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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?

277 replies

M00nUnit · 20/08/2014 02:20

We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the £40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.

Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.

We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.

I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.

I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.

He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.

Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!

OP posts:
HolidayPackingIsHardWork · 20/08/2014 12:35

I agree with the posters who doubt his stuff is really worth £100K.

But that's not the point. His attitude is the point. You are hardly over the hill at 39. Time for a long hard think.

Chunderella · 20/08/2014 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 20/08/2014 12:38

Send the email, OP. If you don't do it nothing will change - he'll continue to freeload, you'll continue to pay for everything, and he'll think that anything he earns is 'his' whereas anything you earn is 'family money'.

Not acceptable.

BOFster · 20/08/2014 12:45

Can you tell how many times I've told DP to check the "this is what it actually sold for, if it ever did" box as opposed to the "optimistically priced at $$$" box on eBay searches, mrsS? Grin

PenisesAreNotPink · 20/08/2014 12:49

People always think their stuff is worth more than it is

I recently found out that half carts diamond earrings (very good quality) would raise 40-60 quid at auction. Current retail price is £1200.
Hmm

Stuff is not worth anything. I am literally never buying anything again new.

superhands · 20/08/2014 13:15

Its quite telling that you feel you would be unable to have a conversation about this and need to send an email instead to stop from being shouted down. Also quite telling you think the reaction to this email would be a major tantrum from him which would have repercussions for the rest of the weekend.

As another poster pointed out, interesting point about your mum (and also your friends). Sounds like you are one of life's 'copers' who are now saddled with this tag to the extent you feel unable to ask for help or support from those closest.

You sound lovely, OP, you are entitled to love, support and friendship without constantly 'providing' - whether that be financially or emotionally.

magoria · 20/08/2014 13:17

So essentially you are forking out all your hard earned money so that he can hand over tp% of the value of his property to his ex.

You are paying that.

At the same time in a few years he will be entitled to 50% of yours while paying nothing towards it.

He landed on his feet.

Igggi · 20/08/2014 13:19

This man must be sex on a stick.

areyoubeingserviced · 20/08/2014 13:24

He is bloody lucky to have YOU.
Sounds like he has a good set up,
My dh says that he will happily swap places with your dp.

Inertia · 20/08/2014 13:25

Actually, it might be worth consulting a solicitor before you put anything in writing. This one sounds like he has the potential to turn nasty, given how you've described your attempts to hold a reasonable conversation with him.

Of course a man who has a family and then separates from them has every obligation to support his children. However, that doesn't mean that he never has to pay for anything else ever again.

It's not too late to reconsider your decision not to have children. Basing a huge decision like that on the behaviour of a man like this may be something you later come to regret.

Chunderella · 20/08/2014 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

captainmummy · 20/08/2014 13:30

I think if the 'stuff' is in exs loft and is worth ££££s, then doesn't ex have a claim on it?

And the pp who suggested the op might hvae to pay maintenance to H - why? There are no kids/responsibilities common to them, why should she pay him anything?

higgle · 20/08/2014 13:31

OP, you say he and his ex weren't married. If this is the case there is no obligation to keep the house until the youngest is 18, he has no obligation in this respect at all and could sell the house and keep all the proceeds if he chose. Please, please please go and see a solicitor for some informal advice asap. The longer this situation continues the more chance there is he will have a substantial claim on the equity in your home.

Eauneau · 20/08/2014 13:40

So you are married to this guy, pay for loads of things, and then when you suggest he might be able to sell some of his toys to pay his way his way he has a massive strop and threatens to move back I with his mum?

He is using you honey! And he sounds like an immature dickhead (and I'm really not one usually for judging men by a few lines on the internet, but he sounds like a tool).

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/08/2014 13:42

You really don't need to cope with this alone. Trying to keep up appearances is too much. I'd encourage you to confide in someone in real life.

MexicanSpringtime · 20/08/2014 14:03

Oh OP, my heart breaks for you.

But how come you are the one that works overtime anyway? Surely if he has so many expenses, he would want to have two jobs going.

I do wonder that he is so "generous" to his ex and so tight with you. My ex had another marriage and another dd after us, but he always managed to give the impression that he was spending so much on the other family, when he was spending damn all on anyone other than himself.

But on the practical side, if he is paying the mortgage on another house, surely if it comes to a divorce, even after years, that goes into the pot too. It can't all be about the OP's possessions, can it?

ChillySundays · 20/08/2014 14:03

I have re-read the post and am with higgle on the ex having no right to the house unless she is on the deeds.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/08/2014 14:15

No I dident say op has to pay maintenance , why on kids that are not hers? I did say that op pats fir his kids when they come over, and for him to see them.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/08/2014 14:16

He is the one who should be working overtime, to pay fir his kids and pay you for bills and things.

Bearbehind · 20/08/2014 14:18

Am going off the idea of sending him an email now - I don't know what it'll achieve apart from making him angry and defensive again

He really has done a number on you moon.

He has kicked up a fuss and you're planning to let it go just to keep the peace- exactly as he knew you would.

I know you said you've drafted an e-mail but I'm guessing you probably won't actually send it.

Just remember if you let it slide this time you'll be in the same situation until you put a stop to it or he gets a better offer but the only difference will be having a child of your own is likely to be out of the question beacuse of your age.

Do you really want that to be a possibility?

You think you are lucky to have him- youre not- and when if you split up do you really think you could live with the regret of wasting your child bearing years on this man.

Fairywhitebear · 20/08/2014 14:20

Oh god, Consider it a good thing. Get out now whilst you can!

What a tool.

Miggsie · 20/08/2014 14:22

Any man who threatens to leave his wife and move back in with his mother has never actually left home.
I suspect he sees women as his providers and you are simply the mother he can have sex with.

If he died tomorrow I cannot see how it could make your life worse - I mean, you do all the work and pay all the bills. How does he contribute?
Why do you feel you are lucky to have this parasite in your life?
The mind boggles.

lorriehearts · 20/08/2014 14:42

Oh Moon, your posts are making me so sad. You're being treated horribly by this man, despite giving him the moon on a stick, so to speak. Your latest posts make it seem like you're (understandably, by the sounds of things) afraid to speak with him.

This is abuse: your husband has become abusive because you are no longer willing to unquestioningly fund everything in his life. Not letting you speak, shouting at you, threatening to leave...it's abusive behaviour, and you deserve infinitely better. Sad x

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 20/08/2014 14:50

Op how dare he treat you like this.

Read the posts and get angry and then channel that
Anger straight to the first free hour at your local solicitors.

Send him back to mummy with his previous and no dought worthless toys.

Wanker.

Frogisatwat · 20/08/2014 15:02

Please think carefully about your future. This wedding will he go with an empty wallet and stand there as you pay for everything? I would find somewhere for a large chunk of your money to go an isa or a car fund. Therefore you cannot afford any longer to fund meals out etc. Just to see if he coughs up or stamps his feet.
do you buy his clothes too? I couldn't be attracted to a man like this. .
a word of warning though. . If you really did amass savings and stay married he can try and claim those too!