment?

PetulaGordino · 20/08/2014 11:57

the OP could equally well say "i'll lose weight / stop smoking if you agree to marry me"

still doesn't make it ok but in a different way

WooWooOwl · 20/08/2014 11:58

He could just as easily have said 'I'll marry you when you do a bungee jump' while knowing the OP has a fear of heights.

He hasn't said this because he doesn't want to marry OP, or because he doesn't want to marry someone that's a size 18, he's said it because he doesn't want to get married full stop, and was probably irritated at being in another conversation about it when he's already made his feelings on marriage clear.

I think most of the MN reactions to this are completely ridiculous. Don't some of you want a bit of context to a situation before you start telling someone to LTB?

KnackeredMuchly · 20/08/2014 12:08

"Either way I'm winning"

There's just no improving that. It's plain nasty.

LittleBlueMouse · 20/08/2014 12:09

I agree with WooWoo, It sounds as though he doesn't want to get married, doesn't really want to discuss why, or have to keep explaining the reasons why not and simply chose at random some excuse.

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 12:11

I genuinely can't think of a context which would make this,

Anyway he says well if you can get down to a size 12/14 (18 currently as I was when we met btw) we will get married... "Safest bet I ever made he jokes."

not make me reconsider being in a relationship with him at all.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 20/08/2014 12:22

I think, on the face of it, it sounds horrible and as though the OP has no self esteem - but. If the OP is always going on about losing weight and doing xyz to lose weight then doing things that don't support that he probably knows she has no intention of losing weight and is quite possibly totally happy with that - so the 'I'll marry you when you do x' is just that x being something he knows she wont do, not something he wants her to do. Quite possibly absolutely nothing to do with her weight and simply stating something he knows she wont do.

However, OP, if that's not the case and he genuinely means he would marry you if you were a smaller size then you should dump his sorry arse without a backwards glance!

StackladysMorphicResonator · 20/08/2014 12:28

Actually, although it's tactless it sounds like your DP thinks you need to lose a bit of weight and is trying to help motivate you. Have you commented to him that you'd like to lose some weight? If you frequently talk about weight loss/gain or calories etc he might actually think he's helping you by giving you something to aim for.

However, on the flip side he could just be mean and controlling. It's impossible to know without more information and knowledge about your relationship.

So all those posters who've piled in with 'LTB' need to back off and ask for more information - stop stirring, it's cruel and a deeply unattractive quality.

Floop · 20/08/2014 12:29

Tell him you won't shag him again until he grows 4 inches. See how well that goes down!

Keletubbie · 20/08/2014 12:36

I would be getting ripped in a prison gym because I would have knocked the fucker's teeth out.

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 12:38

Quite possibly absolutely nothing to do with her weight and simply stating something he knows she wont do.

Good job he chose something so light-hearted and non-personal then.

ArfurFoulkesayke · 20/08/2014 12:45

It's the "safest bet I ever made" that tips it from being (at best) a well-meant but clumsy attempt at incentivising into being just really unpleasant and smug.

HellonHeels · 20/08/2014 12:49

OK, for those wishing to be charitable about him, if his aim in making that vile comment was to help and motivate OP to lose weight - where is the help support and motivation in his additional comment "safest bet I ever made"?

I am surprised at the efforts made by some on this thread to put a positive spin on what is a vile attitude.

wildfig · 20/08/2014 12:50

"safest bet I ever made" suggests that not only does he think you'll never lose weight but also that he's only offering marriage safe in the knowledge that he'll never have to go through with it. Sad

I hope that sounded funnier in his head than it did when it came out of his mouth.

TheWordFactory · 20/08/2014 13:01

If OP's partner was worried about her health, he would say 'hey op, I'm worried about your health.'

If OP's partner does not agree with marriage, he would say 'hey, op, I don't agree with marriage.'

Connecting the two so that it becomes the OP's 'fault' for being fat, is just nasty and cowardly.

Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone like that?

WooWooOwl · 20/08/2014 13:04

OK, for those wishing to be charitable about him, if his aim in making that vile comment was to help and motivate OP to lose weight

I suppose I'm being 'charitable' about him, but it don't think he's trying to encourage the OP to lose weight. I think he's trying to get the OP to stop talking about marriage when she knows he doesn't want to get married.

Vivacia · 20/08/2014 13:07

"I think he's trying to get the OP to stop talking about marriage when she knows he doesn't want to get married."

Poor lamb.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/08/2014 13:15

Very unpleasant comment from him. I'd be more than mildly annoyed.

motherinferior · 20/08/2014 13:21

What WF said.

Mr Inferior frequently suggests a spot of matrimony. I point out it's not really my thing. Sometimes he remarks that he needs to lose a few pounds. I wouldn't dream of linking the two.

areyoubeingserviced · 20/08/2014 13:40

Please don't marry him,
No need for me to explain why

hoboken · 20/08/2014 13:44

And if you agreed I am pretty sure that once you reached the target he would find another excuse. Large, red flag. Am sorry that he has been so unkind.