To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?

[M00nUnit]

We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the £40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.

Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.

We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.

I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.

I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.

He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.

Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!

[Kablooger]

Men always have thighs they reckon are in worth masses in the loft IMO. Never are. Stop paying for everything op

[whois]

I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. And he knows it. I call cocklodger.

+1

Seriously OP get a grip. Way too many women posting on MN who are being taken for a ride. Sort your self esteem out and focus on yourself before jumping into bed with someone who only wants you for your flat and money.

[Thebodyloveschocolateandwine]

He's bloody lucky to have you op. Both of you should remember that.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

I am absolutely shocked and appalled that you are allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat. Do not feel grateful to him for marrying you- if he is allowing you to spend all your money on him and his kids when he blatantly has at least half his paycheck squirrelled away or wasted somewhere, then he does not love you. What did he say, what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine?!

don't feel so lucky or grateful that you don't open your eyes to this. You need to have a proper frank conversation about money- it should all be transparent and you need to demand full disclosure, if he refuses it is not a marriage, and you should let him go to his mums. Don't let your fear of being alone make him let you treat you like this. Maybe he doesn't realise how much you are spending and how tight things are, in which case you need to show him. If he does realise already then like others have said, he is a cocklodging twat, you would be better off without him.

[expatinscotland]

It's a sad day when a person thinks it's lucky to find a freeloading twat.

[Balaboosta]

Can't bear this 'cocklodger' thing that loads of posters are saying but I hope you're hanging in there somewhere OP cos there's some good intelligent advice on this thread , among the nonsense.

[VeryStressedMum]

Haven't read all the thread...but does he give ALL his income to his kids???? I very much doubt it, are you sure he hasn't got another bank account?

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

They're toys. They're in the ex's loft. It's ridiculous to talk of 'leaving' them to his boys, they should be playing with them now! And if it was my loft that had a bunch of Star Wars and Matchbox toys in then I would have brought it down for the kids anyway so is he sure that hasn't happened?

Unless they're unopened, rare, in perfect condition that is. But if they're just the toys he played with as a child it makes me really cross to think of them gathering dust in a lift when he has three kids who would love them. What a waste and what a selfish man.

At 39 with two adults working full-time able to run cars, go on holiday etc then you are in a position to have a baby if that's what you really want. Why is he so passive though? You can have one if you want. How does he feel?

He's lashed out because he's been caught out showing off and inadvertently exposed his selfishness, laziness and irresponsibility. He's gone straight to the nuclear option - threatening to leave - to try to divert you away from the can of worms that is well overdue opening.

You say he was 'angry and aggressive'. It sounds like a side of his character you haven't seen before. Is that because you haven't challenged him before? In a marriage, you should be able to discuss finances transparently and you should be able to raise concerns without being shouted down. The issue here really isn't the toys, it's his attitude to you that is the problem.

[Serenitysutton]

I agree there is a lot of nonsense on this thread. don't take legal advice from the Internet OP, speak to someone who knows what they're talking about.

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

Balaboosta- i admit i had never heard the word cocklodger before mn, but here is the definition from the urban dictionary- When a guy lives in his girlfriends place and doesn't pay rent. Sounds like it applies to me, even if the word is nonsensical. What would you prefer? Freeloader, gold digger? The fact remains that this man is taking the op for a ride.

[Bunbaker]

"don't let him pay into your mortgage. Don't put him on the title. When you eventually get bored of his tantrums and being taken for a ride you'll want to do everything you can to protect your asset. Record EVERYTHING."

This ^^
You really need to safeguard your assets from this bloodsucking leech.

You aren't the lucky one, he is. He married you for your money. He is being dishonest with you and you need to seek legal help to make sure he doesn't get his claws into your assets.

[Thebodyloveschocolateandwine]

Totally agree with jellytrifles view on his reaction too.

You Are worth more than this op.

[bunnybing]

Why is he keeping them in his ex's loft - seems a bit daft for £100ks worth of stuff.

[Aeroflotgirl]

There are also some very good advice re catsmother. He does sound like he's taking the piss, imagine those toys were antiques or jewlery, it would be incredibly bad for him to have those assets, whilst you support him and his children. The fact that he got nasty and threw a tantrum because you tried to have a reasonable adult conversation is concerning! You have to be able to discuss important matters together like this! I would seriously call his bluff really. You sound like you have low self esteem and self worth, that you were lucky to have got a man. Well he's very lucky to have you, supporting and looking after him! I would tajes tge good advice on here, and seek real life help and think seriously about the next step!

