To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?

[M00nUnit]

We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the £40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.

Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.

We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.

I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.

I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.

He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.

Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!

When you've emailed him expect him to come home, pack a bag and say he's going to his mothers (he may come back all reasonable mind you never know) if he does go to his mother's then inform him the that's fine and when he's ready to come back agreeing to contribute to the household then you'll be waiting to send his threat back to him.

Can you imagine the conversation with his mother ' why have you left m00n?'

'All she thinks about is money and wants me to contribute to the household'

I doubt he would dare.

Now you've faced this head on I doubt you'll be able to get back to the way it was before without resentment setting in.

gosh yes that is a thought if you are supporting him and you get a divorce he could be awarded maintanance from you

*you'll be waiting! Send his threat back to him.

This is so awful. We're supposed to be going to a wedding tomorrow and this Saturday we're taking his boys to my parents' house for the weekend. If we still do these things we'll have to put on a front and pretend like nothing's wrong. I have friends/family I could talk to about this but I'm reluctant to as they've all got various problems of their own and I don't want to burden anyone. Especially not my mum who has explicitly told me she only ever wants to hear good news because she can't cope with hearing anything bad.

Am going off the idea of sending him an email now - I don't know what it'll achieve apart from making him angry and defensive again.

But ignoring it is not the better option and it won't fix anything. Have you thought why he's so angry and defensive? Because he knows he has a good thing, he's taking advantage of you and doesn't want things to change. Why would he? He's got it made.

It's like the accusation that you only care about money. Erm....no. He cares about money, he cares very much that you continue to pay for everything.

I'd definitely suggest getting legal advice about this.

You are married. You both own a property.

He is paying the mortgage on his house and his ex wife is living in it with her children. He also has his things stored in the loft at that property.

You pay the mortgage on your flat. He lives with you and does not pay anything.

It sounds to me a lot like you are being taken for a ride. I'm sorry. I also picked up on that he shouts at you and makes you feel like you're in the wrong. You're not. He's taking advantage of you.

PS You can download Title information documents (to see who owns a property) for a few pounds on the land registry website, you just need the postcode which you can find online.

Please update us on how you get on with it all

I don't believe he's giving the ex all his money.

I'm not even sure the collection exists, maybe his ex bought it with him and it's there's.

I am sure you should stop supporting him

I would cancel tge weekend at your house, tge wedding you could go together, others might have better ideas

Assuming that 25% of his salary goes on maintenance (quoting someone else up thread, not sure if this is the correct amount,) if he's not paying any bills, or mortgage, or food, or petrol he should actually have loads of spare cash.

I'd be very suspicious. What on earth is he spending it on? It just doesn't add up!

Someone else mentioned debt...I'm thinking gambling? Or maybe that he's seeing someone else? Maybe he's even saving it? Or can you see where it's going e.g. clothes, gadgets, paying for a car?

How many hours does he work, OP? How many hours do you work?

I'm wondering if he works less than you, what he's doing when you're not around.

He just doesn't sound like a particularly moral person with a conscience or a sense of responsibility, if he's happy with you working overtime to fund his lifestyle, whilst contributing nothing.

There is never a good time to send an email like this to an overly defensive person like him. The key is to be ready to call his bluff if he does threaten you with leaving etc. the whole point of his threat was to push you to a position where you don't dare say anything more.

I don't know why people keep mentioning how much the csa would charge as maintence. That's clearly not what he's paying. He paying the mortgage (which could be anything) and giving the ex £150 towards the children.

I also don't believe he is spending all of his money on his ex.
To do so would suggest he is an extraordinarily generous man, generous to a fault.

If he were that generous, he would choose to live somewhere as cheaply as possible so as not to enforce someone else to inadvertently pay his expenses. To do otherwise wouldn't tie in with his extraordinary generous nature would it?

Can anybody else with more knowledge confirm the situation about "can't force a sale until the youngest is 18" ?

Well I hope you are a good actress then op? I couldn't go ahead with the planned activities, with all this hanging over you. I'd need to get it resolved.

The trouble with any relationship problems is that "hope springs eternal"
This has all been a big shock and people hope that the situation is never as bad as it actually is.
Of course we don't know you and your situation, but going on the facts you have posted, this is really serious and needs to be sorted.

