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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask - what is the latest you would leave it?

160 replies

owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 07:23

I really, really want a baby but I am single.

Obviously I want to meet someone to marry and have a family with but I am prepared to go for it alone if not . But this is as a last resort rather than a first choice.

So what I am wondering is what age should I effectively say - okay, no man coming along, let's just go for it?

:)

OP posts:
BabyGoose · 18/08/2014 10:15

Loads of my friends have been in similar situations. My advice would be to try to prioritise finding a partner for a couple of years, but have a back up plan up have a child at 36ish.
Have fun, don't put your life in hold looking for the perfect partner but do make a decent effort! Good luck whatever you decide. From your posts you sound like you'd be a lovely mum.

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 10:22

Thanks baby goose :) I think your thoughts are pretty much what I've decided. If I give it 2 years I would conceive at 35 and have the child at 36 :)

OP posts:
AmberLav · 18/08/2014 10:33

My sister has a friend who froze her eggs in her early 30s, and now at 40 has her first child, and is planning on cracking on with her second asap. She is secure in her career now, but so far has not met a man that she could see having a family with. Her deadline is the cut-off for IVF, and she will have her little family sorted by then. I think my sister is a bit jealous as she is now 42, and can't ever see having a family.

But then my boss's wife's best friend got pregnant naturally at 51, and all has been well with them! I think that is a bit unusual!

ADinnerofHerbs · 18/08/2014 10:34

I met Mr Right at 31, had my first child at 33 ann my second at 36. We wanted a third and decided we would try when I was 38. At 37, when my son was seven months old I was diagnosed with a serious illness and the treatments and surgery I have had mean I cannot have any more children. I am now 42 and lots of my friends are just having their first child now and most have been married for ten years or more. Completely their choice but as you can see, that would not have been an option for me. I say seize the day and go for it!

hellsbellsmelons · 18/08/2014 10:42

Someone I know has just gone through this.
1st attempt didn't take but 2nd one did.
She is 38 and will be 39 when baby comes along.

Frazzaboo · 18/08/2014 10:57

Finding the right man takes a lot longer than trying to conceive in my own experience. I just had a daughter at 41 with my partner who I met 4 years ago, we waited enough to know each other. The conception was very quick, much quicker than we were told/expecting. Pregnancy was very enjoyable for me, no issues and my energy levels now are higher than some of the younger new mums around me... Live an healthy lifestyle and look for the right future dad would be my advice, I am very strong but facing motherhood alone in the early days would have been an impossible task...

PollyIndia · 18/08/2014 11:23

Frazzaboo, that is your experience, but it is not universal. That is the thing about fertility, it's all so personal so all the anecdotes about oh well I did it easily at 41 are totally irrelevant when you are thinking about your own chances of conceiving.

I was never sure I wanted kids and was having far too much fun in my mid 30s to want to find Mr Right so just thought I'd leave it up to fate, by which I meant I thought I'd meet someone and do it the conventional way.

Then I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly after a 2 day fling with an ex in thailand at 36 and I now have 22 month DS. It is not an impossible task in the early days. It is hard, but motherhood is hard full stop. And I still maintain that it's easier on your own than with the wrong person.

I think the plan a PP said earlier is good - spend a few years enjoying life and actively trying to meet someone, then if you haven't, go for it. I have quite a few friends in this position now, and they all come and talk to me about it because of my situation and I always say, if I knew then what I knew now, I would have cracked on with single motherhood. I was lucky though in that there was no decision to make for me.

However, my best mate (38) is currently going through the pain of struggling to conceive. it's been 2 years and she just had a missed miscarriage after her first round of IVF worked. She could never have known she should probably have started trying to conceive 10 years ago, but it is heartbreaking all the same. Another friend (32) went to get checked out as she has had bad endemetriosis and turned out that was fine but there were other problems which means she has to start IVF right now then freeze embryos. If she had waited until 35, it would have been too late for her. I don't mean to scaremonger - as I said above, it's all so personal.

If I was you and knew I definitely wanted kids, and knowing what my friends have been through, I think I would go and get the full fertility tests done. At least then it's an educated decision.

SweetsForMySweet · 18/08/2014 12:38

Thanks Op Smile
I have very high pregnancy hormone levels so I get very unwell and fatigued during pregnancy. It is an individual thing, some are luckier than others I guess, once the baby is fine I'll get by.
If you do use a donor I think it would be important to get the donors family medical history if possible (I don't know if that is part of the process? it might be worth checking). I would put a plan in place so you are financially secure such as salary protection insurance so you don't struggle if you need time off work. IVF is cheaper in some countires than others so it might be worth looking into, just check out the legalities about guradianship/passport and citizenship for baby if you are using that option.

