To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?

[M00nUnit]

We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the £40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.

Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.

We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.

I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.

I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.

He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.

Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!

[Cheeky76890]

Get his name off the deeds and ask him to move to his mothers

[Blueandwhitelover]

I agree the toys will not be worth what he thinks, I think the hundreds of grands claim was grandstanding to make himself look clever and good in your eyes-that failed and he hit out emotionally.
He certainly won't be paying all his wages to the CSA, you need to ask to see the paperwork on that.
OP, you deserve a man who loves you and wants to make you happy, not one who will threaten to leave you when there is a subject for discussion that he doesn't like.
Please do not let any feelings of 'having to make it work for the outside world to see' make you stay in a relationship that is not equal. You are the only person who really knows 100 per cent what goes on in your marriage. Have you been thinking these things before but this has brought it to a head?

[LittleBearPad]

He sounds dreadful. Call his bluff and he can move back to mum. He won't. He's got too cushy a life with you.

Tine to talk about money in derail.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Look he doesn't sound very good. Stop supporting him, what would he do if it wasn't for you paint for his bills, petrol to see his kids. Why has he got these toys in his ex loft? Yes it is important as you are supporting him!

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

It's not good that not only are you paying for everything, when you ask him contribute he gets angry and threatens to leave. He wants to keep leeching off you. He knows full well you 'feel lucky to have him'. Means he can do what he likes, you'll put up with it. Only don't be.

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

Yes, it's not the fact that you contribute more. It's his reaction when you try to discuss it that is the problem isn't it? I find it also interesting that he plans to leave everything to his sons, leaving nothing to you, his wife. Actually, you should be represented in his will to cover any needs you may have in your old age.

So all his money he earns now and all his money in his will goes to his children... So where you you rank in all of this?? And you are correct, his attitude is preventing you from having your own children. You deserve better than this

[Aeroflotgirl]

He sounds like a cocklodger, he has it really cushy. If you can't have a serious conversation without him throwing a strop and getting nasty it's quite concerning.

[catsmother]

OP - I can't believe that deep down you don't already know that you're being taken for a ride. Maybe you were carried along with the romance and excitement of it all in the early days so you buried any misgivings ? But this is awful and there's no logical or acceptable explanation for the way you're being treated.

You saying you were "lucky" to find him "at all" makes me wonder about your self esteem. Do you consider him to be "out of your league", or have you not had much past luck with men maybe - have never had anyone want to "commit" to you before ? Because otherwise, I don't understand why you've let yourself be treated like this ?

The toys in the attic is a bit of a red herring but nonetheless, regardless of how much they're worth, if he thinks (or likes to boast) that they're worth anything - even hundreds - he should bloody well be selling them pronto so he can at long last contribute something to your household. The fact he claims they're worth "hundreds of thousands" no matter how delusional is a fucking insult under the circumstances. How dare he (potentially) be sitting on a fortune like that and in the meantime let you pay for everything ! You even enable him to see his children while you can't afford to have any yourself (though please please don't even think of doing so with such a selfish man). Any normal, decent person in financial straits would do all they possibly could to raise money if they had to depend on someone else for their keep - I mean, who the hell does he think he is ? He obviously has a hugely inflated sense of self importance/arrogance if he thinks you should be somehow bloody grateful for the pleasure of subbing a grown adult. Yet you come across as "grateful" anyway ..... I suspect, sad to say, that when you met he saw you as a means to an end, and can't believe his luck.

Toys aside, before you even knew about them there's something much bigger going on here. Like everyone else I'm at a loss to understand where his pay's going. He might well have a private arrangement with his ex over maintenance but it's ridiculous to suggest that all of his wages are going there. Where the heck is the rest of it going ? .... do you see or have you ever seen his accounts ? I'd guess he's either squirrelling money away and/or has some sort of secret habit (gambling, drugs). Or, and perhaps this is arguably worse, does he blatantly spend money on himself (socialising, clothes, hobbies) whilst claiming he "can't afford" to share any of the bills - and you've let him get away with this.

A "few bottles of wine" is another fucking insult. It's a sap .... "oh look at me, I'm treating you". No, he's holding you in contempt.

I'm really sorry OP but anyone whose first reaction is to threaten to go to his mum's when you make a completely reasonable request isn't that invested in the relationship. Maybe, just maybe (and this is giving him huge benefit of the doubt) he'd "forgotten" his stash until you mentioned your CDs - but if so, he'd have immediately started to make enquiries about selling it - not making stupid excuses and getting angry with you.