I can't see a favourable outcome. Op, you can continue to let him get away with unacceptable behaviour, or you pull him up on it and he completely changes, or you confront him and the relationship fails. My money is is you'll let him get away with it, because, whilst you sound lovely, you sound too soft and in love with him.

Only you can decide how much you can put up with.

I bet the ex has done the sensible thing and sold the lot.

He sounds horrible imo.

I think you should email him M00n, you are entitled to have your say without him interrupting or storming off and you will be able to spend as long as you like wording it. Then you know you have put your point across as otherwise this will not go away it will just fester beneath the rug where it is swept.

You just need to know exactly what is going where out of his salary, and that is not unreasonable when you are paying for everything and towards visits with his children. He needs to know that it isn't reasonable for him to expect you to pay for everything for the rest of your lives together. If he threatens to go to his Mum's call his bluff. Even if he does go he will be back. He must have known this day would come?

Re the toys - what if something happened to him? He should sell and whack some money in an account untouched if they are for his kids' future (aside from what he should contribute to your lives together!).

I might add that - even though we are guessing that these toys are likely not worth that much - does his ex know about them? How does he know she is not selling them behind his back if they are apparently worth so much?...You might want to drop that in and then next time you are round there he will want to check and you might get to see exactly what he has stashed up there! I wouldn't leave 'hundreds of grands' worth of stuff in my ex's house unattended!

Best of luck

I would try to see a solicitor today.

Cancel the weekend at your mum's.

If she doesn't want to hear ad news, you tell her, 'We are not coming this weekend and it's bad news so I will keep it to myself.'

You are NOT a burden to your friends! That is what friends are for! I would want to be there to support my friend in a situation like this.

Don't bury your head in the sand, it could seriously jeopardise your financial security for life!

When someone loves you, they want to support you, not manipulate you.

Cancel your plans for the wedding and weekend away.

There is no reason to pretend all is well when it isn't.

People who care will understand.

100% agree with expat on all counts, esp on the friend front.

If you have more than a vague inkling that you want to end this marriage, go and see a solicitor as soon as possible, to get a clear, factual assessment of where you stand, and what form the process is likely to take. Then you know. As soon as you start sending emails and telling friends, the emotional waters will get thoroughly churned up with everyone else's opinions, and it sounds as if your DH is pretty expert in manipulating situations to suit himself.

In real life it is hard to confront this when you have a wedding to attend etc and don't want the fall out to be played out publicly. I'm not saying ignore this, far from it, but could you spend today finding out where you stand legally and quietly putting some things in place. Then when it kicks off, knowing where you stand and any likely repercussions will give you more confidence in your position.

It also might be quite an eye opener to observe him in light of all this and see if some of your feelings might be partly due to rose tinted glasses.

So in 11 years time, he will own a property which he can sell (the house he is paying the mortgage on) and despite also paying child maintenance for all those years, he still intends to sell this house and give his ex half the proceeds even though his ex is not on the deeds?

At this point, he could also be entitled to a substantial share of your property, savings and pensions.

He is riding a gravy train and when that train stops, he will more than likely be gone.
You are working your arse off while he threatens and shouts at you to keep going.
I don't envy you but it doesn't have to be this way.
There are plenty of men out there who have too much pride to let their wife run herself into the ground to make money for him.
Why settle?

If he own another house then I guess you are entitled to some of that too, as a marital asset? Maybe some advice on that would be a good idea.

I don't think you need to cancel anything and your plans can go ahead.. There doesn't need to be any running away with ourselves about splitting up and the like just yet.

OP for the minute just hunker down and process things.. its just happened and your world's been rattled a bit. Then have a proper conversation with your husband when your heads a bit clearer.

Well I've drafted an email to him but I'll come back to it this afternoon. I'm going to have a bath now then I'm going to a colleague's leaving lunch. Thanks for all the good advice. You've certainly given me lots to think about.

He is using you. All the rest is details.

One of the most concerning things on this thread is that the OP has decided not to have any children of her own because she is supporting her Dh and his kids. There is huge potential for regret there.