Possibly Not Taking Kids on an Amazing Holiday...... WWYD?

[19lottie82]

Sorry this is kind of long!

I’m 32 and have recently got married to my DH, after 4.5 years together, who has 2 girls (14 and 10) who we have 50% of the time, we all get along really well so no problems there.

The girls mum is a recovering alcoholic, who sorted herself out about 2.5 years ago, and now works, and has them 50% of the time. She is doing a bit better, but still pretty useless in terms of providing for the girls (we buy pretty much everything, despite her promises to buy ½ school uniforms etc, it never happens). She has promised that she will take the girls to New York in 2015 to her cousins wedding, but based on past experience, I really can’t see it.

My IL’s have a small holiday home in the Algarve, so the girls get taken there every year without fail, which they love. The girls love it and it’s really great as it means we can all have a break with only budget flights and spending money to cover. Also, the kids are not spoilt, but they do not go without in terms of gadgets, clothes pocket money. I think my DH tries to make up for their useless Mum, in some ways.

About two years ago my OH and I went to Florida for a week together, without the kids, I felt a bit guilty, but it was the only holiday we had taken together, ever, and when we were looking for a week in Europe, a very cheap deal popped up (as it was term time I guess), so we grabbed it. The kids didn’t seem that fussed (they have been before), but I did feel a bit bad going without them.

Then last month we went away without them on our honeymoon for 10 days, round SE Asia (paid for by my parents as a wedding present), I don’t think the kids would have even wanted to go to these locations and it was our honeymoon, so I don’t feel too guilty about going away without them, but obviously, on paper, it was a child free holiday.

At the moment we are all in my flat that I bought before I met my DH, it’s a bit cramped but we are trying to make do and save up for a deposit on a house so we can upgrade to a larger place, nearer the girls school and friends. We will need a minimum of £15k, and have £3.5k so far.

So, anyway, my Dad and my DSM are moving to San Francisco shortly for 2 years. He has spoken about my DH and I going to visit, an told us he has enough Avios (air Miles) to “pay” for our flights whenever we want to go over for a visit and they have a 2 bed place, so we can stay there, no problem. Great!

However, the dilemma is, I would feel really guilty about going away without the kids again, especially to America, but the problems are…..

1. My Dad isn’t overly keen on children, and it would be a bit of a squash with all 6 of us in a 2 bed place. If we asked, I know he wouldn’t say no they couldn’t come, but I wouldn’t impose all of us in his place for 10 days, so I guess the plan would be spend 5 days there, then hire a car for 5 days and do our own thing (California theme parks, maybe?). This obviously would cost.
2. The “free” flights for my DH and I that my Dad is offering will be available on a few select dates only. Realistically, the chance of getting them in the school holidays, is slim to none, so to cover 4 flights during the holidays would be about £3200.

So, to cut to the crunch. Dh and I have the chance of a free holiday, we would love to take the girls, but if we do it’s going to cost us upwards of £5000, basically all our savings, when we are trying to save for a house deposit.

Also, I haven’t had any serious discussions about this with my DH, but he has already mentioned in passing to the kids about us all going there on holiday at some point, but I don’t think he has considered the cost implications (he does this a lot).
I will feel a total bitch if we can’t take them, but I think at the moment our financial priority should be focusing on the house. It’s kind of a heart vs head situation!

WWYD? Help!

Posters are suggesting that she think about whether she'd leave her own children or not - there's no reason why she has to feel that she has to come back and confess her answer, either way. And either way she can't win - if she would leave her own children according to you that's selfish. If she wouldn't then according to loads of other posters she's a horrible stepmother. Brilliant.

Holidays mean lots of different things to different people. It's pretty rigid to think that they always have to mean 'family time'. The girls have that family time every summer with the OP and their father. My parents took us away every summer, and sometimes they went off and did things by themselves as well. So did we, by going on school trips and going off with friends. So far the OP hasn't even discussed it with her DP yet, and you've already decided that he's offloading his children onto someone else (their mother . . .) on his days. And even if he does go for longer than a week and makes the time up either before or after, it shouldn't be that big a deal.

Another selfish Mum here, myself and DH have a couple of holidays per year plus a weekend or two away (DC's are 16/18), one holiday ALWAYS with DC's, sometimes abroad, sometimes not plus we take them camping once a year BUT we also enjoy holidays alone. My exh (who DS lives with) has never taken DC's on holiday.

OP go visit your father, I read the OP and the thread, the DSD's have a holiday each year abroad with you and your DH, that's plenty. And anyway, they live with their Mum - perhaps she could take them on holiday?

