To ask - what is the latest you would leave it?

[owlscatsandcakes]

I really, really want a baby but I am single.

Obviously I want to meet someone to marry and have a family with but I am prepared to go for it alone if not . But this is as a last resort rather than a first choice.

So what I am wondering is what age should I effectively say - okay, no man coming along, let's just go for it?

:)

This thread is a reflection of a conversation I had with my friend last week. We had spent the day at our friend's wedding and got onto discussing babies. My friend is set to get married this year, her partner is a number of years older and has one child and didn't want anymore. My friend has always been what will be will be but has found that with her 35th birthday approaching she's feeling her biological clock ticking, but her partner had a vasectomy years ago so their route won't be straight forward.
I'm single, heading for 31 in a few weeks and have always had 35 as a cut off for trying in my head - with or without a partner (has been my plan since turning 27). But the closer I'm getting to 35 the more I'm thinking of bringing it forward. My friend was encouraging me to just go for it, but I have that longing to give the traditional route, meeting someone, falling in love, having a baby. But I'm not sure it will happen.
I haven't added anything to this conversation but I appreciate your thinking on this OP. It's so difficult. But it's when do you say yes, this is it, I'm doing it alone? :(

One thing I would say is that the miscarriage rates increase at age 38 & above.

Pacific: I have a very lovely 40 year old sister in Glasgow who is single.....

I shall match-make yet!

Re MC rates: again statistically, you are right.
Anecdotally not necessarily: my 4 MC were first, then I had 4 DCs (so was of course older)

There are always risks; for us the risks were worth taking. I can fully understand why somebody else would decide otherwise.

I would give it to age 35. Then do ivf with donor sperm. Remember even ivf will not guarantee you a pregnancy! I've had four cycles in early 30s only one was successful. Good luck!

I think we have established that I may not get pregnant at all, ever! Blimey ...

Completely honest answer from someone having exactly the same thoughts as you a few years back: at 34/35 thought "yes definitely want kids, better start looking for a suitable candidate quick smart", at 36 (& with suitable candidate - fully knowing my intent, btw - within grasp) thought "eek, it's now proper ticking! Better crack on", had miscarriage at 37 but then conceived again a few months later, had dd at 38... Now 18wks into 2nd pregnancy (39, staring 40 v.closely in the face!). So that was me.... :) a few years yet for you! Good luck! :)

I don't understand why people are advising IVF with donor sperm. Surely straightforward insemination with donor sperm would be easier and cheaper?

Because I'm clearly infertile

Sorry, that was rude.

But I have had one warning too many I think! :)

Hopefully these will give you hope (if the blinking links work!)!
time.com/95315/women-keep-having-kids-later-and-later/ and
www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/06/29/the-crumbling-post-35-pregnancy-myth.html

Thanks silver. All the very best for your pregnancy

Well I still think you're young OP. I'm married, only slightly younger than you, and not ready for a baby yet. There are some real voices of doom on this thread.

Well my anecdote, for what is worth, is three pregnancies, aged 38, 40 and 40, all conceived first time. Second one I sadly lost, but other two babies were born healthy at term. Only complications were due to my underlying health conditions. I would agree with those saying give it a couple of years.

I was you several years ago OP. I did what several people have recommended, when I hit 35 I went all-out to find a partner while being prepared to go it alone if necessary. I was lucky to meet DP within the year of frenetic internet dating and he was open to kids immediately. I thought I'd be fine fertility-wise as my mother and sister had "oops" babies at 38 and 40 but when we started TTCing at 37 it quickly became apparent I'd need help. We did go on to have successful fertility treatment but DS will probably be an only child, which is a shame.

Anyway, my advice would be to throw yourself in to finding a partner for a couple of years, then go for it when you're 35-36.

I don't think anyone said you were infertile OP. I mentioned ivf as it has a better success rate than insemination. The point I was making was that ivf carries no guarantees.

I'm sure you'll be fine, meet a man and have a baby, some of us do struggle though, I was shocked to be told I was infertile at 29, there's no need to be eye roll and be unkind.

Dolphins - I did apologise for that statement but I do feel that particular pudding was over-egged a bit if I'm honest.

