To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?

[M00nUnit]

We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the £40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.

Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.

We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.

I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.

I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.

He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.

Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!

Would not bother emailing him. He will manipulate you. He has already done this or he would not have his feet under your table now.

The first word that came to mind was 'drone', but 'cocklodger' is far more expressive.
You are being taken for a colossal ride. Taken for a mug. Used and abused.
Untangle yourself from this drain on your resources immediately.

and insert a comma after resources.

If they split, would OP be entitled to a share of his property? Maybe this would be equal to his interest in her property and so would wipe each other out.

i cant believe his reaction to you asking for him to pay his way a bit. Wow. Bad sign

At the moment he has absolutely no interest in her property. She bought it before they were in a relationship. He has contributed nothing, not a bloody penny, towards the mortgage or any of the other household bills and she can prove it.

When a short marriage comes to an end, that is a marriage of two/three years or less, the courts will seek to return both parties to the financial position they were in before the marriage started. The OP has quite a small window of opportunity here if she wants to come out of this marriage unscathed and with all of her equity intact.

She doesn't need to act today but she really should aim to act before the year is out. Meanwhile she really should stop subsidising his lifestyle and salt any of her money away to finance the divorce proceedings.

This is one man I would not be sacrificing my future for. Because he has already proven by his actions and his attitude that he's not worthy of it. The OP still has time to meet someone decent, who will respect her, be happy to make a contribution towards their life together and to have a child with if that's what she wants. This one has no self-respect and absolutely none for her or he wouldn't be choosing to parasite off her so cynically.

omfg. what a freeloader / cocklodger / poor excuse. i echo everyone else's thoughts.

but your reaction to this thread speaks volumes.

you've obviously beginning to see the relationship for what it is. you also got married remarkably quickly. and you've put your valuable child years on hold for this twat!

you've made huge sacrifices for him! and yet i don't see anything in it for you.

your line about not telling your mum anything bad speaks volumes too. she's the child in your relationship, and you the parent. no wonder your self esteem is shit.

lot to work through, but you are beginning to see the light and you're on the road to a happier life.

If he is only paying £150 a month in child support, how much is the mortgage? Is he genuinely paying all of it or is he paying half?

OP, you are in a winning situation here if you chuck him out. You already pay for everything anyway so you aren't going to be struggling financially. He has shown his true colours. He's gone from living free with his mother to living free with you. He needs to grow up.

No wonder he wanted to get married so quickly, way better deal than living with Mummy.

You are only 'loved up' and 'get on brilliantly' when everything is going his way and you are footing the bill.

The second he got even a whiff of its not going his way, he threatened to go back to Mummy.

That's not love. That is manipulation.

Just reread your op again. You pay for absolutely everything, bills, holidays, him seeing his kids, you also pay fully for his kids when you go on days out or holidays. My goodness he has it good, doesent he! This us his reaction when you dare raise the your concerns. He is lucky to have you my dear, and should be grateful to you! Yes you need to think long and hard about your future. You have just discovered the ugly side of him now. IMHO seek legal advice in where you stand, tell him to go right back to his mums. Look after and protect yourself. He has no contributed to your assets, you have a shirt marriage, so as others more in the know has said they should be fine. But you do need to act soon.

I do feel for you op, it must be a shock to come to the realisation that he is using you.

I agree with everyone else. You need to seek legal advice. If he isn't willing to start contributing to your life together, he should go.

You can't keep on not standing up to him. Keeping the peace is not going to fix anything.

This reaction from him has done you a favour. It has demonstrated to you what a bully he is capable of being. Please don't ignore that. If you are afraid of his reaction, then that tells you all you need to know.

As for your mum, you cannot possibly take the weight of all her worries on your shoulders, too. If the happy families scenario is not going to happen, this weekend, then too bad for her.

You cannot live in a little bubble where you allow yourself to be walked all over just to keep things nice for other people.

You don't sound flush yourself, having to work overtime to make ends meet, he owns a property or part of it, he works, pays for the mortgage for his house and maintenance to his chikdren. If you cannot sit down and have a basic conversation with him about his contribution because he turns nasty that is not good at all!

Tell your mum and him that this weekends not happening as something had come up, and the wedding too. You have to be selfish for once now and look out for yourself, as he's been doing.

As Bitter said, and my sister is finding out to her cost, there is only a very short window of opportunity after marriage to keep assets split.

My sister is now faced with losing her and her children's home that she owned before her marriage because her exH (who, funnily enough, was a GREAT dad to his kids from his first marriage, which was why he could never pay a penny towards the house or expenses) has a claim on it - they were together 10 years before she'd had enough of his shit - it was discovering that he'd stopped paying any maintenance to his kids once they were in Uni but hadn't bothered to tell her this and was spending the money on himself that broke her. And because he's been married 10 years he's entitled to half of it - that it was all her contributions mean nothing.

Don't waste any more of your life on this tosser and certainly don't put your assets in jeopardy.

Men always think their old tat is worth a fortune It rarely is. I have had this 3x buying old properties from single men about to take the leap into coupledom and they really have an inflated idea of the worth of their bachelor pad with its non existent maintenance and crappy decor/upkeep.

Unless the "toys" are in mint condition - ie still in a box that is sealed, they are unlikely to be worth much at all. I am married to a hoarder

yes to be honest it sounds like the kind of junk you can pick up at car boot sales = if he thinks it is worth 'hundreds of thousands' he is sadly deluded

He's not deluded, he knows they're not worth much but by saying they are, he thinks he's got a way of fobbing OP off...

OP - how much wages does he take home and how much is the mortgage? Are you sure he is paying the whole mortgage?

Do you know the circumstances around not selling the house. I find it hard to believe that if he is paying for the mortgage that is then having to paying maintenance as well. Legal experts will be able to tell us more.
Does he know his toys are still in the attic? My DH ex sold everything he had in the attic

i bet he is not "paying the mortgage" = maybe half of it

Even then, mrsS, they're usually worth far less than you'd think. Certainly less than you paid for them- the market in those sort of collectibles has practically collapsed. Basically, as soon as boxed antique/vintage toys started appearing on TV programmes as worth a few bob, and since George Lucas hit paydirt, the big companies cottoned on that people would pay good money for tat on the assumption that it would go up in value. They are having the last laugh, and the blokes people who wasted their money and years of time storing the stuff are lucky to get more than car boot stall prices for it.

and also the fact that it's in the ex's loft so extremely difficult to get at. no way for the op to verify what he's saying. can't even look at it.

So at best there'll be about a grands worth of stuff.

OP, you need to think of your future financial stability.

I was trying to be kind and diplomatic, BOF!!

Why is it always men who collect "stuff"?