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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give away half my money?

520 replies

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:09

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 18/08/2014 22:15

Dear god, what a lucky escape you are about to have. He sounds unbearable.

Preciousbane · 18/08/2014 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/08/2014 22:23

Neither of you decided "you are the one". Why waste time on false hope?

Can you imagine another 20 years of this?

You've got your head screwed on, you know it will get worse not better.

He might be a better father and co-parent if you live apart, you have DD, he has structured access to DD and pays his fair share of child maintenance.

And you can get on with your life without this nonsense. He's turning you into a victim. Fuck that.

You've only just begun your life as a mother. Don't let it be the end of your happiness.

Is his name on the rental agreement?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/08/2014 22:43

Jesus, he sounds like an utter waste of space. Coughing up blood! Fuck sake.

ICanSeeTheSun · 18/08/2014 22:52

If he is coughing up blood then i would encourage him to see a doctor.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 18/08/2014 22:55

'Coughing up blood? Oh dear - laughing? Me? No that's my concerned face, dear.'

FGS. What is he, 8?

Love Suzanne's comment about coughing up cash instead.

I think you know what you need to do, givemeareason. I just really hope that you're brave enough to do it, as I know it's much easier said than done. Thanks

magoria · 18/08/2014 22:56

If the shock of something so minor makes him cough up blood or he is massively ill ovee a conversation how is he ever going to get life insurance cover for a mortgage...

Castlemilk · 18/08/2014 22:58

OP, I have the feeling you are about to have what you will look back on as the luckiest escape of your life.

RedRoom · 18/08/2014 23:04

Suzannewithaplan
coughing up blood? what a transparent act he's putting on! he needs to cough up some money

Absolutely this^^

Is he actually seriously suggesting that the stress of talking about shared finances is making him cough up blood? In that case, absolve him of all financial stress by putting the entire house in your name and relieve him from any perceived inequality by making him fork out for half of all bills too, the tight git. He has a child: time for him to be saving up and being responsible, rather than being a sponger.

I'm relieved that you posted this on here so that everyone could reassure you that you are in no way making an unreasonable request.

TheSkiingGardener · 18/08/2014 23:05

There is a slim, slim chance that this will make him grow up.

If he doesn't, sharpish, then a house for 2 sounds perfect.

43percentburnt · 18/08/2014 23:09

He does benefit from your money, it's called a smaller mortgage payment.

Run away op, run away. If he genuinely thought you would be together forever the title deeds wouldn't bother him as it would be irrelevant!

Yadddddddnbu.

Coughing up blood, run for the hills.

writtenguarantee · 18/08/2014 23:21

Does "ring fencing the deposit" mean that when the house is sold you get 200K back first? if so, you lose if the house goes up in value, and he loses if it goes down in value.

it would seem that the most fair way to split it is that when the house is sold, you account for equity by your 200 k + payments - interest and he does the same. Then you split the sale accordingly.

however, it sounds like the arithmetic details are the least of your problems. i will vote with the others.

Happydutchmummy · 18/08/2014 23:22

I too had a large sum of money to buy a house with (inheritance) and dp and I talked about whether to buy somewhere massive together, or whether to go somewhere smaller where it would be my housebut also the family home

In none of these conversations did my dp sulk, try to emotionally blackmail me into doing what he wanted, suggest that actually half my money ought to be viewed as his for the sake of fairness, throw a strop, etc. Neither did he cough up any blood when talking about it.

In the end we decided to buy a smaller house using just my cash as our family home. My dp was supportive of my final decision (even though he'd have liked the bigger house).

BeCool · 18/08/2014 23:31

Surely it would only be an issue if you split up? So yes it is a red flag that he is using emotional blackmail to get you to effectively give him £100k to invest in property.

If you do split up of course you should get back the equal % of your deposit plus 50% of the rest.

Your DP needs to grow up.

2rebecca · 18/08/2014 23:32

The fact that he is blaming "stress" for him coughing up blood is very suspicious. A few people can cough up blood on demand. A police friend of mine regularly had a petty offender who would cough up blood when put in the cells. Hospital visits never showed any illness.
Do you want to be tiptoeing around this man who does a dying duck act every time he gets stressed? Stress is part of life, you tackle the thing that's stressing you and sort it out not duck the issue by taking to your bed.
At least he is warning you that he's manipulative and after your money.
I find it odd that you are planning to move in with someone whose financial history and spending habits you know so little about.

4boys78 · 19/08/2014 00:55

A little 2 bed brought outright for you and your dd is definitely the best option I would say.
Although thinking about it me and dh had unequal deposits when we brought our house before we wed. It never occurred to us to ring fence it but the difference was only about 15k.

deepest · 19/08/2014 01:17

Where is all his money -- if he is a frugal as you suggest....then he has an escape fund somewhere. Alarm bells, trust your gut....and protect your DD future - not fund his....time to recognise he is a child....you and your DD will be fine. Buy something solely in your own name and charge him rent.

pinkyredrose · 19/08/2014 01:24

Agree with deepest his money's going somewhere!

Clarinet9 · 19/08/2014 01:40

I am sure the answer is in the thread but just to be clear did you come into the relationship with all that money? (rather than doing overtime whilst he was doing unpaid babysitting IYSWIM)

Clarinet9 · 19/08/2014 01:46

Moved on a bit sorry my Internet is rubbish and very slow

lavenderhoney · 19/08/2014 06:29

Coughing up blood? And somehow its your fault? You must be used to and weary of his antics. I suppose the shock of realising you aren't going to sign over your cash has affected him.

That's a point, where's his money? I assume he's proposed using his savings as a deposit? Has he ever wanted a joint account only and have you ever seen his bank statements?

Rooners · 19/08/2014 06:52

Have just skimmed through this and OMG you're about to dodge a bullet.

What an insufferable cocklodger! I'm really shocked but at the same time massively relieved that you posted for advice and have realised that what your instincts were trying to tell you is actually quite relevant and important. Well done Flowers

I would say if you don't want to chuck this geezer out of hand, yet then just buy a house for you and dd to live in and own, and he can come and stay from time to time if he behaves himself.

DO NOT risk a PENNY for the sake of his manchild pride. He's not worth it.

Rooners · 19/08/2014 06:58

Btw I always think of these situations as a bit like unravelling knitting.

You don't want to do it, initially - you've done quite a bit since you dropped those stitches a while back, but you know once you get it into your head that it's going to look crap with a big hole in the middle, it's really worth taking apart the last few rows, and getting back to a place where everything was going well and more importantly, a place you can build from.

Original poster
givemeareason · 19/08/2014 07:09

Morning all.

Yeah I've definitely dodged a bullet haven't I.

I suggested he go to the doctors about coughing up blood and he said oh yeah I'm really going to tell them you've stressed me out so much you're making me ill. He's ridiculous.

I wasted 8 years of my life in a relationship with a dreadful excuse for a man (ex p) - I'm not wasting more years with this one.

I will definitely post on relationships soon because I do feel guilty for 'splitting up the family' but I can't live my life with him, I've been kidding myself.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 19/08/2014 07:44

As an aside- he will most likely say he will be on the streets etc. -that he can't afford maintenance and you don't need it anyway with your savings.

But in reality- he is probably contributing less than 15% of his income now to"the household" so don't worry about him or what he says. Your child is entitled to be supported by both parents - not have their dad cocklodging and living off whoever pays the bills.

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