To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?

[M00nUnit]

We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the £40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.

Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.

We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.

I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.

I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.

He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.

Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!

[twizzleship]

just as well i don't give a flying fuck about your opinion

[Serenitysutton]

Has the viral charity donation thing not happened in the Us before? No make up selfies etc? It seems a bit old hat, especially as such a big deal is being Made of it as though it's a new thing.

I don't have an issue with it though- I don't really understand why anyone would. Why would you care whether someone posts a video of them chucking water over themselves? It doesn't affect you.

[Serenitysutton]

Woops wrong thread!

[ememem84]

Good luck moon! I really hope you do follow the advice. Remember to maybe "forget" your purse over the weekend at the wedding. Or just have enough to cover a few drinks.

[blanklook]

M00nUnit I wish you the best of luck in starting a new life for yourself, you've had an awful shock and a wake-up call which isn't easy to deal with but you are very sensibly weighing up all of your options. Please seek as much professional advice as you need, particularly legal and financial, so that when the time is right you can go ahead with any plans you have made for a better future. May you have the wisdom to see it through and happiness to follow.

[MehsMum]

M00, you sound like my lovely DM: someone who thinks she should be able to cope with whatever life throws at her, and who really hates imposing on other people, especially with her own problems.

My DM spent 25 years in a horrible marriage, because she was too nice to ditch a man who shouted her down, demeaned her and took advantage of her kindness and good nature.

Please don't let that happen to you. I wish you the very best.

[WillowWoods]

M00n,your best luck ever is to have no children with this man. Walk now.

[Greengrow]

Also get pregnant next month on your own. It's dead easy and a lot simpler than with a man around. If you start next month once he's moved out you c an have 3 babies in the next 3 years before you are 40. Loads of us work full time, pay for childcare and have babies and are single. It's one of the best options. Women don't consider it enough.

[gamerchick]

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Moon does he have to go to the wedding with you? Is it on your side?

Can't you go alone and have some enjoyment with your friends? A little time away?

[Frogisatwat]

Err ok greengrow.. sound advice...

[Frogisatwat]

Is greengrow a man?

[Tikimon]

3 babies in the next 3 years

You know that the uterus isn't a gumball machine right?

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I'm glad you're starting to understand how badly you're being treated.

Don't worry about doing anything to this threads timeline - its your life and you need to go at a pace that's right for you.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

So he is still with his ex really. Apart from actually living with her.

He has just removed his mask and revealed a demon. Sorry.
See a solicitor.
Could you go the wedding alone? Or with a friend?
Maybe seeing your "own ppl" would be emotionally nourishing?
You are not a burden to your friends. If a friend of mine were in tjis fix i would arrange legal advice for her and readily have her talk my ears off.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

I think you do need to sit down with him, both sets of bank statements, payslips, mortgage statements, a list of outgoings for both of you, and take a serious look at your finances together. If he won't do this I would leave. And I wouldn't take his word for any costs, I'd want to see the evidence.

Don't forget that if you do divorce, you are entitled to half his property just as he is entitled to half of yours (that's assuming his xp isn't on the deeds of his house, in which case you would - I assume - be entitled to a quarter of the equity in the house). So depending on how much of his mortgage he's paid off, he could end up owing you money or vice versa. You need to know where you stand as a couple.

His getting angry is childish and pointless. He needs to realise that if he wants you to pay for things then you need to know why.

You could ask for all this under the pretence of checking your financial situation for if you should have a baby. But it would be better if you could be honest and say it's because you want your finances to be transparent.

[Greengrow]

No, I'm not a man. I am just one of the many women who work full time and have babies and also had the babies close together. I was just making it clear you do not need a man to have babies and the priority should be the babies at age 37 particularly if this man is about to be left.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Eh green you do need a man to make a baby, unless op goes down the artificial insemination route. I think op has more pressing things on her mind right now.

[Bearbehind]

Also get pregnant next month on your own

What a crock of shit- is that really your best advice greengrow?

[expatinscotland]

She is 39, green.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Actually. You don't need a man to get pregnant. Just his sperm.
And lots of women do raise their children very successfully without a man present in their lives.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

And at 39, no, you cant hang about if that is what you want,

[YouTheCat]

I think OP should concentrate on getting legal advice and getting rid of this cock lodger first before she starts artificially inseminating herself all over the place.

[Aeroflotgirl]

That's what I meant, you need a mans input don't you. Really op has to deal with the situation at present, I think the last thing on her mind right now us a baby