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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask - what is the latest you would leave it?

160 replies

owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 07:23

I really, really want a baby but I am single.

Obviously I want to meet someone to marry and have a family with but I am prepared to go for it alone if not . But this is as a last resort rather than a first choice.

So what I am wondering is what age should I effectively say - okay, no man coming along, let's just go for it?

:)

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 18/08/2014 09:13

I was in your position. Gave myself 'til 35 before I went to LWC for IUI with donor sperm.

I met DP a week before my 35th birthday :o And no I didn't settle. I adore him, and think he's gorgeous and I was incredibly lucky. Two yrs later and we've been ttc for six months.

If I am honest I wish I had gone it alone at thirty. Had a baby and took the pressure off myself re children. I feel massively under pressure now.

My advice would be to go for it now. I don't think you'd regret it. And then you have the rest of your life to meet someone.

AdamLambsbreath · 18/08/2014 09:14

Bonkers, the stats on fertility that say 35 is a cutoff are dodgy.

I posted upthread with a link to the modern NICE data which says there's no dropoff at 35.

MargaretRiver · 18/08/2014 09:15

The anecdotes about successful late pregnancies are great, but have to be counterbalances by anecdotes about unexpected early menopause

It's great that your Mum conceived at 35, but remember half your genes come from your Dad's side

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 09:16

patience that's a lovely story. I have to admit though I would tend to feel the opposite of you - I would prefer to be struggling with a partner than alone.

Having a baby alone is hugely expensive and I have no family to support me either. Also I had a great relationship with my dad - I'd hope to meet a man like him to give a child a lovely Daddy.

If I can't do that I'd rather have a child alone but morally in my own mind I can't just 'go for it' - I'd have to know I've exhausted all other possible options!

OP posts:
Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 09:18

You know everyone can I just say very gently and politely that I'm aware of conception stats and I know the older I get the smaller my chances are.

You don't all need to keep saying it :)

I am trying to think of the best thing to do for everyone - including myself.

OP posts:
TwinkleDust · 18/08/2014 09:22

Fertility is weird though. It took me 2 years ttc one child at the age of 26yrs. And then conceived another at 39yrs in a one-off 'oops'.

AdamLambsbreath · 18/08/2014 09:24

I think you might need to get used to seeing the 'stats' trotted out, owls, owing to people not RTFT.

I'll stop correcting them though, to minimise the boring repetition Smile

patienceisvirtuous · 18/08/2014 09:25

Oops didn't mean to post twice. Daft phone!

I know what u mean. Much preferable to be with a partner. I suppose I just wish I had a child already and was trying with DP too. It's hard, longing for a child.

I got pregnant v quickly btw. But miscarried. Maybe because I am older. Maybe not.

I wish you luck. It is certainly possible for things to work out for you. DP came out of nowhere. (I met him while out having drinks with a friend and was certainly not thinking about meeting anyone that night :) And if not, you have plan B. It's all you can do, try your best to achieve your dreams x

PecanNut · 18/08/2014 09:26

OP should definitely have a baby with Pacific's friend... that would be a 'happy ending' to this thread.

Good luck OP, you sound sensible and I hope you find a great guy to be with.

If not, my vote is 38 in answer to your original question.

RedToothBrush · 18/08/2014 09:28

Honestly the 35 year old thing spooked me. Then I read up on it. And the statistics are different to the hysteria. Your fertility does reduce, but not at the rate that the media and doctors would have you believe.

I think the bigger question is are you ready? How much longer do you feel you could wait? Ignore the practicalities of it.

bonkersLFDT20 · 18/08/2014 09:28

Thanks Adam, that's really interesting.

AdamLambsbreath · 18/08/2014 09:30

Thanks bonkers.

I couldn't believe it when I heard what the old recommendations were based on.

BeginnerSAHM · 18/08/2014 09:30

Hello - I just don't think you know until you try. My SIL got pregnant in her early 20s and had a termination. She's now 40 and had IVF twice (after trying naturally for ages) which hasn't worked - really sad. My side of the family have quite a history of women having a lot of children and getting pregnant easily - even in their 40s. I am currently pregnant with my third, first time trying aged 39.... BUT my sister took a couple of years to get pregnant (started trying at 30) and then had ivf trying for number 2 (before she finally got pregnant naturally). I don't think you can infer much from being able to get pregnant when you were younger or from your mother having you at 36 - sorry... It's totally individual and down to 'luck' to some extent so no amount of anecdotal evidence on here will give you a good idea of when to go for it.

Having said that, like you, I would have had a baby on my own if I hadn't met the right person. So, personally, I would have done that at 34/35ish - I think. Good luck - hope you meet somebody soon and it happens easily for you.

londonrach · 18/08/2014 09:31

My dh cousin unexpected got pregnant first time at 43! She was even ttc with her husband as they decided not to have children years ago. Their dd is their love of their life....