As for the poster suggesting buying the DSD's mother a gift.....for looking after her own DDs 50% of the time as normal, that's just ridiculous!

I could understand some of the comments a bit better if the OP had her own children and was taking them and not her step children (even though personally I don't think there is anything wrong with that depending on the circumstances).

But she's not. This is an opportunity for her to visit her DF with her DH, and there are no children going. Her father is probably really pleased that he can save them some money by using his Avios, it's a nice gesture for him to make. He's getting on in years and doesn't do well with kids. There isn't really room for them to stay without it being a squash for everyone. It would mean going in school holidays when it will be considerably more expensive. It would mean that the time would no doubt become more about the children being entertained and making sure they had a good time than her and her DH spending some quality one on one time with her DF and DSM. Which in my view, is equally important - my parents are a bit older than the OPs and the realisation that they are not going to be around forever is starting to hit me.

If OP and her DH were going to say Disneyland and Universal for a fortnight on their own, paying for it themselves at the expense of the children having a holiday, yes, that would be shitty. But they're not.

OP please go and have an amazing time!!

I think you should go on the holiday without your stepdaughters.

Your DH was wrong to mention the potential holiday to his children until you discussed this together and he needs to understand that in the future, holiday decisions absolutely must be made jointly with you before talking to his daughters.

What sort of a dad takes his girlfriend of 2 years to Florida instead of his kids?

What sort of a dad takes his girlfriend of 2 years to Florida instead of his kids?

Oh FFS.

It was during term time.

The DC's had gone the year before.

I'm really not seeing what the issue is here?!

Some people on MN are seriously over invested in the idea that 'Florida' matters more to kids than anything else and to somehow go without them is child abuse.

Florida is considerably bigger than Disney. And even if it wasn't that one act in isolation wouldn't make someone a terrible, selfish, parent.

The sort of father that took them to Florida the year previously? The sort of father that couldn't take them out of school for a week? The sort of father that took them to Portugal?

That sort?

yes, and the sort of parent who has 50:50 shared care and has remarried a women who clearly cares and considers carefully the wishes of his children.

Thank you for answering the question OP, I know it is a tricky one!

At the end of the day, only you are going to know whether you are going to feel eternally guilty for not taking them - you mentioned you felt bad going to Florida without them.

The children not going with you means you still have the money towards your house deposit, which is something that they are going to benefit from (closer to friends etc?).

I would highly recommend speaking to your DH about it before he puts his foot in it further… if he continues to say about the possibility of them going then it's only going to upset them more if you choose to go without them.

It still may be the case though that they feel left behind.. I am not them so can't say whether they will… Perhaps it would be worth arranging a week with them to do a load of great things that would make it up to them if they do feel hurt? Doesn't have to be expensive things, but just things they love to do. On the flip side though, they may not mind! :)

I think you should go without your stepdaughters. Advice would be the same even if they were your own children. You are going to visit your dad after all.

I have stepparents. Both my parents went away on holiday with their new partners without me and my siblings from when I was 13 onwards. I didn't miss out as we had family holidays. You aren't being unreasonable in wanting to visit your dad. Your DH should not have mentioned to his DDs the trip was on the cards until it was set in stone.

What is it on MN if you admit to going to Florida without a child that seems to annoy people so much?

Florida is so much more than Disney. The last time I went with DP we didn't go near any of the Disney parks and had a whale of a time.

Picking holes over the fact the OP and her DP (at the time) went to Florida without his children is not what the OP asked if she was being unreasonable about.

So, you had one, just one, holiday 2 or 3 years ago with your then boyfriend, without his DC. You would have gone somewhere nearer to home but a cheap deal to Florida fell in your laps. Sounds reasonable enough to me, that a dating couple who were not married or living together might take one holiday without his kids.

You then went on honeymoon without his DCs. Honeymoon FFS! Nothing unreasonable there.

You now want to visit your DF, who happens to live in SF, doesn't really have room for DSDs, and has offered to pay your (& DH's) fares. If you take DSD it will cost a fortune and will put back your buying a larger place for your DSDs.

You have welcomed DSDs into your own home (which was all yours before the marriage) with open arms and you holiday with them abroad at least once a year.

OP, I think you are absolutely lovely to think so much of your DSDs and agonise over it. I agree with those who say go, and think of it (and talk of it) as a family visit, rather than a holiday.