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 12:41

Yes, it's all something of a minefield but is actually fairly straightforward. I think the legislation around gay marriage has opened doors nicely in a way that might have been more complicated a few years ago.

As it is I have a secure job and am secure generally (mortgage paid off and a BTL property) so no issues financially. It's more emotional and physical to an extent.

OP posts:
Cheeky76890 · 18/08/2014 13:36

Yes I got pregnant in my 20's easily. Early 30's took a year, mid 30's was unable to conceive without help.

In your shoes I'd start on my 36th birthday - young enough to get help if its needed.

Cheeky76890 · 18/08/2014 13:38

Being pregnant as a teen and living a healthy life is no guarantee of fertility mid 30's.

theflyingpig · 18/08/2014 13:45

Yep, I'd say something like:

(a) freeze eggs immediately;
(b) pencil in something like 36th birthday as day to start researching clinics & so on, making practical plans [about living arrangements etc] with a view to implantation within the year.

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 13:52

There's no guarantee if I met a partner though - so I don't see that as a reason to rush into anything.

I only included that information to explain: it would be different if say early menopause ran in my family or similar.

I'm just saying I have proven fertility and that I have been checked out. I could still be infertile but it's unlikely

OP posts:
FrenchJunebug · 18/08/2014 14:03

I had mine at 43 but started trying at 40. I would thought 36 is a good age.

I don't think you need to freeze eggs though. I had plenty of good quality. What I would recommend you do though is get a fertility check up to make sure you are ovulating correctly and all is in working order.

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 14:16

I've already had that French thank you :)

OP posts:
noclevername · 18/08/2014 16:22

I may be wrong, but I had the impression that a woman tends to go through the menopause at a similar age to her biological mother. Fertility then declines 10-14 years before then perhaps ??

Myself and several good friends met their husbands through internet dating.... in their mid-thirties...

Good luck with everything.

FrenchJunebug · 18/08/2014 16:41

Great Owls. It's hard but well worth it!

PacificDogwood · 18/08/2014 16:52

Nought much to add (other than that I am disappointed that I did not turn in to a matchmaker on this thread Wink) but want to say to MrsWinnebago that we x-posted this morning. I was not replying to you in particular.
I love anecdotes as much as the next person (they kept me going when
I had to deal with recurring MCs), but they do mean nothing for ones own chances.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of that Grin

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 17:01

Yes ... I have to admit that the Internet hasn't thrown anything up for me but then again I do find it a little erm soul destroying Grin

I wish there was a forum like mumsnet for date hunters!

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 18/08/2014 17:06

I think I would focus on meeting someone for the next two years and if you're still single then, look at options

I know it's not a popular opinion on MN but I think planning to be a single parent is an absolute last resort.

LizzieMint · 18/08/2014 17:17

Do you know the age your mum went through the menopause? It could be very important to your decision as it tends to run in families.

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 17:35

I agree with you xmas - although I'll still "only" be 35 in 2 years.

Mum was about 50.

OP posts:
mumminio · 18/08/2014 18:28

I don't think a panel of strangers on the internet can answer this for you! Fertility declines every single year, but there is no magic cut-off age. Could you speak with your doctor about this? Fertility specialists might be a bit biased, but if you can find one that isn't trying to sell something, they might be able to help you figure out how fertile you are. Then you can make a decision based on that.

Then there's the non-biological aspect to consider. If you met someone tomorrow, you could be married a year later and have 3 babies together if you wanted to. This happened to several friends of mine...met partners at 35, 2 or 3 kids by 40.

It's worth remembering that if you have a baby, it will severely curtail your chances of finding someone to marry...the pregnancy, then a year or so of being exhausted, nursery/school runs and fees which cut into entertainment time/budget, then finding someone who is ok with raising someone else's child, etc. It's great but you need to be realistic. Having a baby is hard work, if you can focus on finding a partner first, which I think you still have time to do, then I would do that!

Original poster
owlscatsandcakes · 18/08/2014 18:32

Yes that's just it. I can't see myself meeting someone after having a baby to be honest - so unlikely as to be laughable.

It would be lovely to meet someone tomorrow!

The thing with my fertility - all I can say is I have no reason to think conception will be difficult. And yes - I don't know that but neither does anyone else who wants a baby and that doesn't seem like a sensible reason to rush such a hugely important decision is all I mean Flowers

OP posts:
GrapefruitILoveIt · 18/08/2014 18:33

yeh, just do it now. you sort the rest out later.