To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?

[M00nUnit]

We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the £40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.

Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.

We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.

I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.

I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.

He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.

Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!

Please think carefully about your future. This wedding will he go with an empty wallet and stand there as you pay for everything? I would find somewhere for a large chunk of your money to go an isa or a car fund. Therefore you cannot afford any longer to fund meals out etc. Just to see if he coughs up or stamps his feet.
do you buy his clothes too? I couldn't be attracted to a man like this. .
a word of warning though. . If you really did amass savings and stay married he can try and claim those too!

I somehow missed the word 'husband' in the title and was thinking thank goodness you can get him out of your flat if he's not on the deeds... Then my heart sank when I realised you are married.

I just don't understand how he has the nerve to kick off when you suggest he sells something to contribute to your household costs, yet thinks it's fine for you to literally pay for everything, including subsidising him visiting his children. How utterly selfish. How does he have any self respect?

You know when you are just nto sure if you should post on this thread anymore?
When you read a thread and despite the good advice , Op comes back and still seems as in-love and in-denial as she was before.

Or maybe I'm being too harsh. Because maybe this is just too much for her to take on board, and we haven't given her enough time to let it sink in.

But I have a real fear that she is just deluded. And thus a lost cause. I know that sounds nasty, but that is my fear. I so hope I'm wrong.

I am my own worst enemy on these threads. I feel so sad. So emotional. I get really taken in.
And then sometimes it turns out not to be true, but a troll, and 'poof' , its deleted, what a right tit I feel then!!

Hopes I'm wrong. For the second time.

Let him move back in with his mum, he's a waste of time and space.
You say you are lucky to have him, well I disagree because you are worth so much better than this.
He should be paying his way and if that includes selling his stuff well so be it.
Tell him you live in the future with bills now, not his Tonka toy investment for the future.
I know they are only worth anything if they are in a perfect, boxed and unopened state as dh sold some once.

Give op space to digest it all, it's a lot to take on board and come up with a plan. I think that the penny is finally dropping. Op talk to him about contributing a decent amount towards bills, he can go himself to see his kids and fill up the tank, when you go out make sure he pays or you don't go.

So he has a legal charge on the previous family home?

And see what his reaction will be. This will tell you everything about that freeloader.

Oblomov where have I come back and given the impression that I'm in denial? This has been a big shock and I've got a lot to sort out. I don't think I'm deluded or a lost cause either. I'm not stupid enough to think that all 200+ of you are wrong. I've had some really good advice on here and I intend to follow a lot of it. I'm not going to do anything rash though. This is a big decision which will affect several people in a big way.

Thanks again for all the replies.

I'm sure it's all a massive shock and an awful lot to take in.
Give a bit of time to sink in and make some plans.
No rush for now.
Good luck OP.

My DH was convinced his punk and new wave record collections were worth "At least £5k". After a lot of badgering he reluctantly catalogued it only to find the highest offer we were getting from serious dealers was around £850. Needless to say it's still mouldering away in our attic and probably will till the end of time...

Well said Aeroflotgirl and hellsbellsmelons

This is a bit like a thunderbolt for the OP.

I agree with the pp's who've advised you to get legal advice BEFORE you send that email.

I think you need to protect yourself and your assets.

Thanks Mexican it is a shock for the op, not indy of 200 posts has said tge same, not one siding with h. She now has a short space in which to think and come up with a plan it's not as easy as just leaving him. She has to think how she will approach things and seek legal advice.

Meant has said tge same

OP -- do you know how much money he has left after mortgage and maintenance? Or has he just told you he has nothing left? I don't earn megabucks but of I had to pay our mortgage, £150 and petrol to get to work I would still have a couple hundred quid left. Is he telling the truth?

It is an awful lot to take in , and it's clearly a far deeper issue than the one you originally thought you were dealing with. You don't have to make any hasty decisions, but I hope you feel bolstered by the fact that you could actually have better fortune than to marry a man who argues aggressively when you try to resolve any issue , and who expects you to pay his way so that he can devote the majority of his earnings to maintaining his financial interest in a property in his own name. I very much doubt that he has made particularly generous provision for his ex or his children, he just intends to cash in on his property investment in 11 years time.

My suggestion to raise with a solicitor is that in the event of divorce, can you renounce any claim on his house and goldmine of heirloom toys in exchange for him renouncing any claim on any of your assets. ( Remember that this assets thing works both ways, you are entitled to a share of his assets- but given that his children live in his house a clean split would be better ).

In the meantime, I would document everything you pay, don't let him contribute to the mortgage or add his name to deeds, and keep your bank accounts separate. And get proper advice from a specialist lawyer.

well he saw you coming didn't he op! what did you do - stand outside with a sandwich board that said "desperate and single, willing to be used and abused"????

i know i'm being harsh but REALLY?? He pays for NOTHING in your relationship and you've practically given him half your house despite him OWNING a home of his own. you can't talk to him about real everyday issues because he's emotionally abusive and manipulative. i don't believe for a second that he can't sell his house or that all his wages go on cm and debt.....he's keeping his assets -house and money - safe in a place where you can't lay any claim to it and it provides him with a convenient excuse to sponge off you.

all i've got to say is get some self respect and get rid of him - he doesn't sound like a man who has ever loved you. he will take you for everything you've got if you let him.

Get angry op, get really bloody angry!

One thing that jumped out at me was that you really want a baby. You are having to remain childless because of your H's total financial dependence on you.

You are 39. You are fast heading towards your last few fertile years. The advice about having a short window to resolve your marriage to prevent his claim on your assets pales into insignificance when faced with this.

If you want a child, you need to act soon.

Don't have a child with Mr Tonka Truck. I can't imagine him stepping up. I can't even imagine him being around if all you can offer is statutory maternity pay, although he does get free accommodation.

He doesn't really even support his own kids. £150 per month is £37.50 a week. Yes, he supports his children to the tune of £12 each per week. Chicken feed. Forget the mortgage - that's him maintaining and protecting his own appreciating asset.

If you are 39 then you either need to go looking for a normal partner (because I don't think you realise how abnormal your situation is) or you need to start looking towards donor sperm and working out the costs of doing it on your own.

Do not throw away your chance of children on the basis that you've solemnified a short relationship. A short marriage isn't the end of the world.

I have to say, I think he is deluded about the value of his bric-a-brac vintage toys in hi ex's loft. I have seen all of that sort of thing selling for peanuts on stalls at school fetes.

What is it about boys men and their toys?! My husband has an enormous box full of his 30 year old scalextric set, which he has added miles of track and umpteen cars to over the years. I am sure he would make some sort of ridiculously inflated claim about its value, but that is because it is of great sentimental value to him. He wouldn't threaten to leave me over it though, and if he did I would have serious questions for him.

You obviously have a fair bit of thinking to do now, and I wish you luck. His comments to you in the original argument were spiteful and unreasonable.

Sending you support op whatever you decide. Take your time. Whatever you do don't let dh pay anything towards mortgage. Make sure you keep evidence of bills you pay etc.

Suggest you read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" It's a very good book on domestic abuse. Good luck.

Is it worth calling his bluff - if he threatens to leave, don't try to persuade him to stay. See what he does