To not want to give away half my money?

[givemeareason]

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

A man would not be posting this. He would just protect his assets and say "accept it or lump it" and be prepared to walk away.

As should the OP.

So reversing the scenario is pointless. Sadly most women are a lot more soft and naive, and men are a lot better at thinking about themselves and their own interest, as Ops dp is proving.

But I am cynical and prone to stereotyping.

And, your dp is a twat. Just to add to that part of the issue.

You can get a deed of trust drawn up by your solicitor which is what my DH and I did when we bought this place.

My DF gave us £300k towards the house, my DP had no money and my DP didn't want my DP to have any of his family money if we were to split up for example. So in the event of a house purchase the first £300k is mine.

The deed cost £120 to get drawn up.

house sale rather

Hmmm.

I'm not sure I see the marriage relevance to how committed someone is, married couples break up all the time. I have been with my DP 17 years and we are unmarried because it all seems a bit unfeminist and materialistic to me. We have a young daughter and I am pregnant again.

We are buying a house and I am putting down all the deposit, a sizeable sum of £80K. This is 40K inherited from my grandparents , 20K loaned by my parents, and about 20K saved by me over recent years. All the savings are mine as I had the higher paid job.

He also supported me through med school, including moving to a different city and taking a pay cut, and paid most of the bills then while I earned nothing. After med school I was the highest earner by some distance. I had a year on maternity leave where our income was about equal, and now I work again after maternity leave. He contributes more than me at home, with both childcare and housework. I asked him to remain in his easy, unstressful, not-very-well-paid, very local job with no commute which he enjoys because I think it is the best thing for the family - him happy and unstressed (while I am very stressed and working long hours and studying for exams all the time etc), home at 5.05pm and able to be flexible around my night shifts, etc. We have both gone part time too. We have lots of family time and less money than we would have otherwise, but we live in a cheap and brilliant Northern city and are comfortable and that doesn't matter to me.

I think your DP's attitude is the biggest worry -my DP is very humble and apologetic about the situation, which I think is ridiculous as I didn't do anything in order to have well off grandparents and parents. But I suppose part of me is glad he is like that rather than entitled and assuming.

I think in the case we were to break up, I would accept it is right and correct he got half the house. He's supported me enough. And the grandparents dying and leaving me money wasn't my choice or hard work.

I can understand how you might feel different if you had earned it all.

I have to say we haven't discussed breaking up at all in relation to the mortgage. And maybe to me the fact you are both talking about it is a bit of red flag in itself. Or maybe you are just much more realistic than me.

Sorry I had only read the first couple of pages when I wrote all that which sounds like a completely irrelevant comparison now.

Dear god OP he sounds horrendous.

I wish you all the best, break ups are hard even if the person is behaving like a prize bell-end.

A greedy,grasping, blood coughing cock lodger.
Just get rid. You really don't need someone like that in your life. He can still have a relationship with your dd but you won't be left out of pocket. I think he was simply hoping for an easy ride off the back of your savings.

I marriage remember but only marriage whoever's name things are in everything is split, even if one of you has £100m and the other zero it matters not a jot. With unmarried couples it is utterly different which is why plenty of us will not marry as we don't want to jeopardise our assets.

Oh. My. God. Run away from this guy.

Not because of the money but because he sounds like an arse and you don't even seem to like him. There is more to providing a happy home than just having two parents who live there.

Get a lovely home for you and DD.

DP doesn't have any deposit at all but DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house

oh VERY clever of him!!! if he has no deposit at all then it is already an unequal partnership. he really thinks that you will be the major/only contributor and he can just take half if you split up?

he's insulting your intelligence. i'd get it all down legally so you get ALL your deposit back upon separation/divorce and he gets half of anything over that provided he's been paying his share of the mortgage costs etc. cheeky fucker!

The fact that he is thinkin of you splitting is very telling. If you're in a commited relationship it's not usually what you think about. I feel he's only using you to get your money!

Well he's covering himself with glory isn't he! All the dramatics and refusals to discuss finances like a grown adult. Ugh. Puts me right off! Then this comment sums up exactly who he is and what his attitude to you and the world is:

"I suggested he go to the doctors about coughing up blood and he said oh yeah I'm really going to tell them you've stressed me out so much you're making me ill. He's ridiculous."

