To think this is not fucking on

[SureY]

Will try to keep short
DH of 8 years having affair with a colleague- no sex (he says) but dates and kissing after they became very close while working late and working away. Yep, all the cliches.

Confessed after I found texts, begged for another chance, will do anything etc etc. no contact with o/w, will change departments or move company if not possible

Today I look at his phone again and this same colleague has emailed him a non work related message - nothing dodgy without the history but along the lines of 'I'm over at the xx office - they have a coffee machine, with real coffee!' And he has replied 'wow- I would never have thought it' or some such shite

I'm fucked off as this is not a necessary conversation, she didn't need to send it (as per my request they agreed to only have necessary, work related contact) and he did not need to reply. In fact, in my mind he should have not replied or replied saying 'only work emails please'

We are on day one of our holiday with DS and I have just found it and confronted him. Apparently I am overreacting and we will have no marriage if I don't chill out, and I am spoiling the holiday. I'm not being U am I?

I'm sure the OP is quite capable of making her own mind up as to how she wants this to proceed - and since her H has now said he wants out of the marriage too, then it's fairly clearcut.

i don't think the text was all that innocent, i suspect it was an opening for non work related contact to gauge the tone of his reaction or just to make contact again. But regardless the OP's H has not respected her (very reasonable IMHO) boundaries and has shown he is completely insensitive to her feelings, if anyone has done a swift turn around here it's him. i think he thought he was home and dry and is now taking the defensive stance.

and as for him not "allowing" a divorce?! he clearly doesn't realise there is not much he can do about it.

OP i'm afraid i agree that you should have this thread deleted and repost elsewhere, the opinions here are not going to help your H see sense and any advice or support will be undermined by him, as if he were listening in to your personal conversations.

good luck, i hope to see you accessing support somewhere on mumsnet.

Frontier, you are being rather disrespectful and patronising to op

Are you implying she has no will of her own ?

I think you need to understand that by the time some people post here the situation they are facing is already pretty dire

I think it's not a case of a load of strangers causing a massive U-turn in OP's mind. Often people post on here when they know what they want to do and they've figured out the situation, but they just need the final reassurance that they're not being unreasonable. Deep down I'm sure OP has been unhappy for a long time, this exchange between DH and OW was the final straw, and she wanted to run it past some strangers because she's so worn down by it she's lost confidence in her own judgement.

Exactly !

but that is the only thing that's changed since op was wanting to give things another go - it's not at all. He has directly gone back on his word to have no contact with OW by replying to the text. He has then, instead of apologising, reassuring etc, etc, OP, he has gone on to deny that he ever said he would cut contact, and to tell OP that she is the one causing problems with the marriage and spoiling the holiday. He's also said he wants out of the marriage.

FWIW, I do sometimes think that sometimes people rush in to say LTB on this forum, however, I don't think that this is one of those occasions.

So sorry you're in this situation OP. I only have a v basic knowledge of the reasons for allowing divorce (not my area) but you have to prove he committed adultery (unless he admits it, which sounds unlikely), he would have to prove your unreasonable behaviour. Get thee to a solicitor, but in the meantime there is a government website which explains the reasons for divorce.

How on earth is a comment about coffee provocative?? How do you know it's the start of a conversation? How do you know that it isn't an e-mail that was sent to a load of other people?

Bottom line is you are all guessing someone else's motives.

There should have been no email about anything, never mind coffee. He should have been concentrating on putting things right with his family, not having cosy chats with the OW.

Zee you are obviously deliberately trying to shit stir as I assume you've read at least some of the thread? As in, the OP's H has had an affair with this woman, he's admitted kissing and dating her... so OK in your ultra fashionable marriage that may be would be OK but in the usual every day marriage that shit is NOT acceptable.

Therefore having any contact with the OW, regardless if it's about fucking coffee or toe jam, is really really unacceptable. Can you not at least agree that?

Zee it's not really about the email the OW sent to the OP's H is it? So the content is not relevant. It's about his response to it, both to the OW, and to his DW. Him minimising, denying, gaslighting, blaming. How can you not understand that? Or are you OP's H?

It may not be the start of a conversation. He may never have told OW he was going no contact aside from work and this could just be the latest message that OP saw before he deleted the trail.

Only he and OW know and he isn't being very honest about it all is he!

Op for you. This man has no interest in saving his marriage, he just doesn't want to look bad. He's a liar and a fake. Don't ever feel you need to cover for him. Your screen shots will hopefully be proof of unreasonable behaviour so he doesn't get to say yes or no, it might just take a bit longer.

He's a knob.

And why can't some of you see that going into someone's WORK e-mail account, taking a screen shot and then writing about it on the internet is an invasion of privacy? And yes, my marriage might be untraditional in that we both respect each other's privacy but it's latest nearly 25 years, so I guess we are doing something right.

zeezeek I agree that it's an invason of privacy.

The more important question is whether it was justified. And I think in the circumstances, when a spouse has had an affair and promised to cut all contact, it is justified.

And, the husband's behaviour since, minimising, shifting blame, telling the OP that it is all her fault that the marriage is in trouble just confirms tha fact that she had every reason to doubt his sincerity.

Do you think it would have been better for the OP not to look? Not to know that the husband who begged for a second chance and promised to do anything to fix things, didn't actually mean he would do the most obvious and necessary thing? Don't you think it's important that she knows that he is putting the other person ahead of his marriage?

If your marriage has lasted nearly 25 years, then I assume you know how important is is to trust one another, and to believe that the other is making the relationship a priority. When you have reason to think the person you married isn't doing that, then 'privacy' is not at the top of the list of what's important.

Then I guess we have a different opinion on what is important in a marriage.

If I was her OH, however, right now I would be making sure that I had copies of all the messages on this thread ready to use in a divorce court to show that my wife was acting irrationally, invading my privacy, accessing an account that could well compromise my employer's security (because btw it is a disciplinary matter for a lot of employers if a non-employee accesses an employee's e-mail account).

Just think, for a moment, of the consequences of this, in a bitter divorce - especially if he is as bad as everyone says he is (because, of course you all know his side of the story!).

Way to go Zee. That last post was really clever, knowing OP's cheating H could be reading.

And because he could be reading - it is highly damaging and inappropriate for people who know nothing of the situation to keep making inflammatory comments about their marriage.

What would it matter, in court or otherwise, what complete strangers had speculated about the marriage? NO judge would pay it any attention, surely?

OP, do name change and post in Relationships if you think it would be helpful.

Maybe it won't. But why give them ammunition?

the OP clearly isn't being irrational becasue he has had an affair, acting irrational would involve more extreme behaviour with no basis for suspicion. any mud slinging on m'snet would probably not make much difference in a divorce court because this isn't Judge Judy, it's the facts that count; the fact is the OP's H had an affair he has admitted it and she has proof. i believe this is grounds for a divorce.

Also of course the whole coffee thing was an attempt to start a conversation, that's why people contact each other FFS to have some sort of exchange. whether it was an innocent exchange or not is irrelavent, the OP H's response is what's important - not sticking to the no unrelated work contact which he initially agreed to and minimising and belittling the OP's feelings. these are not the actions of someone who wants to support their wife and save their marriage.

zee you are not helping

in fact, you are scarily intent on defending and helping this guy

what is your connection here ?

what a load of bollocks about using this thread against her. how would he prove his wife is the OP anyway and it's not written by another hurt woman?

OP this man has only served to prove that maintaining good relations with the OW is more important that maintaining good relations with you. you will always know your feelings came last. horrible way to live - I really feel for you.