I conceded early on there were no guarantees but still the doom laden warnings about how I might never have a child no matter what kept coming in and it was getting a little upsetting, and making me feel anxious and unhappy.

owl, you did start the thread.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that a fair few people are telling you things because they've had sad experiences, and you seem determined to keep repeating you know all of this. Ok, fine - so why did you ask?

I really don't mean this in a horrible way, I just think you're being a bit impatient and seem to think you're snapping under provocation, when actually you are being a bit insensitive.

I used my back up plan at 31, had ds at 32.
Now happy single parent to a very happy 2 year old.

At 33/34 I was single with not a man in sight.

Met DH at 36, engaged at 37, first baby 38, second baby 39...4 days before the big 4.0.

I'm delighted I didn't panic at 33 ish and rush to the sperm bank. I also couldn't see a future without children but now having got children, I'm pleased it's with a man I love. Parenting is hard. Beyond hard at times. The thought of doing this on my own just would not be the same.

At your age I focused on me. New hobbies, new ways to have fun. That's how I met DH. Not by going out looking for a man, but by concentrating on me. I know it's all very cliche but seriously, that's how it happened!

Good luck! IMO you've got loads of time yet so no need to panic just yet

LRD, I do know what you mean - I'm not being deliberately impatient :)

But ... I do think some of the responses are a little veering towards being needlessly negative and pessimistic. After all, it would be totally different if I had a history of early menopause or a medical condition but as I don't and have provided information, not to blithely say 'I'll have no problems then' but to contextualise matters, it's just got a little upsetting to have pages of people telling me I must start next month at the latest because I'll never conceive.

It's also VERY much at odds with a thread I read a while back where the OP was nearly 40 and single and didn't want to have a baby as a single mum. She had many posters telling her she'd got at least 3 years! :)

Not all children survive but we don't tell every euphoric new mum 'hey by the way my friends baby died of SIDS.' You might, if she had said she was indulging in high risk behaviour such as co sleeping and drinking alcohol, but otherwise you'd assume things would be okay.

I suppose that's what I'm asking - on the assumption all is okay fertility wise, how late would you leave it? But the threads been diverted by everyone insisting I'll struggle.

And thank you :) for the responses that appeared as I was typing.

I do see where you're coming from. And I know you're not just shrugging things off for the sake of it.

It's just that by the nature of things, people who're responding are the ones who know that things don't always go the way you expect.

I don't think it is comparable to telling a new mum that someone else's baby died, not at all.

I guess if what you mean is 'how old would be the oldest you'd like to be a mother' (if you see what I mean?) I reckon personally I wouldn't want to be much over 40, more to do with wanting a vague chance of meeting my own grandchildren than anything else.

Is that the sort of answer you'd been thinking of getting?

Yes, I suppose so :)

It's quite a hard line to cross - as on the one hand, I want to give myself as much time as possible to meet someone, for the sake of my children as well as me. I think I'd do a reasonably good job as a single mum but I'd love my children to have two parents to love and to love them.

But of course I don't want to leave it TOO late and be unable to conceive due to age.

I realise it's different for everybody - but I was honestly taken aback at the number of posts that were urging me to try tomorrow practically

I think what perhaps came across as impatience was anxiety and worry. It's scary being told you may well never have what you really, desperately want. But having a baby obviously isn't like buying a new bathroom as I have to consider the child as well as myself and take their feelings into account as well.

I can see that. It sounds tough.

I dunno if it helps, but I wonder if perhaps you'd know if you got to a point when you'd been waiting too long? I think some people do - when they get to thinking 'no, definitely going to do it' rather than 'I'll think about it some more'.

Anyway, probably rambling so I will just say good luck.

Like Fairy I was single at 36 and thinking nothing was doing, and had kind of got used to the idea...but met DP at 37, and decided to ttc at 40. After one MC had DD at 42 and now she is 5! (Yikes how did that happen?!). Split up with DP when she was 2, but no regrets at all, tough and all it was at the time.

Now dating again, and am strangely finding that easier as a single mum (well co-parent really) but that's a whole different thread . I suppose my tuppence worth is that you just can't plan any of these things. Good luck Owl on the journey.