To not want to give away half my money?

[givemeareason]

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP, what a close shave.

He's made it easy for you now, hasn't he. It's ridiculous how he tries to manipulate you. He's such a hero for not telling a doctor how you have made him cough up blood? Funny even, if I didn't know some women actually fall for crap like that.

Good luck for the future, and well done for being able to provide for your DD. I suspect he has either got a huge cash saving somewhere hidden, or debts.

You will be fine.

Smart woman. You'll be fine. So will your DD. She is 1, she'll barely notice his absence.

You are not splitting up a happy family.

You are forcing a selfish man to stop manipulating you for his own gain.

If you stayed with him, you would be teaching your dd some pretty awful things about the worth of women.

Dodged a bullet there. Get out whilst your child is young enough to not be too affected. The power of mn!

Based on past behaviour do you think he'll ramp up the ridiculous manipulation attempts when you end it?

Or even ramp it up now, if he realises you aren't putting up with this nonsense any more?

Be ready for threats to kill himself.

Does he have access to your money or valuable stuff? If he suspects you are about to cut off his free rent, bills and housekeeping services, he might feel entitled to strip what he can.

OP "DP swings between saying he wouldn't expect me to sign half over to him, but in the same breath says how unfair it all is that if we did split he would walk away with a lot less than me."

So if you did own half each and split somehow if would be fair for you to walk away with MUCH LESS than you originally put in ????

You seem to have made your mind up - so good for you.

Do NOT feel guilty for splitting up a family. You haven't. You weren't a family. Sorry.

My advice, separate for a while. Gives you both some space to work out if this is actually what you want. Hopefully you will see you do not need someone who provides no money, manipulates you, does fuck all with the baby and I presume very little around the house. He might grow up. If it works - great but if not you haven't wasted any more time.

You will be fine and so will your baby.

Oh, and when he won't see a doctor as he wants to save face ask him what he wants to tell your baby should it be something serious wrong with him and she is visiting his grave..

So pleased to see your last post OP.

Do stay for advice. What is the situation with your rental - is he on the tenancy, and for how long does it run?

If he is, I'd suggest a 'temporary separation' to give you thinking space and try and use that to get him off the tenancy... but if it's a rolling contract or only has a couple of months to go, just find somewhere else to go. Or start house hunting now and save the expense of another rental!

He will beg, plead, cry, promise to change, have all manner of mysterious illnesses, threaten suicide, call you at all hours from an undisclosed location about to jump off a bridge. When he does this, simply tell him you are ending the call in order to phone the police and will be giving them all his details and phone to trace, as that's the best way to help him. The nonsense will soon stop.

Make sure all your important stuff and things of sentimental value are safe before you tell him it's over. People like this can be vindictive - don't give him the chance to destroy photos or possessions.

Start a CSA claim already. My blood is boiling at the thought that a man earning 35k plus has so far managed to ponce off you to the extent he has - start now with reality: he supports his child to the tune of 15% of his earnings. Wouldn't matter if you had a million in the bank: HE contributes to HIS child.

Good luck!

Oh and yes you weren't a family. You were a parent getting up four times in the night while the cocklodger you also parented to the tune of rent, bills and practically everything else snored in the next room. No, that ain't a family. Hopefully one day in the not too distant future you'll see that for yourself when you meet a real gem of a man - there are lots and lots of them out there!

Well done OP. Like the others say be ready for all manner of hysterics but keep your cool.
The advice about CSA is good...start asap as is the advice to put things you care about out of reach.
Its not family; its a man taking advantage of your generosity and good nature (plus the 'dream' of a family'). Take care of yourself and your DD.
You'll both be great and the future will be much more fun then the present.

I was in a very similar position - I paid the deposit and husband pays the mortgage share equivalent to us both ending up having paid 50-50 once the mortgage is paid off. So my mortgage payment is quite small, his is almost double. I earn a lot more than him and still put much more in our joint savings account, but each month we are left with the same spending money once our bills are all paid off.