What I also don't understand is how he was living before he met you ? Was he at his mum's for free ? ..... did she buy all his food and slip him money for treats like going out and holidays as you have done. If that wasn't the case then he has a sum of money over every month which isn't accounted for. And if it was the case then more fool her and it doesn't mean that he's entitled to leech off anyone else stupid enough to be taken in by him.

I know that all of us harping on like this can't be a pleasant read - and you're probably already in shock from realising a solution (in part) to your money issues could be staring you in the face yet he won't facilitate that, but please please do something about this. Don't let him drag you down any further, don't let him prevent you from having the opportunity to live an honest life without any secrets and stuff that doesn't add up. I really think you should be getting legal advice re: your flat and what he may or may not be entitled to in the event of a divorce so you know where you stand - and then maybe, just so you can tell yourself you've tried absolutely everything, you confront him again and have a warts and all conversation about money and bills and who pays for what, and what he earns and where it's all going. You need to see his statements - don't be put off with airy-fairy comments about "lots of maintenance". I do somehow suspect however that he'll be very reluctant to have a full frank and fair conversation about money with you because any move towards a fairer system is going to disadvantage him (in his opinion) and I wouldn't be surprised if he blows up at you again.

At which point you'd be doing yourself a huge favour by telling him to fuck off back to mummy's - if she'll have him - I hope she doesn't. Cut your losses now because the longer you remain married to him the greater his claim for any of your flat will be. Hopefully, though I'm not a lawyer, in the event of any dispute, his claim should be minimal anyway .... he's made no contribution, and presumably you can show - for example - no money being transferred to your account from his, all the bills in your name and so on. And of course he can't claim he was making a non-financial contribution to the household, e.g. by being a SAHD. Even if you did end up having to pay him something the relative shortness of your marriage should mean it'd be minimal - and that would surely be worth it to save £££££s in the future if you carry on as you have been ? AND, you'd also get your freedom back and the chance to work on your self esteem, the chance (when you're ready) to meet someone decent, and month on month you'd be so much better off as well.

[Timetoask]

He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about

Getting angry like this and accusing you is a classic sign of him trying to make YOU feel guilty about what you suggested.

Please don't let him intimidate you in this way.

What is the situation with your flat?

[StackladysMorphicResonator]

What catsmother said. Child support is carefully calculated so that it doesn't leave a person unable to pay for rent, food, bills etc. Otherwise there'd be tons of homeless NRPs!

[StackladysMorphicResonator]

Oh, and threatening to leave you? Not nice. At all. Threatening you instead of having a grown-up conversation about it?

[ememem84]

Agree with above where is the rest of his money going? How did he support himself before?

It's great that he supports his kids and wants to leave them something, but surely he could sell the toys and use te cash for his kids instead? Out it into trust or something.

[notapizzaeater]

Presume this is the first time you've queried the money aspect hence hem knows he's in the wrong so went on the defensive to stop you pushing.

[EarthWindFire]

I hope his name isn't on the deeds

The OP is married therefore doesn't necessarily matter whether he is on the deeds or not.

[captainmummy]

'You're lucky to have him'? Yes, really lucky to spend all your money on him and his kids, and get not a lot in return.

Did he move in with you quickly after meeting?

What happens if you say 'i can't afford that' ?

The tantrum and shouting is designed to get you to back off and never mention it again.

[Aeroflotgirl]

It agree catsmother, read her post and others carefully, and think about it!

[LittleBearPad]

You got married very very quickly. What was the reason for the speed?

[weatherall]

No wonder his ex ditched him!

Cocklodger.

At 39, whirlwind romance, get out while you still can.

If you wants DCs of your own you don't have a day to lose.

[lizzzyyliveson]

If you separate now it will be classed as a short marriage and he will not be able to claim any of your flat or your pension. If you leave it for a few years that situation will change. Your eyes are opening and you still have time to save yourself.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

You feel lucky, but I feel do sorry gor you op. :(

[MassaAttack]

If he was that bothered about his children, he'd have sold his toys and bought somewhere to live nearer to them.

[MaidOfStars]

If Cocklodger, by dint of being married to OP, has a claim on the house, does OP, by dint of being married to Cocklodger, have a claim on the 'hundreds of grands' worth of man toys?

[owlonabike]

OP, please, please think seriously about what catsmother has written. You deserve better treatment from your husband. He should be ashamed(but he won't be)

[ouryve]

As a single man, how did he pay his own bills, if he's so skint from looking after his kids? I find it hard to believe that his mum let him stay for free and fed him for free. More fool her if she did. And if she did, you need to make it clear that he's a grown man and needs to act like one and pay his way.