To scream loudly and repeatedly at my boyfriend for not killing a spider?

[Beeyump]

Let me begin by stating that I am very scared of spiders, to the point of getting hysterical and wanting to run as far away as I can. If possible, I kill them because I can't bear to be near them. Anyway, my boyfriend - who knows all this - was staying last night, when a horribly large brown spider was spotted. I lost it, yelling at him to GET RID OF IT AND KILL IT, or at least put it outside. He did not, instead picking it up and transferring it to another room. When he informed me of this I got really angry, because I felt as though he had completely ignored my feelings/fear. Before this he had been finding it funny , but when I properly screamed at him he told me that if I 'carried on' he would leave. This episode rather dampened the rest of the evening...

Afterwards I felt guilty, stupid, but also pretty angry at him. Think I'm probably being unreasonable, but I don't feel it

OK. I am terrified of them. I was before I went to school or saw scary movies... my parents are NOT. Mum has a violent dislike of frogs and toads.. I do not.

I have done all of the fixes, the man at Bristol Zoo gave me my money back, I had done everything he would have suggested. Tarantulas hold no fears for me, they are pretty and heeeuuuge, slow moving and so very obviously the kind of spider that terrifies me.

Why? Because a phobia is illogical. Anyone who thinks anyone with a phobia of anything likes the feeling the object of their phobia induces needs to think again. It is horrible.

Beeyump tell your boyfriend that what he did was not funny or in anyway acceptable. It was a massive abuse of your trust. My DH once told me he had got rid of one monster when he hadn't. I met it again a day later and ripped into him in a most unloving manner. He apologised profusely saying he had not wanted to tell me he had dropped it, he didn't want to worry me. I explained that I had to be able to trust him or I would only become more paranoid and frightened. He has accepted that and is now very honest and tells me if he has not managed to corner one and put it outside.

He works away and I have been known to abandon rooms until he returns. But slowly I have been able to gain more control (I am 49 in a couple of weeks). I doubt this would have been possible if DH had ever found it amusing to pretend to throw a spider at me or to put one in another room instead of outside.

If your boyfriend can't see this and apologise he needs to be covered in honey and left out for the wasps!

Thank you for understanding, Nomama.

YABVU to kill them, that is cruel and selfish.
Your DP was being unreasonable teasing you about it though. I really think you need to confront your phobia though if it's having such an effect on you, maybe you could start off with money spiders? Ooh, OP, are you okay with those spindly cellar spiders that sit in corners and don't move much? Because once you have those in your house you will hardly ever see a house spider again because they kill any that come in.

Huntsmen, Cellar spiders, Andallmyhopeisgone.

Known as Fairy Spiders in any house I live in, all left to do their own thing. Like Tarantulas I have managed to give them an acceptable face - last house had hundreds of them, which helped me categorise them as harmless.

It is possible to cope, sometimes. Flooding is stupid, though extended proximity helps (see my comment about 'fairy spiders') starting with money spiders too - each size of spider causes a different reaction, so you can't use one to reduce fear of another! Honestly.

The TV fixes don't last by the way... sorry, all that clap and disconnect the feeling from the object does not work unless it is sustained over a long period of time. On telly the phobic trusts the 'psychologist' - that's the first thing they do "Trust me" they say. Once they have gone the phobic has to find their own way of continuing. It makes good telly though!

YABVVVU to kill spiders, they trap flies which sit in shit all day then and spread diseases.

Although I do understand your reaction to a phobia- I have one and become irrational when I'm experiencing mine.

Can you not get a spider catcher?

If OP is anything like me then a spider catcher is one of the most ridiculous and useless things ever 'invented'. It was definitely made by someone who isn't scared of spiders.

I mean, they have long arms that a spider can run up. They have capsules at the end that the spider sits in waiting... If I ever used one it would then be thrown as far down the garden as I could get it... but I would never use one... the spider is trapped at one end, I am trapped at the other - useless

Fairy Spiders... I've not heard them called that before I have them here too, and since they moved in I hardly ever see any big house spiders or other spiders. Used to get loads before.

