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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To scream loudly and repeatedly at my boyfriend for not killing a spider?

256 replies

Beeyump · 19/08/2014 10:07

Let me begin by stating that I am very scared of spiders, to the point of getting hysterical and wanting to run as far away as I can. If possible, I kill them because I can't bear to be near them. Anyway, my boyfriend - who knows all this - was staying last night, when a horribly large brown spider was spotted. I lost it, yelling at him to GET RID OF IT AND KILL IT, or at least put it outside. He did not, instead picking it up and transferring it to another room. When he informed me of this I got really angry, because I felt as though he had completely ignored my feelings/fear. Before this he had been finding it funny Hmm, but when I properly screamed at him he told me that if I 'carried on' he would leave. This episode rather dampened the rest of the evening...

Afterwards I felt guilty, stupid, but also pretty angry at him. Think I'm probably being unreasonable, but I don't feel it Angry

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 19/08/2014 13:21

This is a common subject on AIBU, and there are several people who have been successfully treated for their phobia. Several zoos have sessions and you can even get treatment on the NHS.
Two don'ts
Don't kill the spider. It will reinforce the phobia.
You probably learned the phobia from your mother. Do not teach it to your own children.
Good luck!

Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 13:27

Ah Flipflops, that's not entirely fair. I don't enjoy being terrified of spiders, and have actually been lurking on a thread on Chat which talked about people getting over the phobia. So there's hope for me and the arachnids yet.

So, no need to fear Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 13:28

I do want a bit of validation too though...shh.

OP posts:
hmc · 19/08/2014 13:30

He should have put it outside, but YABU for wanting spiders killed - phobia or not!

Boleh · 19/08/2014 13:33

I think you know you were unreasonable as you apologised but so was he, I guess he really doesn't understand the idea of a phobia. Maybe explain whilst you are feeling calmer what you need him to do. I understand your reaction, I'm an emetaphobe (didn't know that term existed until I joined MN!). I was watching a TV show on iPlayer with my DP when it started to look increasingly like someone was going to be sick - I shut my eyes and put my fingers in my ears as normal but having peeked up it became clear that people being sick was going to be a significant part of the oh so hilarious plot line so I asked him to turn it off. He didn't bother. I got increasingly distressed as I had my laptop on my lap and couldn't' move it without taking my fingers out of my ears so I couldn't leave but could still faintly hear what was going on. I ended up screaming at him and sobbing hysterically at which point he grudgingly turned it off. I was really upset and angry with him at the time- he could finish watching it when I was out. What I saw of the damn program is still bothering me. He really had no idea how distressing I find it, I assume your DP is the same rather than being deliberately cruel. I wouldn't want to kill any kind of creature so I can understand that, but he could easily remove it to the far end of the garden.

Merel · 19/08/2014 13:34

I know someone who received some help with a phobia of mice. Didnt cure her 100%, but it was only a short course. However she did get to the point where she held a mouse in her hands.

Hakluyt · 19/08/2014 13:35

If he understands that you're phobic, then he is completely in the wrong to laugh, tease or taunt you. He should brave put the spider outside and if he didn't he was being a bit of a dick.

But you're a grown up- you should be able not to scream and shout about it (obviously it would be hard not to if you suddenly came across one- but carrying on is a bit unreasonable). And you are very unreasonable to want a harmless living thing killed. Put outside yes. Killed no.

Numanoid · 19/08/2014 13:40

I have a spider phobia too, I used to get hysterical when I was younger as family home was very spider-y. Not overrun, but seeing at least one spider every two weeks or so was the norm. And they were those huge, brown beasties that look like they'd throw a book straight back at you if you try to squash them with one!

Now I can cope with them, but get really, really scared and upset if I'm forced to be near them. I had a similar situation when we were out on a row boat on a nearby lake and DP took us under some trees overlooking the lake and kept going towards a branch with a big spider on it, saying turning around was too difficult and it was only a spider. Cue me crying and shouting at him to turn the boat around, and ending up annoying him because I had to go 'into' the branch the spider was on and almost tipped the boat trying (and failing) to avoid said branch.

I wouldn't shout at him for putting a spider in another room, I would be upset if he left one in the room as I can't sleep/stay in a room knowing one is nearby. If in a different room, I would just assume it would scuttle away under the floorboards/into a hole in the wall and leave me alone. Grin Putting it outside would be best, though DP just squashes any I come across and can't deal with myself.

By the way, I held a tarantula recently and it wasn't half as scary as you'd think. :) I like them more as due to their size they can't get anywhere tricky to remove, so there was no chance it would be away up my sleeve or anything like that.

DamnBamboo · 19/08/2014 13:43

YABVU to expect him to kill another living creature that is doing you NO harm and just because you're scared of it.

Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 13:45

Ok folks, I am unreasonable to clamour for the death of poor, innocent spiders. Sackcloth.

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 19/08/2014 13:50

Are phobias self diagnosed? Where do you draw the line between not liking something and being a bit freaked out, and a real phobia... If you could control your anxiety if you had to (the job interview scenario) could it be a real, genuine phobia?

