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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give away half my money?

520 replies

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:09

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP posts:
aftereight · 18/08/2014 21:02

I have nothing else to add, other than

Leave The Bastard (to live on his own and man the fuck up)

Shock
RedRoom · 18/08/2014 21:15

There's no way would I agree to that.

There are a lot of idealistic posters on here. I bought a flat with an ex that I was with for years, and when we split he took half of everything, even though I'd paid all of the deposit. It left me with very little deposit for another place and I had to start saving all over again. That deposit was a mere £30k. You are talking about £200k. You would be insane to not get a solicitor to protect it so that if you split, the profit is split only once the £200k is deducted and allocated to you.

He sounds pretty entitled, to be honest! You have worked your backside off for years before meeting him! That provides your security and your financial independence if things should ever go wrong. So many women are financially tied into relationships.

itsbetterthanabox · 18/08/2014 21:16

If it's 200k why don't you just buy a house outright for that amount and you own then live together in it but you will own it.

satsumasunrise · 18/08/2014 21:16

Why on earth are you paying the rent and the bills by yourself? You should change that right now. Who suggested that set-up?

Itsfab · 18/08/2014 21:21

He sounds entitled twerp.

When he says why should he walk away with less ask him why he should get 100K. What has he done? He hasn't married you - DON'T. He does very little with the baby. He doesn't acknowledge or respect what you do.

Buy your two bed cottage with your DD and walk away. What a twat he is.

Sulks, bullies, tantrums. What more could you want for your baby's father.

Sister77 · 18/08/2014 21:22

OP the deposit thing is merely scratching the surface. The more posts of yours I read, the more alarm bells ring and red flags pop up.

Sorry to be brutal but he's a cock lodger whose using you. Get rid.

He appears to have little care, consideration or respect for you or your worries. Buying together will not change this it will get worse.

He will probably say to you he's hurt that you don't trust him but he doesn't seem to have given you any reason to trust him. Sorry x

NYCHIC · 18/08/2014 21:39

Why did you decide to have a child with a man you obviously don't respect? Sorry to sound brutal but £200K is a lot of money but it's only money. I'd be more concerned about what sort of father I had chosen for my child.

Frogisatwat · 18/08/2014 21:41

Bully for you nychic!

NYCHIC · 18/08/2014 21:43

Sorry OP just re-read my post and it comes across a lot harsher than my intention I think you are right to protect your assets, but I'm just wondering whether there was as much of an assessment of the state of your relationship before you decided to conceive !

Cheeky76890 · 18/08/2014 21:47

He's obviously crap with cash. His choice. Not your responsibility. Has he ever kept a diary of his outgoings?

Seriously buy a house in your name with your 200k, let it out. With the rentable income buy a shared house.

Original poster
givemeareason · 18/08/2014 21:48

I am going to sleep now, had enough of today.

I told him I was reconsidering buying a place together and apparently the shock has caused him to cough up blood repeatedly.

Thankfully we don't sleep in the same room at the moment due to me getting up to feed DD in the night (who is in with me) so I have a bit of space from him which is good.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 18/08/2014 21:50

with the new Information then i wouldn't even put his name on the deeds.

TattyDevine · 18/08/2014 21:52

I smell a rat with your particular situation.

My DH's family tried to get him to do a prenup. They didn't know my financial situation and he didn't know the all of it (it was favourable) at the time either (though I would have disclosed it if it came up, but it was a whilrlwind romance and we married in haste). He told them to eff orf.

We married anyway.

If they had realised, they would realise he'd be quids in in the event of a split.

Which hasn't happened 14 years on.

I might sound smug, but its not always as it makes out.

BUT.

He had no inkling nor did I, it was just them sticking their beaks in and being cynical, but possibly because I was female, younger, and an immigrant.

May well be different circumstances here though, follow your instincts, as did me and DH in our very different situations.

I have not forgotten them getting all INVOLVED.

CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/08/2014 21:54

Nice one ny ! Glad I'm not the harshest for once Blush

givemeareason it does sound awfully like you fell pregnant unplanned then decided you would have to settle for this guy because he is your DD's father.

Fuck that. You can do much better.

Original poster
givemeareason · 18/08/2014 21:55

Cookie, you hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
lavenderhoney · 18/08/2014 21:58

I can see why you aren't keen op, and rightly so.

The sulking etc means things aren't going to end well, now or in the future. You can either stop it all now ( and put up with a few months posturing before he finds someone else to keep him) or carry on, doggedly trying to make this man the man you thought he was and the father you hoped he'd be.

I really hope you have a will and a chosen person ( NOT your dp) as trustee as I assume you will be leaving everything to your child and they get access when they are 21. Perhaps you should tell him that, and say that will also be the case if you marry.

Its very tough but this is a big chance to say look, we clearly don't agree, and I'm not going to back down. Buy a lovely 2 bed for you and your dd. He can carry on paying for his food and nappies(!) and insist he either pays rent and bills! she'll be out of them soon btw! He will either back down as he realises his meal ticket is stopping or ramp up to see what you do. Either way, I think, you are on a hiding to nothing.

Blimey, this bloke is a very smooth talker - op sounds astute and not one to be taken in, with her savings. Thank god you have realised before you signed up.

A friend of mine was in your position, and didn't ask anyone in rl as she knew deep down it was wrong plus he asked her not to as he didn't want anyone knowing their business. He dumped her 2 weeks before the wedding, took her sports car which she had put in his name for some reason she can't even work out now why, and tried to force the sale of her house. She stood to lose thousands and thousands of pounds until she finally told a rather large and temperamental male friend who popped to his workplace and went ballistic. Lucky for her, his brother remortgaged his house and repaid her. She is still on ad's, 10 years later. And he tried to get her to have a child. She knows now it was to lock her in:(

CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/08/2014 22:00

the shock has caused him to cough up blood repeatedly Shock

Seeing as you've gone to bed instead of calling an ambulance, you obviously know it is a total crock of shit.

Maybe try the relationships board tomorrow. It is full of people who can help you extricate yourself from this.

naturalbaby · 18/08/2014 22:02

Where does he see himself in the future, financially? Why should you have to put all your hard earned money into your house when he's got nothing to contribute?
Coughing up blood?? He needs to grow up.

TheRealMaryMillington · 18/08/2014 22:03

How long have you been together? How much of these savings were generated whilst you were together? Was he looking after your kids and home whilst you saved it?

At what point do "your" savings become your family/joint resources?

slithytove · 18/08/2014 22:06

If telling him that gets him to cough up blood, what else could you tell him which might solve your problem permanently?

evil laugh and hand rubbing

TheRealMaryMillington · 18/08/2014 22:08

OMG there was a whole bunch of thread I didn't see

Get out OP, the man is a user

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 18/08/2014 22:10

^ Agree with Cookie WTF if he's not seriously ill (I'm assuming you'd have to be to be coughing up blood!) then I'd be seriously concerned at how deceptive (faking being ill Hmm ) and frankly how odd he's behaving!

NYCHIC · 18/08/2014 22:11

OP your last post puts a totally different slant on this. In that case in your shoes I would not buy a house with this man just yet. Doesn't sound like your heart is in it anyway. Maybe give it a year or two (you can say its 's he has a chance to save something) See how you get on living together and co-parenting in rented before you take the leap of getting a mortgage.

wheresthebeach · 18/08/2014 22:12

New to this thread.

Coughing up blood? Ahh...full blown drama queen then and from what I see expert manipulator as well.

Keep your money safe. Like nearly everyone is saying its a bad idea to hand him £100k. It's the same as writing a cheque for £100k. Would you do that? Tomorrow? Give him a cheque? Hopefully the answer is a resounding NO.

Don't buy a house with him. At all.

Suzannewithaplan · 18/08/2014 22:12

coughing up blood?
what a transparent act he's putting on!

he needs to cough up some money
(although I suspect it'd be easier to get blood out of a stone)