To scream loudly and repeatedly at my boyfriend for not killing a spider?

[Beeyump]

Let me begin by stating that I am very scared of spiders, to the point of getting hysterical and wanting to run as far away as I can. If possible, I kill them because I can't bear to be near them. Anyway, my boyfriend - who knows all this - was staying last night, when a horribly large brown spider was spotted. I lost it, yelling at him to GET RID OF IT AND KILL IT, or at least put it outside. He did not, instead picking it up and transferring it to another room. When he informed me of this I got really angry, because I felt as though he had completely ignored my feelings/fear. Before this he had been finding it funny , but when I properly screamed at him he told me that if I 'carried on' he would leave. This episode rather dampened the rest of the evening...

Afterwards I felt guilty, stupid, but also pretty angry at him. Think I'm probably being unreasonable, but I don't feel it

Thb unless you have tried something like cbt (have you?) I don't think you can continue to act the way your are in terms of getting hysterical and killing spiders and dismiss your actions with a simple 'I can't help it'

I have a phobia of a common harmless animal myself so do get being scared, and how awful it is to be made fun of, but still see the onus as being on me to learn to deal with it better

Grunt is right. The courses that get you over your fear do it by incrementally showing you that you can tolerate the fear. It's about learning to cope with the rising fear rather than running away from it.

So you are shown a pic of a spider and helped to tolerate that level of fear. When you are shown it again, the fear is less, a third time, it's less again. So you move on to a bigger challenge - a pic of a bigger spider or a live tiny spider in a box and you tolerate each tiny step because the fear itself subsides - you have mastered it.

I totally understand the fear of spiders and admit that the big spiders really scare me, to the point where I avoid doing things in case I come across one.
However, I don't think killing them is the answer.
I would love to be completely free of my fear.
I used to panic at the smallest spider and I felt this way for years.

I was terrified that if I got near it, even to put a glass over it, it would somehow manage to run up the outside of the glass and run onto my hand and then up my arm and into my hair or face and I'd never get it off.
I knew I had to deal with this fear so I asked xp to pick one up and show it to me. He picked up the only one he could find which happened to be a medium sized one in the garden and when I was ready he put it in my hand. It tickled like an ant. It didn't run out of control up my arm. I suddenly wondered why I had been afraid for so long.
Since then, I have picked up a few small ones to put them outside and have felt good about it.
I still panic inside a little but I can do it.

Having said all of this, I am still very scared of the large ones.
If anyone can advise me as to what I do if I come across a large spider, I'd be very grateful. I just don't want it running out of control over me and biting or nipping me.
Are large spiders more likely to bite or run out of control?
Do I just make an appointment with my GP?

I have a pile of clothes I need to sort in my bedroom and I have put it off for so long in case I come across a huge spider.
I'd like to begin to tackle the clothes today so any tips or advice would be appreciated. Are clothes piles somewhere spiders are likely to want to hide?

Sorry for the hijack.

Your reaction may have seemed overboard to him. But I get where you're coming from. I'm not as bad since I've had kids as I don't want to scare them but I've had a panic attack when one was moving towards me (i cant can't even type the word I'm that bad). Its not nice to have a phobia to that extent and a lot of people don't understand it, yet do when its about snakes/heights which don't really bother me.

I still ring my dad who luckily lives up the road if DH isn't here an its a huge one. I do get sympathy from DH as he doesn't like them either but I make him do it as he doesn't get the shakes like I do.

Your oh was mean to not take it outside as he could clearly see you were scared. Even if he did think your reaction was overboard he didn't have a problem moving it to another room so should have took it outside.

When you are in a really bad patch with a phobia it is understandable to have behaved the way you did - people don't realise the horror and terror that can come with these phobias. It can take days to recover and rooms can have to shut off for days...

However, you must try not to kill them. Spiders are just trying to get on with their lives, and the glass/postcard method to move them is much better. I've been using this for years.

Please try not to kill them - I used to sometimes in a panicked state of terror, but my phobia is much better now and I feel awful about it. I think knowing you might kill them adds to your panic, you feel better and braver afterwards if you take them outside. Try to work on the phobia - mine is not so bad right now so I'm wimping out of the course but if I felt the need to kill them now I would go for treatment. Or start by moving little ones with a glass and build up gradually.

I think you shouting was understandable in your state of fear but that you should work on non-killing options. However, putting it in another room was incredibly stupid or incredibly rude. He should have taken it outside down the road and round the corner for sure. If not you'll live in fear of it reappearing and the poor thing might end up dead - no-one wins. Make sure he gets this and they always go outside if they are big enough to really worry you.

Pile of clothes that has been undisturbed for a while may well have a spider or two in it.
Use a long stick or a hoover tube to flip over the clothes and give th spider time to decamp.