I also think you're not considering your DF enough in this - can you imagine his AIBU on this? "I invited my daughter and her DH to visit and to pay their air fare, because I know they are saving for a bigger house for their DCs. They informed me they would only come if DC came too. We didn't really have room for them so they took over my living room while they were here and my wife and I felt edged out of our own home. I didn't get to see much of them because they went out on child-friendly activities every day and then took themselves off to a hotel for the second half of their stay. They came at the most expensive time (school holidays) so the flights cost double what I had expected. I wanted to spend time with my daughter and getting to know her husband but this didn't happen as they were fussing over the children the whole time."

You are absolutely right that you need to talk this through with your DH so that he understands all the implications - not just financial - and you can then explain whatever you decide to the girls - and to you DF.

I've been on 4 childless holidays (and mine are considerably younger and biological ), they stay with a loving grandma and have a fabulous time and we take them away on our return. My parents went away without me and I look forward to the day my DC abandon their children on my doorstep.

There are some ridiculous comments on this thread.

OP - go and see your dad.

Good grief.

As a step mother who who has a great relationship with DSD and has holidays with her, without her and with or without my own DC, I say just go OP.

They have 2 parents and get to go on holiday with you every year. You obviously love them and sound like you are are doing a great job. You are perfectly entitled to spend time with your DF and DH alone and it doesn't make you selfish.

You and your DH also need some time alone and your relationship with your DF is important.

Go, have a great time and don't feel guilty.

Parents are selfish for holidaying without their kids?

Fuck off.

My Mum and Dad used to take us away 3/4 times a year. We also each used to get holidays on our own with school or friends etc. I hardly think they were selfish for going away for 1/2 holidays without us while were at home attending school as normal.

What a small minded point of view.

Did you talk to DH op?

Bloody hell, I had no idea it was an MN thing that adults weren't allowed to holiday (actually, visit family abroad) without children. Absolutely barking mad! And the idea that Florida somehow belongs exclusively to children is even crazier

OP, go with your DH and leave the girls at home. It doesn't sound like your DF will particularly thank you for making a family holiday out of his invitation.

^Parents are selfish for holidaying without their kids?

Fuck off.^

Spot on. For once I cannot think of a single thing to add.

Op, you asked how to make amazing trip with DSD.

We did 3 weeks hols in SF area Easter before last. We moved around every 4 days.
DDs were 11 and 9 at the time. They had an amazing time, but we planned all activities with them in mind. And we spent a lot of money, but it was a special holiday, so we were not on a budget.

Is your DF in SF or in Bay Area? Does he have a pool? Would you rent a car or can you manage with public transport? (We didn't hire car until leaving SF, parking too difficult and public transport is great.)

We did 4 days in SF. Full day in Fishermans Wharf, incl boat trip on the bay. Another full day in Discovery Science Museum. Those were huge hit. A morning sight seeing, which kids got fed up of after a while, and a day pottering around Union square. I would have loved to do more museums. We ran out of time, and DDs not hugely interested in museums. We could have easily spent longer in SF, there is loads to do.

We also did 4 days in a Bay Area, incl trip to great America. We spent 4 days in Tahoe, end of season skiing, which was fab but expensive. And 8 days between 2 friends in two special locations.

So yes, you could make it a very special holiday for all of you. However, your DSDs would need to be generally very well behaved! Especially if staying with your dad. And be open to doing things that you and DH want to do, not just what they want to do.
If you all go, there is always option for sending DH off for the day with DSDs, and you doing something separate with your dad.

But holiday without children gives you even more options. Fabulous place for romantic holiday!
If that's what you choose, present it as a trip to see your dad, and downplay the holiday aspect. If you have already done two trips without DSD, at least there is precedence for it, and probably won't be a shock for them.

Also, Easter is a good time to visit. Flights are cheaper. We also used Avios to fund our flights... We took DDs out of school three days before end of term, and were 2 days into new term when we arrived back.
BUT--you are unlikely to sunbath or swim at this time of year though.

Haven't spoken to him yet, I think I will do it at the weekend.
MoTG2 - thanks a lot, that's really good info!

Will report back, as soon as I have an update.

PS It's not San Francisco exactly, it's a place called "Davis", about 70 miles away. Nearer Sacramento actually.

I can only imagine the mental scarring it will cause if they miss out on staying with extremely old people in a US town called Davis near to Sacramento. It is possible they'll never recover.

Take your DH and go OP. Have a super time.

I keep coming back to this to read the updates.

Truly - this trip is just for you and DH. If he has issue with that then go alone and spend time with your DF.

fwiw I used to spend every summer with my DF in California as a child - which sounds exciting, but it really wasn't. He lived in a town about an hour away from San Fran - which was exciting to visit. But most days we didn't do or see many touristy things.