To think my husband should sell his "hundreds of grand" worth of stuff so I don't have to keep supporting him?

[M00nUnit]

We've been married for 15 months, together just over 2 years. He's got 3 kids from his previous relationship (they weren't married) so pays a lot of child support. Consequently he can't afford to contribute to my mortgage (for my London flat he lives in with me) or any of the bills. I also pay the £40 a week it costs in fuel for us to drive up to see his kids every weekend (we have them at his Mum's house - she lives really near them fortunately). I also pay whenever we go out anywhere (including with the boys when I pay for all of us) and I've paid for each of the holidays I've been on with him.

Normally this doesn't bother me too much - I just happen to earn more than him (although not MUCH more - I`m a secretary) and I feel very lucky to have found him at all so I don't worry too much about the fact that I have to support him financially. I love his boys and totally understand that they're the most important thing in the world to him. However tonight he dropped what I see as a bit of a bombshell.

We were chatting about whether I should try and sell my rather large CD collection now that I've got all my music on iTunes or whether it would be pointless as CDs are worth nothing these days, and he casually mentioned that he has "hundreds of grands worth" of vintage children's toys in his ex's loft. Tonka toys, Matchbox cars, Star Wars stuff etc.

I was really shocked and asked him why on earth he hadn't sold any of it instead of letting me continue to pay for everything. He got really angry - he said he can't sell any of it because there's too much of it and we'd need a truck to transport it plus he doesn't have the time to catalogue and sell it all. This I told him was really daft because if the haul was worth as much as he said it was it would definitely be worth the time and effort. He got quite nasty - saying that money was clearly all I cared about and he was never going to sell the toys so I "should put that idea out of my head right now". He says he wants to leave them to his sons. He said if I wasn't happy about that then fine - he'll move back in with his mum. Am gutted that he threatened to leave me - that's not what I want at all.

I just don't understand how he thinks it's ok for me to have been bankrolling him all this time and often working overtime to make ends meet when all this time he's been sitting on a goldmine.

He told me when we got together (both at the age of 37) that we could have kids if that's what I wanted, but I decided against it because I didn't think we could afford it. If he'd sold even part of his collection maybe we could have had a baby.

Now after the big row we had tonight I've gone to bed and he's still in the living room and will probably stay there. This whole thing has really thrown me - normally we get on brillliantly and are totally loved up. I hate arguing, and I was shocked by how aggressive and angry he was with me.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should make an effort to sell some of this stuff so that I don't have to keep paying for everything? I can understand him wanting to leave something for his kids, but he's not dead yet - we're only 39 and have many years ahead of us!

[hellsbellsmelons]

What expatinscotland said - with bells on!

This is one of those threads when I want to yell at the screen.
Please OP wake up and smell the coffee.

[3littlefrogs]

Well - he has got his feet nicely under your table OP.
Does he contribute anything at all to your marriage?

[LittleBearPad]

Well yes 3frogs the odd bottle of wine when he wants one

wanker

[BrucieTheShark]

Jesus H Christ how much child support does he pay?

I have NEVER heard of someone contributing nothing (oh sorry except the odd £5 on a bottle of wine) whatsoever to a family set-up when they work full time.

And he earns nearly as much as you and you can afford a flat, all bills, all food, all holidays including kids etc. AND he has you feeling grateful just for having him. He's got it all sewn up hasn't he?

I would get the divorce started asap so he takes as little more of your money with him as possible into the sunset.

I've heard of some hair-raising spongers in my time but this one is possibly the winner. The toys in the attic is just the icing on the cake tbh - at least it could open your eyes to what he's doing, if you'll let it.

[BrucieTheShark]

Expat as usual has it in a nutshell.

[HeySoulSister]

His ex still has his collection?? That's strange

[atticusclaw]

Im another who agrees they're probably not worth much. Gone are the days when people were surprised at the fact that a toy in mint condition is potentially worth more than they paid for it. As a result lots of people buy cult toys and store them thinking they're sitting on a goldmine but then the rarity value disappears.

DH kept a load of marvel comics from the seventies for years and years. we were excited when we went to look at the value. Yes they were worth more than the 15pish he paid for them but not much more.

I bet the Ex had them on ebay long ago if he was foolish enough to leave them there.

Anyway not the point really, the point is more his behaviour which i agree is completely out of line and i think you need to turn off the cash tap and see what happens.

[lacksdirection]

What are his good points OP?

My xp used to accuse me of only caring about money, despite me being the one who struggled to keep us afloat for years.
He was projecting because when I took a step back and looked at the situation in the cold light of day, it was clear to see that all he cared about was money and how much he could spend on what he wanted to spend it on.
Have you any proof that he spends all of his money supporting his children?
This situation won't improve while you are so passive and accepting of it all. You will end up with nothing and he will run in the opposite direction when he has wrung you out like a wet limp dishcloth.

Why did he split with the mother of his DC? Has his xp ever mentioned how much he pays her for their dc or do you only have his word for it?