I need to ask him why he put it in another room. So weird. Also, now I ponder over it I think he might have picked it up using a newspaper (and the pretending to throw it at me was done with empty hands?), so there is the question...is he a bit freaked out by them too? Probably not, and he wouldn't admit it if so. But all weird.

"My husband is absolutely petrified of spiders, to the point of having night terrors about them. However, he has agreed to go to one of London Zoo's arachnophobe courses"

You've reminded me that when my daughter was about 5 we went to London Zoo and all went in to the "spider and insect house", I can't remember what its proper title is. Anyway, I had only got a few feet inside when I just ran outside absolutely horrified and freaked out. They, on the other hand, were quite happy to continue looking round.

It's funny to remember that, as they're both still quite scared of spiders, my daughter more than my husband, whereas I can now deal with the biggest ones completely calmly, including holding them in my hands. I didn't go to any therapist, just did what I explained in my posts above. Small ones first. You may leave the room as soon as you see one, at first, but steel yourself to return and calmly put it outside and you're well on your way to curing the phobia, once and for all. It's great!

YABU although why did he put it in another room. I'm terrified of them and I'll use the hoover on them if DH is not here, if DH is here he always puts them outside as he hates them getting killed. He used to pretend to throw them at me like a twat so I asked how he'd feel if I threw a slug at him (he's slug phobic). He understood and just puts them outside with no arsing about now.

I am phobic of spiders. But I recognise that this is my problem. Not the spiders'. Not my DH's.

As a result, I ask (not scream or demand) DH to put them outside.

I also refrain from hurling abuse at people when they don't follow my exact orders regarding the removal of the beast.

And I have been working on my phobia so as not to freak out around spiders around my DC and make them phobic too. I am now fine with little ones, though I still climb the walls if I see a big one scuttling across the floor.

I don't blame your DP for threatening to leave when you were abusive towards him. I hope you apologised.

Spiders arent harmless creatures. They bite and some of them are nasty. Thankfully most of the bites in this country would just be a bee sting.

I am no longer scared of them and don't feel the need to evict them. Lets face it for every one you see there will be another one lurking.

I overcome my fear by finding out about them. They are fascinating creatures with weird sex lives. Whats not to like

Sheesh, I didn't quite 'hurl abuse' at him. The jist of it was, 'WHY ON EARTH DID YOU PUT IT IN ANOTHER ROOM, WHY WHY??!!! YOU KNOW I CAN'T STAND THEMAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!' I did apologise for shouting. But I didn't say, 'Sorry for being abusive.'

You said " I properly screamed at him he told me that if I 'carried on' he would leave".

Screaming at someone is abusive unless you are screaming in order to protect either them or you from harm. He must have felt very uncomfortable with your screaming or he wouldn't have threatened to leave.

Call it abuse, don't call it abuse. Doesn't make it right either way. It's absolutely unfair to project your issues so directly onto him.

You should never kill a spider. Spiders are good luck and money

Well, I think it was abusive of him to taunt me in the first place.

Ok...that is an overreaction, because I do feel guilty about shouting at him. You're probably right. As I said, I did apologise to him.

Yy to prodding clothes etc and giving spiders time to decamp. Let them find another little corner and they won't bother you or run over you. They just want to live their little spidery lives.

I wouldn't ever kill a spider, mainly because I am fucking terrified of flies. It's the eyes and the buzzing and I have regularly run from the room. It's got better as now I will tentatively open a window if it's on the other side and then run shrieking out of the room, only coming in later to see if it's gone out. I wouldn't kill it though, mainly because I hate and am disgusted by dead flies and because I would have to get close enough to kill it. I wouldn't expect someone else to kill it though, that's my personal and moral decision, it shouldn't be put onto them.

I feel (a bit) sorry for people that hate spiders, although the people I know that hate them are not phobic, merely ridiculous wusses, all of whom have similar mothers that scream at the sight of a spider.

I do wish people wouldn't kill them though.

YANBU you have a phobia! Why on earth would he put it in another room?! Problem solved? Errr NO!

Am terrified of spids, can't even write the whole word. Blurgh. Can't even look at a picture of one.
The hoover works best. Also recently started wearing a rubber glove to kill small ones (DH is completely incompetant at killing and it infuriates me).

Nothing is more irritating than non-fearers saying those beasts are more afraid of you!

Tell him that you need him to sort this properly in future NOT transfer to a different room!

Let me just add that this works a treat - Spiderex Aerosol Spray by Spiderex

Keeps them at bay so you don't have to worry about incompetant bf!

The spiders kill all the other bugs and creepy crawlies though so I'd much rather have them around. My wife is the same as OP though, she'll see one upstairs and then run screaming downstairs leaving me to hunt down a spider that could be anywhere in the room so that I can throw it outside. Take a course to get over the fear, they're generally harmless and interesting creatures.

I fear OP just wants validation rather than to actually get over her groundless fear.