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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To scream loudly and repeatedly at my boyfriend for not killing a spider?

256 replies

Beeyump · 19/08/2014 10:07

Let me begin by stating that I am very scared of spiders, to the point of getting hysterical and wanting to run as far away as I can. If possible, I kill them because I can't bear to be near them. Anyway, my boyfriend - who knows all this - was staying last night, when a horribly large brown spider was spotted. I lost it, yelling at him to GET RID OF IT AND KILL IT, or at least put it outside. He did not, instead picking it up and transferring it to another room. When he informed me of this I got really angry, because I felt as though he had completely ignored my feelings/fear. Before this he had been finding it funny Hmm, but when I properly screamed at him he told me that if I 'carried on' he would leave. This episode rather dampened the rest of the evening...

Afterwards I felt guilty, stupid, but also pretty angry at him. Think I'm probably being unreasonable, but I don't feel it Angry

OP posts:
drivenbyyou · 19/08/2014 10:31

My DH is phobic (kids are getting there too - not his fault, he's their stepdad. They were scared long before he came on the scene).

Anyway...I am the spider catcher in our house. I don't kill them, I put them outside. I do ask if anyone wants to have a look (trying to get them used to seeing the spider without screaming the place down) but no way would I pretend to throw it, or wave it at them, or put it in another room.

YABU for screaming and shouting, but I understand that you don't have much control over that. OTOH, your bf sounds like a bit of a twat.

SoDiana · 19/08/2014 10:33

YANBU. I was late for work last week as there was a massive one in my bedroom, at the entrance to the ensuite. So, I spent 10 minutes assaulting it with hairspray. It then managed to plonk itself inside the door OUT of the bedroom. Cue, more hairspraying. I am absolutely petrified of spiders. You just never know how quickly they're going to run at you and run up your leg/arm/the shoe you're trying to kill them with. Lazy ass could have thrown him out.

I'm a peaceful person. But I like to see spiders dead. Only way you can trust them. Terrorists!!

Fairenuff · 19/08/2014 10:34

YABU to scream loudly and repeatedly at him for anything, except maybe "call an ambulance".

This phobia is for you to deal with, not him. You need CBT or similar to treat the condition.

I lost it, yelling at him to GET RID OF IT AND KILL IT, or at least put it outside.

If he had not been there, what would you have done? If you don't like the way he deals with spiders, stop telling him what to do and deal with it yourself.

chocoluvva · 19/08/2014 10:35

But he could have put it out of the house Freckled.

I also have a fear of spiders. I have to make a huge effort to stop myself shouting 'Don't come after me with it, I'm really frightened'. When I'm on my own I hoover the enormous ones; they move really fast. Hunter spiders.

I know it's stupid but when your heart is pounding and you can hardly think animal rights don't figure.

Flipflops7 · 19/08/2014 10:36

He enjoyed your hysterical reaction. Just ask him to put it outside next time, in a calm voice. Spiders shouldn't be killed.

littlepeas · 19/08/2014 10:37

Yabu! You shouldn't kill spiders! Yes, he should have put it out of the house, but you don't kill a little creature because you are irrationally frightened of it. I don't like big spiders (tend to leave smaller ones be), but would be horrified if my dh killed one. We put them outside.

Merel · 19/08/2014 10:40

I'm not scared of spiders but I was as a child, so I feel really bad for you about this situation. I can't understand why he didn't put it outside but instead had fun tormenting and scaring you. Very childish behaviour and sends quite some message about how he feels towards you. I think you need to make it clear to him that this is not something to laugh at and see how he handles himself next time. Also you need to bear in mind that you might not be able to rely on him if this happens again.

Considering all the above it does sound like you may benefit from some treatment for your phobia.

differentnameforthis · 19/08/2014 10:42

Those who don't mind spiders (like me)don't really understand

Some of us do. I have known 3 people very scared of spiders for years, I get it.

My dh hides in any room where the spider isn't.
Friend calls me (if her dh isn't home)
Other friend used to get her dd to put a glass over it (if not to big) and would ask me over to deal with it. Before that, if I was there, she would scream loudly, or throw something at it (if I wasn't there) and hope for the best.

I move the outside, or kill if not possible to grab it.

Yabu. It is a spider. Its more afraid of you. SO unhelpful!

Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 10:42

I know, I do need to do something about it. At this stage, however, I have absolutely no qualms about killing spiders.

OP posts:
PhaedraIsMyName · 19/08/2014 10:43

You are being ridiculous. If you are in Europe we for have dangerous spiders and killing something entirely harmless for no reason is awful.

differentnameforthis · 19/08/2014 10:43

and a wimp. Am assuming you are not afraid of anything, coffee?

Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 10:44

Sorry. But that is the way I feel.

OP posts:
PhaedraIsMyName · 19/08/2014 10:46

Oh and I do get being scared of spiders. My husband is. He's also grown up enough to understand they won't hurt him. If they are in the bath or somewhere he can't ignore them I remove them.

chockbic · 19/08/2014 10:46

Saying a spider won't hurt you isn't much help.

We know this logically.

I'm convinced its some primal form of self protection.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/08/2014 10:47

Bloody phone, my first post was supposed to say in Europe where we have no dangerous spiders.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/08/2014 10:48

I'm convinced its some primal form of self protection

We don't live in caves any more. Still ridiculous.

LadyLuck10 · 19/08/2014 10:49

Yabu grow up.

RandomFriend · 19/08/2014 10:50

My sympathies, OP. My mum had a complete phobia of spiders, if she saw one, she would simply scream until someone (me from age 5) appeared and killed it.

I don't mind spiders - in fact, I quite like them (the harmless ones, at least). But mum hated them and I wanted to protect her.

It isn't nice for him to be screamed at, but he needs to "get" that you have a phobia, that is irrational and cannot be got over through reason. So when there is a spider on the scene, he needs to get rid of it permanently.

RiverTam · 19/08/2014 10:50

well, I know you're not alone in thinking that but I'm really Hmm and Shock that you think it's perfectly acceptable to kill a harmless living creature because you are scared of it. A very useful living creature at that!

Perhaps it's time to try and get some help in overcoming your phobia?

Flipflops7 · 19/08/2014 10:51

Perhaps schools need to get kids used to spiders etc before they get to the age of watching horror films that demonise harmless creatures and encourage screaming. I dunno. Poor Incy Wincy. :(

Username12345 · 19/08/2014 10:51

I have absolutely no qualms about killing spiders.

But you don't kill them, you scream at others to do it.

I agree with getting CBT or something to overcome it. What'd happen if your BF left?

Or get a cat. They eat spiders.

Username12345 · 19/08/2014 10:53

PhaedraIsMyName
Bloody phone, my first post was supposed to say in Europe where we have no dangerous spiders.

What about the false widow?

Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 10:54

I don't believe that house spiders are that useful. I do realise, rationally, that it's wrong to kill them...but I don't think that when I'm in the same room as one.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 19/08/2014 10:54

Yanbu

It is only ever on MN that I see people concerned about spider welfare.

chockbic · 19/08/2014 10:54

They are horrible things.

Would rather have flies.