[lacksdirection]

You only care about the money!!

I wonder how often he uses that line with his ex or when talking about his ex to you OP?
Yet he apparently spends every penny he earns on supporting his children?
Sorry OP but he's pulling your chain.

[diggerdigsdogs]

OP I'm sorry if you feel like you're getting a kicking. I do hope you come back and let us know how you are.

[ChelsyHandy]

Things I don't understand about this thread (sorry OP!):

• how many men are like this?!

• Why do you feel grateful to have found him???

• Why would a pile of old junk be worth hundreds of thousands of pounds?

• Why does he say you only care about money when he has put you in that position by not contributing financially to his life with you?

• If he threatens to leave you, and you are grateful to have found him, and provide him with free food, accommodation and services, and cannot afford to have children with him, why are you so desperate to keep this man? What do you get out of it, and is it worth it? Won't you just get fed up with him after the novelty of having a husband wears of, and wouldn't it be cheaper to get rid of him now?

Sorry, I'm feeling blunt!

[Kablooger]

Even these 'valuable' toys are in SOMEONE ELSES LOFT

such a free loader

[M00nUnit]

Thanks so much for all your replies. It's hard seeing the truth in black and white on my screen though. I guess I need to have a serious chat with him when he gets home from work tonight (I didn't see him this morning - he snuck out without waking me - I'm off work today as I had some holiday to use up).

To elaborate on his financial situation: before he and I got together he was living with his mum. I doubt whether he was paying her rent. In terms of child support, he pays the mortgage on his ex's house (the house is in his name) and his intention is to give is ex half the money if and when it gets sold. The youngest son is 7 and you can't force a sale of a house until the youngest child is 18. As well as paying the mortgage he also gives the ex £150 a month. He is about £4K in debt but is supposed to be getting paid a bonus of at least that much in April next year.

I bought my flat 6 years ago and the deeds are in my name, as are all the household bills.

I think I'm going to send him an email today explaining how his behaviour has made me feel and using a lot of the points that you lovely MNers have made above. I think it'll be better than trying to speak to him because at least this way he can't keep interrupting and shouting at me.

[Bouttimeforwine]

Almost 100% go his salary on cm? Only enough left over for the odd bottle of wine?
That in itself is a huge red flag, without adding in the toys.

If you confront him on this and you so should , don't take his word for how much the toys are worth. Make sure you see the valuation and make sure he has listed the whole collection. There is so much wriggle room here.

If you do continue this relationship, then there needs to be complete financial transparency.

I can't begin to imagine how the op feels now. I hope she comes back, but I can imagine how our unanimous words must have rocked her world, which she thought was all loved up.

[Nanny0gg]

As you're off today, ring round a couple of solicitors and book your free appointment for initial advice.

You're going to need it. Sorry.

[HermioneWeasley]

OP, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

In the meantime, he is accruing an entitlement to marital assets. As well as the flat, do you have savings? A pension? He's entitled to a chunk of those of you divorce.

[BloodyClarey]

Forget the stupid toys, they are probably worth hundreds not hundreds of thousands, if that. What does his ex do? Why can't she pay some of her own mortgage? More importantly you can't have a conversation about money with your husband face to face. That is a big problem.

[Bouttimeforwine]

I'm not sure the can't force a sale until the child is 18, is true. I think the obligation is to keep a roof over the child's head, and to keep the child in a the style in which it has been used to, but not if that means there is zero left to support the absent parent. No court in the world would leave someone nothing left, to live themselves. Another line he is spinning you, I'm afraid.

[lacksdirection]

at least this way he can't keep interrupting and shouting at me

I feel sad for you OP that your H won't discuss something as important as your finances without resorting to interrupting and shouting at you.

This is a blatant attempt to get you to drop the subject because he is quite happy to remain in the status quo to your detriment.
So he threatens to leave and when you try to raise subjects he doesn't want to discuss, he interrupts and shouts at you?

What are you hoping to achieve OP? It doesn't sound like he is the type of man who will listen to your very real concerns if it isn't going to benefit him further.

What does he bring to this marriage? What does he give?

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would look into the legalities of things. He has assets, his house, and is paying half the mortgage and maintenance! So how us he supposed to live! Freeloading I guess. Yes cover your back op, think very hard. Yes I would seriously get him to move back to his mums, giving you space to think.

[lacksdirection]

Another point to consider is have you ever seen evidence of all of this support he is paying?
Or is this based solely on what he has told you?

[yellowsun]

How much is the mortgage that he's paying and how much is his salary?

[NigellasPeeler]

total cocklodger

[hellsbellsmelons]

Please get some legal advice regarding what you would owe him.
He's set himself up nicely here.
Seriously, protect yourself and your assets from this cocklodger.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I'm sorry, OP, but I, too, call cocklodger. (It sounds like he's like this with everyone, TBH.)

Good luck with emailing him. Let us know how it goes, if you are able to.