To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?

[M00nUnit]

We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the £40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.

Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.

We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.

I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.

I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.

He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.

Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!

Sorry MOO , I agree with those who think he's the cocklodger that he is showing himself to be.

Not sure how you feel this morning but he's not going to change.

Start keeping your hand in your pocket and stop being financially drained.

Tell him to slink off back to his Mother.

You sound so grateful to have him. I'm baffled why tbh. Come on now,what would you tell a friend if she told you she was doing this? He's a selfish twat,let him move back to his mum's & flip it round. If not contributing is so important to him,he has shown his true colours. He's trying to guilt you,you are letting him.

He sounds like one of life's takers....

What a turn off....

As for all his old crap in exes loft if he had any pride he'd sell it and contribute.

Hope he's worth it.

By the way, the toys in the attic are only woth something if they're mint, unopened and pristine.

He's an arse.

Well. He's got it made , hasnt he?
If he makes no financial contribution, and you share no children so he is not a sahp, exactly how does he make an equal contribution?
You feel so lucky to have him that you're paying to keep him.
That's not right. You deserve more than man for hire.

So what's his money going on then? Only 20 odd per cent on child maintenance I presume.

The issue here is not the value of some old toys in the loft but why on earth you are not seeing any of the money he is earning. It's ridiculous and unsustainable. Is he in debt?

OP. Do you know exactly how much of his wage goes on maintenance? Have you got proof. I don't think he can be paying all his wages to his children. When he was single, before he met you, how did he survive?

I think he is taking the piss. From now on tell him all expenses relating to his children have to come from him and if that means selling his stuff then so be it.

If you are married, I think the home now belongs partly to him. I'm not a lawyer but that was my understanding when I married my dh. Maybe it would be worth considering pooling your money? You are married. You can still have seperate bank accounts if it's important.

I think you need to talk to each other about what being married means to each other. Protecting your money incase you split up isn't exactly showing comittment to the relationship.

K

OP, have you reread what you've posted here?

If you haven't you need to because your relationship, on the face of it, is a sham based on what you've written.

You are paying for him to be in the relationship and to stay with you.

He hasn't committed anything to the relationship, FGS you are even paying for him to see his children.

If it's not over this I fear he will leave you if a better offer comes along anyway.

He just doesn't see the relationship in the same way you do and certainly has no respect for you- if he did he'd pay his way.

Not ensuring you have the means to look after yourself should the worst happen, and allowing yourself to lose a shedload of the equity you've worked hard to build up to a person you've known for only two years, isn't showing a lack of commitment. It's being sensible.

Have you actually read the op, katy?

You sound like a mug who us being taken for a ride. He knows you live him so deeply, that you can bear for him to leave..... He knows this and so he uses it against you.
Can you not see that you are being played?

He's a parasite Op. Can't you see that?

Earthwindfire- I have, but my circumstances are very different to OPs

You were only together 5 months before getting married - where did he live before he met you ? How did he support himself before he met you?
How soon did he move in with you ? It can't have been long in any case.
How did he afford his bills, food, petrol, clothes before he met you?
Yes he seems like a good dad in that he wants to support his dc and keep up contact but given they weren't married there's no way the CSA would be taking so much from his wages to leave him with nothing. I think it's 15% for one child and 25% for more than one. If he's entered into an unaffordable arrangement with his ex on the basis that he gets someone else to fund it it's unreasonable of him to do that . I know people will say you got involved with a man with children so you should know the score but there's a difference between being a good step mum and supporting the step dc and working and paying 100% of all your joint costs so that he can pay his cm.

Yes it would be nice to hand the dc a nice inheritance IF these things are worth what he says they are BUT that doesn't pay the bills in the here and now.

Sorry but it seems to me that he must have thought all his Christmases had come together when he met you. Roof over his head and ££ on tap. What would he have done had you not met and he swept you off your feet.??

Do the maths - If you only earn a bit more than him how come if he should have 75% of his wages left after child support. You should be able to hazard a guess at how much this is.

Where does all his money go?

I agree he is a cocklodger- what do you get out of the relationship ?

It's not fair on you in the long run and clearly unsustainable you can't have a baby, change career, god forbid become ill and can't work as you're the only one paying the bills.

What would he be doing for money if he didn't have you as it seems you pay for everything? I can't believe all of his wages are going on child support, unless he has a very unusual arrangement!

Regarding the toys, which isn't the real issue here, I'm actually a valuer in an auction house and my specialism is toys. Vintage Star Wars prices are the highest they have ever been and Matchbox are doing really well at the moment too (though Tonka toys are not collectable at all). It's a good time to sell, and if his excuse is that he doesn't have time to catalogue it all there are plenty of auction houses who would be happy to value it, cart it all away and do all the hard work.

I know people will say you got involved with a man with children so you should know the score

I don't think anybody would say that in this situation- the guy is using her.

As idont said OP, you need to find out what he does with his money. Given he lives with you and spends weekends with you and his kids it doesn't sound like there's much time for him to have a whole other life but it would be an explanation.

Likewise a heap of debt or gambling addiction could explain it- none of the options are very nice.

Whatever the reason, no man on a salary similar to yours (given what you manage to pay for) is unable to afford to pay anything towards his cost of living- he's just choosing not to.

If op does come back... The quicker you extricate yourself from this marriage the less it will cost you. Just close your purse and see how he behaves when the treats and free rides stop. You will have your answer.

I have a friend who kept attracting divorced men - she had her own flat in a nice part of London and a disposable income. Guess what they were all after? Yep - free rent and bills. Luckily she wised up to the fact she was their meal ticket. Your husband sounds like a total user and I'm so sad for you that you have put your baby plans on hold because of the situation. Please do not continue bankrolling him.

Bloody hell. I wouldn't pool my money with him.

I bought a house in my name only when I was married to my first husband, paid for the deposit and the mortgage and any work done to it. When we divorced, my XH put in a claim for the house but I argued that I had paid for it and his claim was unsuccessful.

If you owned the house anyway, you pay for it all, you haven't been married long, you have no children, your DH hasn't given up his own career to further yours etc etc, I cannot see that any court in the world would award him half.

how much maintenance is he paying? his entire wage??????

he's a cocklodger - sorry :(

"All you care about is money" Well that's easy for the person who pays nothing to say isn't it?

OP I agree with everyone here, he should have money to contribute to the household - CSA doesn't take everything! He's happy for you to pay for everything. That isn't right - in fact it's appalling.

I would be very careful. He doesn't sound committed if he's prepared to leave over some toys. He will have more of a claim over your flat the longer you stay together. I think he could drain you financially even more than he currently is. I would ask him to leave. He won't want to of course, because he has a very cosy set up.

I agree with the others, what is his wage and how much child support is he paying? I think it's important to start there, then you can decide who contributes what.

Cock lodger

I hope his name isn't on the deeds