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 09:33

Thank you :)

Unfortunately Pacific's friend is miles away from me - I'm in the SE :)

Do I feel ready - yes and no , I'm ready to have a baby but I'm not really ready to sacrifice my dream of having one in a committed relationship if that makes sense. If I was married I'd probably have had DC1 2011/12 and child 2 round about now. With the disclaimer that that might not have happened.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 18/08/2014 09:37

I remember turning 34 and really hating it. I was single and child free and that wasn't where I wanted to be in my mid-30s. So I started internet dating (it was still in it's infancy, when men didn't send you cock photos as an introduction) and specifically chose to date men who actively wanted children or were at least open to the idea.

I met DH a few months later, became pregnant within a year and less than 4 years after our first date, we were married with two DCs. IMO, you should actively look for somebody now, then if it hasn't happened by the time you're 36, start the sperm donor route. Just out of interest, how would you do it? Do you know somebody who would be willing to be a sperm donor and perhaps play a role in your child's life? Would you be able to use an anonymous donor? I've heard that since the 'right to know your father' laws came in, they're a bit thin on the ground, but could be wrong. But the very best of luck, whatever you choose to do Thanks.

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 09:43

There are less of them but from what I was told at the open morning there are still plenty. Many get trend away because their sperm isn't strong enough (bet the men who do 'pass' are Grin)

Or you can of course go abroad and still keep within UK guidelines/laws - e.g. have a non/ anonymous donor.
Or have sperm shipped in. There are loads of options .

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 18/08/2014 09:46

My personal cut off was 30. I decided in my early 20s that I wanted children, and before 35, so my 'plan' was if I was still single by 30 (which I entirely expected to be the case), I would do ivf etc. I don't have any living family but I did at the time have a very good job, so I knew financially I'd manage.

As it turned out, I got pregnant at 25 (accidentally), was a single mum for 2 years as father never on the scene, and then met someone else and had second baby at 28. That didn't last either, I am now a single parent to 2 teens.

I do think being mid30s and childless (but wanting children) can put huge pressure on a relationship, I have seen as much with friends, after only a few months they are already trying to move in together, discussing engagements/weddings (especially those who want to be married before they ttc) rather than the relationship evolving at it's own pace.

Surfsup1 · 18/08/2014 10:00

You can have the health of your eggs tested - might be worth knowing so that you can make a more informed decision?

SweetsForMySweet · 18/08/2014 10:00

Medically, female eggs quality start to change from about age 35 onwards and are changing at a faster pace by the age of 38, that being said lots of women go on to have healthy babies in their late 30's and early 40's.
I would really say it depends on how many children you want to have, again medically, it is advised to leave at least 18 months between pregnancies so your body has time to heal but lots of women go on to have their children in a shorter space of time and do fine so there are no set rules.
Pregnancy is tough either way but you would need a good support network especially if you plan to do it alone. Menatally, physically, emotionally, financially it will take it's toll no matter how much you want children.
Freezing your eggs is an option but find out the complete cost first such as how much storage and implantation and treatment is going to cost in total before you commit to it. Age wise you could wait until your 40's if your eggs are frozen but check clinic guidelines just in case.
The lastest age I would consider pregnancy personally would be 39 but that is my personal opinion, that may change in time. I am pregnant at the moment (in my mid 30's) and so far I have been very sick and fatigued so that may have some influence on my answer at the moment.
Good luck on your journey eitherway, parenthood is tough but wonderful. Smile

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 10:05

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

I don't have a support network so this is another reason that going it alone would be an absolute final decision if you see what I mean - once there was absolutely no other option.

The pregnancy I had as a teenager was terminated at 7 weeks (it was sexual assault by the way, I wasn't reckless!) and that was utterly horrific in terms of nausea and exhaustion so maybe it's just an individual thing? I am very prone to vomiting anyway.

OP posts:
MyBaby1day · 18/08/2014 10:06

Adoption?

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 10:09

I'd never get through the criteria and I want a baby really.
Not permanently but the early years are important to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 10:10

Obviously not permanently! Grin

I mean, I'm not having a child because I think 'aw babies are cute' - but having a baby and seeing them grow to a toddler and child is very important to me.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 18/08/2014 10:15

I fell pregnant with DS using a donor when I was 35. I don't regret my choice at all, I can make all the decisions regarding DS without the hassles of a relationship potentially going wrong and then dealing with an absent father and custody issues. I would still like to be in a relationship, but I can now just wait for the real Mr Right, instead of Mr Right Now to come along. I never really wanted more than one child, so there is no more pressure about needing to have another child, and I can just live my life and raise my DS. If he comes along, then that is great, if not, I haven't missed my chance at parenthood.