[fabulousfour]

He may be exagerrating about the value. Hes a user.

[londonrach]

If it's in his ex s loft surely it's hers now. I doubt they worth that much. It's not important. However op have a look at what you gain from this relationship? He does seem to be onto a good thing with you.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

Some threads on here never cease to make me Imagine your friend told you what you've told us. What would your advice be, honestly? He's really done a number on you hasn't he, making you believe you're so lucky to have someone who uses you for your money and refuses to contribute to joint expenses? Please open your eyes and seek legal advice pronto. You sound lovely, but a bit naive.

[Inertia]

Where the hell is the rest of his money going? He won't be paying all of it in maintenance . If this was a partnership he would be pooling in what he could.

His aggressive reaction is just as worrying.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

It's funny how money is an issue when it's you paying out for everything op, isn't it?

The way he jumped down your throat about it speaks volumes. Sadly you have been the enabler of this for over a year. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I know the situation exactly - I have been in your shoes.

If you have checked the law and it's correct that he would be entitled to half your house (and by the sounds of him, he's going to take it) then he should be paying towards the mortgage surely as you have nothing to lose? So work out a monthly amount he needs to contribute for bills and ask him to set up a direct debit into your account. If you get a bad reaction to this, then I think you need to really review your position.

Cut expenditure now - I know you probably enjoy spending time with his kids, but stop paying for petrol, and let him organise his own way up for weekend visits. Take a weekend at home for yourself. Send him back to his mother and call his bluff - he wants you to panic about losing him and beg him not to leave. That puts the power of the relationship firmly in his hands. Act unruffled - you've done an amazing job of building yourself a life before him, and you don't need him. You might want him, but you don't need him.

It's time for him to grow out of the manchild phase - if he doesn't have enough money to pay for half of the outgoings, plus his CSA plus his petrol (can't that be claimed somewhere BTW?) then he needs to have a rethink of his current earning potential and look at his options - ask for a payrise, go for a promotion, find a new job, get some evening work in a pub or supermarket.

Because that's what responsible grown ups do, in the real world.

Don't forget - you are entitled to half those toys too.

Lastly I'm really sorry that your relationship has turned so bitter so soon. I really sympathise OP, I know how you feel. But sort it now, before you end up exhausted and sad years down the line.

Don't let anyone try and hold your heart hostage - anyone that really cared so deeply for you would never do something that cruel.

[PeppermintInfusion]

Re his claim on the house, according to both a lawyer friend of mine and a solicitor I consulted when I started cohabiting, it is largely untrue that he could claim for half, even if married.
The general sentiment applied is "you get out what you put in" for most couples these days.

If the house is in your name and you pay the mortgage from your account, it is considered your asset for the most part. Even if he were to pay you "rent", this is considered payment for keeping a roof over his head, unless you were charging him market rate, not him paying his part of the mortgage.
He may have a potential claim if he contributed to eg. renovations which significantly increased the value of the house.

He may have a claim several years down the line if you have sustained a lifestyle he could never have afforded himself so he has become accustomed to a certain standard of living, or if they were a sahp which has the expectation of support and the added complication of dependent children.
Overall 2 working independent adults are considered as responsible for themselves. If you marry later in life you will have had to provide for yourself for a no of years so you can go back to doing so. It would be different for people out parents age, where there was an expectation of being dependent, most assets were acquired collectively and you had went straight from your parental to marital home at an earlier age.

[wildfig]

bunnybing exactly - if his 'hundreds of thousands of pounds' was in gold bullion, would he be leaving it in the ex's attic?

secretly hoping the ex has been down to the Flog It! valuation day and sold the lot already

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

So either way - he should be paying a contribution to rent then Peppermint?

It sounds like you really need to sit down with the bank statements and work out the financials of your relationship op.

This is so much more than toys really, isn't it?

[PeppermintInfusion]

Exactly Wally

[wildfig]

They are Symbolic Toys. He is throwing his Symbolic Toys out of the pram, and you should pack him off back to his mother.

[AnnieLobeseder]

So how did he support himself before he met you?

It's all very well for a married couple to be sharing finances, and if one earns more than the other then family money should still be that, shared family money. But if you're both working, earning more or less the same and yet you are paying for everything then something is seriously wrong.

As is him threatening to leave as soon as you disagree on something.

Have you got access to his bank statements? Do you pool your wages in a joint account? Do you know exactly where all his money goes?

You need to have a serious talk with him, and a very serious look at the family budget. You say you're married, but you sound like room-mates.