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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not fucking on

232 replies

SureY · 18/08/2014 14:20

Will try to keep short
DH of 8 years having affair with a colleague- no sex (he says) but dates and kissing after they became very close while working late and working away. Yep, all the cliches.

Confessed after I found texts, begged for another chance, will do anything etc etc. no contact with o/w, will change departments or move company if not possible

Today I look at his phone again and this same colleague has emailed him a non work related message - nothing dodgy without the history but along the lines of 'I'm over at the xx office - they have a coffee machine, with real coffee!' And he has replied 'wow- I would never have thought it' or some such shite

I'm fucked off as this is not a necessary conversation, she didn't need to send it (as per my request they agreed to only have necessary, work related contact) and he did not need to reply. In fact, in my mind he should have not replied or replied saying 'only work emails please'

We are on day one of our holiday with DS and I have just found it and confronted him. Apparently I am overreacting and we will have no marriage if I don't chill out, and I am spoiling the holiday. I'm not being U am I?

OP posts:
AgathaF · 18/08/2014 21:18

If you think that you have enough to prove adultery, then I think him not agreeing to it is irrelevant. Same with divorcing for behaviour? Apologies if I'm wrong about that.

Itsfab · 18/08/2014 21:33

Wrong decision to let him see this thread. He can use it against you. Get it deleted and name change. Sadly there are loads of cheating twats so he won't know it is you even if he spends all day reading.

Op STBEH - grow up and stop being a dick.

Original poster
SureY · 18/08/2014 21:37

Excuse my naïveté but what is wrong with him seeing this thread?

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 18/08/2014 21:37

If he has had an affair and you have proof, can't you divorce him for adultery without his consent? I know nothing about divorce law mind you

His tune's changed quickly from 'I want out of this marriage too' to 'I won't let you divorce me'.

YouTheCat · 18/08/2014 21:40

He's changed his tune because he has now realised you're entitled to half, plus maintenance and probably the house until your ds is 18.

I'd agree about getting this thread deleted and starting a new one under a new name. It'll give you somewhere for advice without the chance of the idiot you married being able to read it and know it's you.

expatinscotland · 18/08/2014 21:41

This man is a wank sock.

This is also 2014, and you can divorce his cheating arse whether he likes it or not.

zeezeek · 18/08/2014 21:43

Do you really want him to bring it up in court that you canvassed for support and advice on an internet forum and then, seemingly took the advice of the majority? I'm not saying that's what you did, but that's how it will be twisted.

ohfourfoxache · 18/08/2014 21:44

SureY you could ask mnhq to move this to a different area x

Itsfab · 18/08/2014 21:47

Do you really want him reading your thoughts and seeing what your plans are?

You are naïve if you think he will read this and not use it against you.

clam · 18/08/2014 21:58

He can twist it all he likes, but the OP does not need his permission, or even his opinion, on what she does from now on. He lost that right when he started shagging his work colleague.

AnyFucker · 18/08/2014 22:02

OP, zee is right about one thing. Him seeing this thread was a big mistake. No matter though, get it deleted and start another one under a different (pm some of us if you wish to let us know) and we can get on with business without that too (and zee) sticking their fucking great hooters in

AnyFucker · 18/08/2014 22:02

that tool

Jux · 18/08/2014 22:09

I'm not sure that moving the thread helps much, but I can't remember exactly how that works - HQ came onto a thread a year or so ago and explained it.

OP, you're really better off starting a new thread in the other place and them PMing people from here to let them know what your new name is and the title of the thread.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and that your h is being so cruel.

Toughasoldboots · 18/08/2014 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumminio · 19/08/2014 06:08

Just saw that he also wants to divorce. Please act quickly, be sure that he will be lining up his ducks in the same way that you hopefully are.

Best of luck with getting out of this awful relationship.

Thumbwitch · 19/08/2014 06:27

I do agree that you need to remove this thread, namechange and start a new one. Because now he knows it exists, he knows about MN and he knows your user name - this limits the usefulness of any advice we can give you now because he can read it too and remain one step ahead of you.

So please, report your own OP and ask for it to be deleted on the grounds that you have compromised your own security - and start again with a new name, one that doesn't look remotely like the one you currently have, so he can't trace you.

Also set up your internet usage so that all your stuff is password protected, and your internet browsing history is deleted after use - make sure that you never leave it unattended - he knows you've been here now and he will start checking up on you.

Frontier · 19/08/2014 07:04

Is no-one here uncomfortable with the fact that, in the space if a few hours, op has gone from wanting ti get marriage back on track to contacting divorce lawyers? All as a result of a fairly innocuous text, from someone who didn't know dh was on holiday, so can't be in regular contact with him and the advice of a bunch of people who know hardly anything about her or her situation.

It may turn out to be good advice but no-one here has enough info to know that with the certainty they purport to.

Thumbwitch · 19/08/2014 07:18

Not really, Frontier, no.

We're not twisting the OP's arm in any way, just giving her advice based on what she's told us and what her follow-up posts say.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 19/08/2014 07:20

frontier

No, I'm not at all uncomfortable.

The OP's husband was having an affair & got caught, then begged for forgiveness - promised not to be in touch with the OW, then got caught texting with the OW & has refused to cease contact with her.

The OP states he's a pathalogical liar.

The OP has decided he can't be trusted and is leaving him - especially after he has blamed her for the affair and told her she needs to 'focus on the relationship'Hmm

How much more do you think she should tolerate in her relationship before she's 'allowed' to leave? Hmm

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:12

I think you've misunderstood Frontier this isn't about receiving a work text whilst on holiday.

Altinkum · 19/08/2014 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frontier · 19/08/2014 08:25

Of course

Frontier · 19/08/2014 08:31

Of course it's not vivacia, but that is the only thing that's changed since op was wanting to give things another go. If course she's "allowed" to do whatever she thinks is right for her. A few hours ago that was to stay, the only difference now is a pretty harmless text exchange which he didnt start or encourage and the involvement of a bunch of anonymous people who really have very little info.

As I said, may well be good advice but none of us are in any position to be so certain of that.

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:36

but that is the only thing that's changed since op was wanting to give things another go.

I think it represents a lot though. It represents that he hasn't decided to give things another go. And it got worse. He refused to break contact with the other woman. He then starts gas-lighting and telling the OP that she needs to suck it up. He shows his true colours.

A provocative text exchange is not the only difference.

Frontier · 19/08/2014 08:40

Yes, I agree that's how it seems but it still makes me uncomfortable that a load of anonymous strangers are having such a profound impact on op's life