I would be encouraging him to do just that, he should feel free to explain exactly what's happening I order that the doctor can treat his very real and severe symptoms... Except he knows how pathetic and manipulative and disgusting he would sound. That's what stopping him. Noone coughs up blood due to 'stress'.

I'm so glad you're not going to give away your financial security and your daughters to a man who sees you as a resource to be used and drained.

I would be backing off and seeing how he reacts. I wonder whether he would be concerned and try and sort things out, or start pulling more childish and manipulative stunts...

Good luck

How many of you and your husband's discuss with friends how much you put in to your house purchase? Do they know who paid for the bottom floor bricks and who the roof? No? I thought not. Therefore his "will be disadvantaged" actually means I don't want anyone to know I am unable to provide for my woman and my baby but I also want AMAP when we split up.

As Much As Possible[tm]

A greedy,grasping, blood coughing cock lodger.

Better to end it now than a few years down the line when you'd actually be in this imagined scenario of splitting up and him feeling entitled to half your savings. Btw I have never heard of someone saving their earnings and managing to save £200k, incredibly impressive and you are right not to let anyone try and take it off you.

If he starts coughing up blood when you tell him it's over call an ambulance.
Then change the locks.

Tell him to go right ahead and tell the GP with his "you caused me stress and now I am coughing up blood" story.... it will possibly make the GP's day... they love an amusing anecdote.

Sounds like he's ridicilously childish in his attempts to get around an adult conversation about finances, buying a house etc. Not someone I would want to be a partner with, share my life (and savings!) with and generally trust with my future happiness.

You can get a legal agreement written up.

I think he's blown it.

His attitude is a warning of how things would be.

You are right to pull the plug in this relationship.

How are you doing, OP? Did you post in relationships?

The only thing you should ask yourself is how you would feel if he were to end the relationship a week after the house is bought, and walk away with £100k of your money. If he thinks that he should be allowed to do that, then you gain a good insight into his character. If he says he would never do that, the only way to ensure that is to draw up the deed of trust.

I would consider, if I were you, having a deed of trust giving you the first x% of the proceeded of sale, the balance firstly going to pay off the mortgage, with the remainder to be divided between you. x is the proportion of the property bought with the £200k.

£200k is an awful lot of money. Say you can only afford a mortgage of £200k. Without your £200k you're having to buy a £200k property. Your £200k doesn't mean you save on the mortgage. It means that you can live in a nicer property.

Property prices usually increase over the longer term. Whilst your savings would enable you to buy a property outright today, if you share with your DP the increase in the value of your investment you won't have the same buying power. Let's assume that you buy a house for £400k and over 10 years of ownership all property prices double. You break up.

If you only get your £200k back, then half of the balance, you'll have £400k and he'll have £200k. Had you put your £200k into, say, an investment property, not only would that be worth £400k after 10 years, but you'll have been able to do something with the rental income.

If however you get the first 50% back, you'll get back £500k and he'll get back £100k. That seems much much fairer to me.

Itsfab I love your posts.

I think that if you put in a deposit of £200,000
get a mortgage of £200,000, which you pay equally

Live in a nice house for, say, 5 years which gains in equity

Split: You take your £200,000 and half the gained equity
he takes half the equity

He will have done very nicely because:

A £400,000 house will gain by a larger sum than a £100,000 house (if such a think existed, these days)
He would be getting 50% of the equity, yet only pay towards 25% of the house.
He will have lived in a much nicer house than he could afford for 5 years.

So I can't feel sorry for him. If he is coughing up blood, then he needs to go to the doctor to make sure it is not 'consumption'. If it is 'stress', he needs to sort himself out before you make too much commitment - it is not grown up behaviour.

Be careful, and protect your money. As many advised, protect by a legal act in case of split. You are right to be wary!

However, while I appreciate you get these advices, how is it that normally to this kind of situation, Mnetters say "in partnership there is no my/his money, but rather our money" ? Nothing goady, just a genuine question!!

OP I'm so glad to read your last post - I was feeling sicker and sicker all through the thread.

I'm relieved by your recent posts compared to your OP - well done! You are acting in dd's interests as well as your own. His attitude to money suggests strongly that if he got his hands on yours, there's no guarantee he would support dd.