I know I posted earlier but I am infuriated by those belittling your fear beeyump! I reiterate YANBU!
I scream and cry too and it is an out of control response. I have had hypnotherapy, tablets and learned CBT practises for anxiety and the best i can do is squash teeny ones and even then it makes me feel sick! They have to be killed as the only way to stop the panic is to take immediate action. I promise the spray I mentioned earlier works, you can even spray it on them in desperate situations. The only people telling you YABU are the ones who have no idea where you are coming from. They are therefore totally unable to empathise. I would like to see MrTumbles face his biggest fear popping out in his house at any given moment unannounced. I almost wish I was afraid of dogs or something so I would at least feel safe in my own home. Keep a hoover out if you are afraid when you get home tonight.

A phobia ("aversion", "fear, morbid fear") a type of anxiety disorder, usually defined as a persistent fear of an object or situation in which the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding, typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, often being recognized as irrational. In the event the phobia cannot be avoided entirely, the sufferer will endure the situation or object with marked distress

Sorry for the long post, rant over!

I have a phobia and agree that belittling reactions to it and calling you a wimp is really unfair.
I just think that killing another living creature is a horrible thing to do. Do you not feel guilty afterwards?

Do male spider phobics scream and cry too? Or has it been socialised out of them?

DH isn't spider phobic but he does squeak, flap like a loon and flee if there is a wasp or moth around.

I get brownie points for putting flying things out of the house.

We are quite compatible as far as phobias go

I personally have only seen women react that way.
This doesn't help OP though.

I'm sure some men do, they just learn to hide it better.

I do hate to ask this, but why are women on here saying that it's impossible for a phobic not to scream and cry if male phobics manage not to?

As I haven't said that I won't go for the social engineering, gender expectations and, 'they just do' response

Have you read Charlottes Web.. Loved spiders after reading it years ago.
However, saw a horror in my bedroom hanging in a corner with orange stripes. I thought "this is definitely not dear Charlotte! Got a photo somewhere and could have a go at posting but don't want to give you nightmares. DH put it outside but I told him it should have been sent somewhere for ID. Too late was his reply.

Thanks for the responses, I have found the belittling to be quite annoying, but I do understand why people say these.

Can honestly say I feel no guilt if a spider is killed.

Aw, Russian, I do like your post.

Ha ha my huge strapping 24 year old lad is terrified of them too do it's not just ladies.

He should have put it outside op. Killing a living creature is horrible but so is laughing at your fears. That's being a bully.

We all have our fears.

On yes and he shouts and runs too.

Hakluyt I recommend you search YouTube for Phil Jupitus' stand up routine explaining the three categories of spider and his reactions to them. There's a man who is very public about his physical and vocal response.

In Jupitus' terms, I had a category three in my flat at 5.30am the other Sunday morning - which one of the cats helpfully alerted me to, me being in bed at the time. Unfortunately it was too far up the wall for the cat to reach, kill and eat. Fortunately for the entire street, it didn't move so I was able (while attempting to hold off a full blown panic attack) to get the Dyson out. If it had dropped and run I would have had screaming hysterics. As it was, I was still shaking half an hour later when I went in search cigarettes at the local garage to try and calm down, and it was another half hour after that before I was fully recovered.

I have had treatment for my phobia. It didn't work. Having cats has helped, I find the occasional leg on the kitchen floor but haven't come across quite as many of the big ones since I got the cats. Since I moved out of my Mum's home I have had to deal with them myself but the reaction doesn't get any better. There's no way in hell I could catch and put one outside, so my methods of dealing with them are hairspray and the rolling pin, or the Dyson.

yy to the Phil Jupitus sketch... it is so very funny and obviously from the depths of terror!

Oo, I'm going seek out that Phil Jupitus sketch!

All 3 categories available here

www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL243732C3A1FA69E4

"If you wish to live and thrive, let the spider run alive"

Ever heard that old proverb? Well spiders DO eat flies and other household creatures that spread diseases. Their webs can be astonishingly beautiful. Spider silk is very very clever stuff.

Yes, they move in a disconcerting way, but they don't deserve to be killed. They are small, they won't hurt you. They are more scared of you than you are of them.
Get help to deal with your phobia. I'm sorry you feel so bad. In the mean time, try to learn to cope by:

a) covering spiders gently with something opaque so that you can't see them - eg a yoghurt pot
b) sliding something thin but strong- eg a sturdy postcard or birthday card - underneath the pot
c) if you can, pick the whole lot up very gently and put it outside.
d) if not, wait until someone trustyworth can do this for you.

PS Your boyfriend was being a bully. Was he irritated by your screaming (though that's no excuse), or is he often nasty to you?