I just wonder as, as soon as somebody categorises their discomfort about something as a phobia, it puts them beyond question somehow and makes all kinds of irrational and demanding behaviour acceptable. If person A claims to have a phobia about spiders, person B must remove (or, apparently, kill) the spider for person A, even if person B is uncomfortable around spiders too - in some cases person A might have a real phobia, but if it is a label they have given their own discomfort, perhaps they are actually not phobic, but have simply claimed the label as a way of forcing other people to deal with their feelings of discomfort, rather than dealing with it themselves...

Probably going to get flamed :o but some people are screamy and screechy and don't actually feel that embarrassed about being so... others might have an equal level of discomfort or mild anxiety around the same thing but not want to look irrational and so deal with it more calmly.

A real phobia is probably crippling, and maybe the OP has a real phobia - but I do wonder how many people use it to excuse rather silly, needy behaviour - and in some cases pass these responses on as learned behaviour to their children or grandchildren etc.

Hakluyt · 19/08/2014 13:50

As an aside- I only know women spider phobics- do men scream and cry too? Or is it socialized out of them?

Hakluyt · 19/08/2014 13:52

There was a famous television person called Bernard Levin back in the day who didn't turn up for a live broadcast because he was trapped in his bedroom by a spider he had seen briefly in the doorway.

flamingtoaster · 19/08/2014 13:55

Never, ever kill a spider. A spider was killed in my FIL house in Singapore during WWII and the house was hit by a bomb the next day (luckily no-one was killed) The whole family is now very nice to spiders! If you must get rid of spiders then they should be trapped under a glass, slip a piece of cardboard under it and gently put it outside.

Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 13:56

I do not generally cry and scream and shake and sweat when I am scared of things. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 13:56

Oooookay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 13:58

Also, as I said before, I do not fucking enjoy this.

OP posts:
juliascurr · 19/08/2014 14:02

www.primrose.co.uk/spider-catcher-p-2294.html

got dh this
it works a treat

BigglesFliesUndone · 19/08/2014 14:45

I used to be the same with wasps. I would shake when one came into the house and have to leave until someone could kill it and get it out. I'm really ashamed that I passed this on to dd1. I don't know how I changed - I still hate the fuckers but I can pretty much kill or remove one now - most of the time. I do sympathise.

Not worried about spiders at all generally, but a MASSIVE one (really proper big) appeared in ds' s bedroom the other day and it gave me a jolt for the first time ever!

Original poster
Beeyump · 19/08/2014 15:03

When I get in from work, I know that I will feel unable to go into the living room, where he put the spider. That is going to be really inconvenient, and I feel so pathetic, but that's the way it currently is. So MrTumbles, your comments particularly nettle me.

OP posts:
Numanoid · 19/08/2014 15:07

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase I don't know about the OP, as I can't speak for her in having a phobia or just being scared, but it's not always an excuse for being irrational.

Mine isn't learned behaviour, for example. My mum actually likes spiders a bit, my dad isn't bothered by them either way. I wouldn't make a fuss about them but my parents would often be woken up by me crying in my room or once or twice throwing up (not proud!) because there was a spider on the wall/the floor/wherever and the noise I made (but tried to keep to a minimum) woke them. They make me physically sick, I don't like them, don't know why. I only class it as a phobia because my mum wanted me to try therapy because I'd start shaking and crying every time I spotted one.

Big spiders in a controlled environment are fine, but house spiders are horrible. I think it's because they're faster and their size means it's easier for them to possibly get into small spaces and hide until they're ready to jump out at you. Wink I've tried to trap a spider under a glass and telling myself there's nothing to be scared of, but it didn't even come close to working.

deakymom · 19/08/2014 15:09

he should have put it out the house anyone without a phobia of spiders can leave the thread you're not helping!

deakymom · 19/08/2014 15:13

spiders make me vomit does that sound like a "real" phobia do i even care if you think my phobia is real? no tbh im uncomfortable around most creepy crawlies spiders make me puke and give me a rough tummy balloons have a similar reaction for me but not as severe

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 19/08/2014 15:19

So - assuming it is a phobia, genuinely, then you absolutely owe it to yourself to seek help for it as soon as possible - if it makes you unable to lead a normal life. Many, many people have suggested options and told you how they themselves overcame the fear, and how liberating they found it.

I do know people who play up slight squeamishness about all sorts of things, from spiders to wasps to sick either because they like the attention, or because they are genuinely a bit scared or uncomfortable and and would just rather somebody else deals with it. I also know some people have genuine, uncontrollable phobias about these things - but if you are capable of "sucking it up" if it is necessary socially (job interview, in the middle of a play at the theatre etc.) then it isn't a phobia, you are just scared, and the screaming and crying is a learned response, and possibly one which you have previously been rewarded for by attention and sympathy.

Hakluyt does have a point about how many males would scream and cry if faced by a spider - it does suggest there is an element of social conditioning. Those with genuine phobias deserve help, but I doubt everyone who gives themselves the label is being accurate.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 19/08/2014 15:24

deakymom this is AIBU - you don't get to tell anyone who doesn't have the identical viewpoint to you to leave the thread. Also nobody is saying you, or any one individual, doesn't have a phobia, nor denying the existence of phobias, only saying that those who can control their reactions in one setting are BU for screaming and crying and throwing a tantrum in another.