To scream loudly and repeatedly at my boyfriend for not killing a spider?

[Beeyump]

Let me begin by stating that I am very scared of spiders, to the point of getting hysterical and wanting to run as far away as I can. If possible, I kill them because I can't bear to be near them. Anyway, my boyfriend - who knows all this - was staying last night, when a horribly large brown spider was spotted. I lost it, yelling at him to GET RID OF IT AND KILL IT, or at least put it outside. He did not, instead picking it up and transferring it to another room. When he informed me of this I got really angry, because I felt as though he had completely ignored my feelings/fear. Before this he had been finding it funny , but when I properly screamed at him he told me that if I 'carried on' he would leave. This episode rather dampened the rest of the evening...

Afterwards I felt guilty, stupid, but also pretty angry at him. Think I'm probably being unreasonable, but I don't feel it

I trained myself to do the glass and paper thing as my Dad refused to remove spiders from our rooms when we were younger. I wasn't phobic, just very, very scared.

I would literally be shaking holding this glass and once, instead of whizzing the paper off underneath the shake spidey into the garden, threw the whole glass out as well. Woops.

My sister was properly phobic of spiders and all creepy crawlies to the extent it dominated her life and she started getting paranoid e.g. she thought I was being vindictive when I put on a kids tape including incy wincy spider and when she came to stay and was sleeping in DSs room which happened to have a Spiderman duvet. I turned the music off and changed the duvet cover of course (easy enough to do) and reassured her I was not doing it out of malice, just being a normal person. She since got therapy and can tolerate them now.

I think it's normal not to like them, who wants a spider crawling on them, but when the fear starts to dominate your life and those around you then it's time to get help.

I wish you luck OP.

There was a big one climbing, well kind of resting, along the north face of the stair carpet last night.

Stopped in my tracks and went gaaaahhh not a scream although have screamed in the past.

Cue the call to DH to please get rid of this beast. He was most impressed, having already gone to bed.

Thanks bonkers Something does need to be done.

'screaming and crying is a learned response, and possibly one which you have previously been rewarded for by attention and sympathy.'

But what about when I do this on my own? Perhaps I'm looking for attention and sympathy from the spider.

I think the response is more instinctive than learned.

Don't blame me, blame my amygdala!

Yes, it certainly feels instinctive, like the immediate leaping away after touching something hot.

If I saw a spider in the middle of a play at the theatre (how?) I would have to leave. Sorry MrTumbles, but I'm finding you quite patronising. Maybe because your comments are making me realise more that I need to do something about my fear though!

deakymom "anyone without a phobia of spiders can leave the thread you're not helping!"

Surely people who used to have a phobia but have overcome it are helping or trying to, if they explain how they overcame it. More than other people just saying they've got the same phobia anyway. I don't understand your logic.

Don't know any males with a serious spider phobia, but DP will scream if confronted by a wasp!

Regarding owing it to yourself to get therapy, if I had the spare cash to fund it then I probably would, but couldn't justify it at the moment with other things to save up for.

Believe me, anyone who saw me in the presence of a spider would have no doubt that I had a genuine phobia. Flight response takes over and I panic and yes sorry I do scream, it's utterly beyond my control. Had to get a neighbour round on Saturday night to deal with one in our living room. DP would normally deal with it but he was away.

Can't speak for anyone else but the reason I am reluctant to seek help etc is that I am sure most treatments would involve being in the presence of spiders at some point. Acclimatising or whatever.

No
Fecking
Way

I don't know though - learned doesn't always mean copied... You scream once when you are 5, because a big spider spied unexpectedly surprises you, and

A) are unintentionally rewarded by mummy or daddy or big sibling rushing over, scooping you up, big cuddles, poor you, saviour kills or removes "nasty spider that scared poor little X"... behaviour reinforced.

or

B) mummy or daddy or whoever smiles, says its only a spider, in this country they are harmless, shows you how to catch it with a paper and a glass, puts it outside, encourages you to learn more about spiders and be comfortable around them - behaviour modified.

Repeat the pattern over time, you end up with very different adults.

Numanoid, how about trying to face the fear by dealing with tiny spiders yourself. Running away just reinforces and prolongs the fear. Facing it diminishes it.

I agree MrTumbles.

Yup its exposure therapy. Gradually building up from looking at pictures all the way to holding a spider.

There's also something called flooding, where I assume they drop a box of arachnids on your head.

Chockbic

You're not helping

Its not compulsory! Actually they might not do that with spider phobia. Just a guess really.

I don't remember screaming as a child. Instead I remember standing frozen with fear in my primary school classroom, as a massive spider crawled up my long white sock, unable to call out for help. And not being able to make a sound when I stuck my finger into a nest of spidery grub things (?) when I was a bit older.

I don't remember mummy and daddy scooping me up or being my saviour.

Flooding!

I can just about look at a picture (after a brief moment of panic thinking it was real) but the way the fuckers move is the real terror.

I read once that fear of spiders and snakes is natural to humans but most learn to overcome the fear .

Although my mum doesn't like them. Clearly she is a bad parent.

Also called being thrown in at the deep end.

With a bunch of floating spiders.

Shhhhh!

Zipping it now.

Buy a cat.. Our two little predators ensure no 8 legged shenanigans in this palace.

Back when I was a teenager, I killed a spider rather than removing it from the house and my father, who was watching, asked "could you make one of those?". Made me stop and think!

I would go nuclear if my DP had moved the spider to the other room. I'm personally of the 'kill them' preference but really as long as it is gone I don't care how it happens.

I completely understand what you mean. I go dizzy, shaky, light headed and quite breathless when confronted with a big spider. My shoulders hunch upwards and tingles and I can barely construct a sentence, all I can manage is 'there! There!' its odd because it never used to be this bad, I only started to feel dizzy etc about a year ago which is actually when I was starting to be less scared of the smaller spiders. Very strange.

I understand what Mrtumble is saying too, my mum is terrified of spiders and would scream and jump onto the sofa if she saw one. From a young age I learned that spiders were things to fear. My DP mum isn't bothered by them at all and neither are any of her children. This applies to most people I know. If the parent is scared of them then there children will be likely to be scared of them too. But of course not every fear of spiders is a learned one.