OP. Don't feel you have to rush anything, if you have been dating him for 8 years he must have had something you liked about him. He does sound like an idiot though Also, there may be some middle ground to LTB and to staying with him, someway to have a relationship without living with him maybe?

I am definitely NOT saying you shouldn't leave him just that you may want to take a little more time.

If you have truely just had a 'lightbulb' moment and have realised that you do want to split then go for it. Do you think it would be possible to maintain a civil relationship for your DDs sake? (not easy)

Good luck. I hope everything works out.

Sorry, I meant 3 years not 8.

Op! You are awesome! Well chuffed for you. So many people who post stuff like this, then spend the whole thread defending their beloved cocklodger, whilst revealing more and more shit they put up with.

Yes he is ridiculous, does he want you to see him as so weak and fragile that a discussion about finances leaves him incapacitated?

He's really not selling himself as an asset is he.
From what the OP has said he is a leech.

Good for you, OP, being so clear headed! I have a friend who was in a similar situation, split with her cocklodger baby daddy when her DS was 14 months. Felt lots of guilt about breaking up the family even though he contributed very little arounf the house or parenting his own child or to paying the household bills. A few years later she met an absolutely lovely guy and they're now engaged. It can still happen for you!

P.S. Did you actually witness him coughing up blood or did he just tell you about it? Because if he's really coughing up blood that's not stress, that's a reason for a visit to A&E.

OP, I am so impressed with you for thinking so clearly and taking control! Some of what you say about how he manipulates you (faking illness, making out it's your fault, playing the victim, etc) reminds me uncomfortably of some things that have happened to me, and I have not dealt with it in anything like the sensible way you are dealing with your situation. I am thinking that, like you, I might post about my own situation on the relationships board ... it is inspiring seeing how the discussion thread here seems to have helped you clarify your thoughts about your situation. Anyway, sorry for the digression.

Using your nest egg to build a secure future for you and your daughter sounds like exactly the thing to do. And I hope that, however things turn out, you will insist that your partner contributes financially to your child. He sounds a bit like the sort of person who might not see why he should contribute ...

Only just come to this thread but glad to see how level headed you are OP.

Coughing up blood and you making him ill with stress?! Why, because he gets to earn 35K and pay for food and nappies!!! Where the hell does his money go!!

What a close shave you have had and I hope you find a lovely little 2 bed with your savings.

Monster you are not by any means alone in finding it difficult to identify and deal with this kind of thing.

When you are immersed in the situation even though you have a gut feeling that things are not fair and a sense of growing resentment it is still very difficult to see things objectively.

very wise to decide not to wate more years with him

Coughing up blood always used to mean tuberculosis - known then as the white man's plague, and one of our biggest killers until antibiotics came in and now children have the BCG. It is on the up again because of immigration. Might be worth you and the child having a TB test just in case.

Thank god he hasn't gone to the doctor, or you'd be in prison by now for infecting him with Not-giving-him-a-free-£200k-itis.

Do link to your relationships thread when you start one. I know I'm a random internet stranger, but I think you sound incredibly hardworking and nice - you DON'T need to put up with this kind of crap in your life.

givemeareason - definitely start a thread in relationships if you need continued support, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You got pregnant and so you tried to make it work with your DD's father. You have worked out that he's a cocklodger and you are both better off without him. Nothing at all to feel guilty about.

I suppose most of us think it's 'ideal' for our children to have two happy parents living under the same roof, but there are plenty of happy, well balanced children living with one parent. Don't feel guilty for making the best decision you can in any given situation.

Oh and don't be a mug - definitely, definitely make sure you go through the proper channels to ensure he contributes financially to his daughters upkeep.

Just had a thought - did he know you had a lot of money before you got pregnant? Was he in charge of the condoms? Just wondering how much of this was planned by him... idle thoughs really.