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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to give away half my money?

520 replies

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:09

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP posts:
GlaceDragonflies · 18/08/2014 19:55

Keep your 200k and use it to invest in a buy to let property in your name only.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 18/08/2014 19:56

Love - why are you paying the rent & the bills whilst he pays for food and little bits and you are on mat leave looking after HIS (and yours of course!) daughter? I presume it's all coming out of your savings?

You are being a mug :(

I have a feeling we have 'spoken' before, both of us under different names.

givemeareason · 18/08/2014 19:57

Possibly debts. He said he has just one loan that he's repaying, I suppose it could be more. That would explain a few things.

OP posts:
RumNoRaisins · 18/08/2014 19:57

I don't think you are moaning at all. You are now asking some hard questions that need answers too. Especially before embarking on any further financial entanglements with him. If you don't like the answers, step away (from the joint house purchase at least).

Freebirdy · 18/08/2014 19:57

He sounds like my ex. I tried hard for ages to make it work. It doesn't. He eventually fell out of love with me too and left. It's ace! I was shocked but I feel so happy! And the house I own is all mine so he just went and I've got a house to myself. I tried so hard for DS but it just isn't worth it. Me and ex are friends now.

BringMeSunshine2014 · 18/08/2014 19:58

You aren't having a good old moan, you are working through your thoughts with friends. Even if you were just having a good old moan, you'd certainly be justified!

ArgyMargy · 18/08/2014 20:00

Either buy the house on your own or get married and share everything.

Castlemilk · 18/08/2014 20:01

Goodness.

So you are already subsidising him, although he could and should be paying his way.

And he's one of these: he thinks I have it easy even though I have been up 4 times a night feeding since DD was born. - hmm, yes, they're always princes among men. In fact - in that vital year after you've had a child - a man coming out with stuff like this is probably the single biggest indicator of an utter, utter prick.

What does he do with his 35K? Well. It's not actually a massive salary depending on where you are in the country. But 'where you are in the country' actually translates as 'how much your rent/mortgage is'. And he may as well be living in the cheapest place in the UK and more, because he's not actually paying rent or bills. His only outgoing is more food than he'd eat as a single bloke.

So he should have a massive disposable income. He could be a complete fritterer, but hmm, if you live together and you roughly know how he spends his time then that's unlikely to be it. He's either making an utter killing saving up his own income while you shoulder the main living costs, or he gambles, or drinks more than you think, or has large debts you know nothing about.

One thing is absolutely obvious - he's rubbish with money, and believes that the world (ie you at the moment) owes him. One is heavily linked to the other.

And... he's unpleasant, unfair, lazy, a sponger, and you can't have an adult conversation with him about issues without him throwing a sulk.

Yes, you have been kidding yourself about the kind of person he is. Don't kid yourself any more. You are clearly motivated, honest, hardworking. You could do better. And by that I mean that you could have a much much happier life, and your DD too, than you will find by linking yourself to this twat.

RandomMess · 18/08/2014 20:02

Does he have a car? Wondering if he was a boy racer in the past with expensive car tastes? Lots of expensive socialising - if I could afford it I would eat & go out to socialise so much it's something I absolutely love doing!

CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/08/2014 20:02

He moved in just as your baby was born?

If you are like me, that first year will have been one of the most vulnerable times in your life.

In that year, he stopped having to cook for himself 4 nights a week, he did no cleaning, did not pay for a cleaner, paid no rent or bills, did not get up in the night for the baby, never took you for a night out and has not put any savings aside.

Did you also start doing his laundry? Tidying up? Managing all the bills and paperwork? Organising the sock drawers?

And he always gives you the silent treatment if you disagree about something? Like giving him £100k for free.

Is that correct?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/08/2014 20:03

You think he wants half your money because he sees you as having an easy life now.

He has no savings at all.

He sulks when you question him (I suppose if the questioning is frequent and/or aggressive there might be an excuse) but generally this is a no.

All in all I would think very carefully before entering into a financial arrangement that cannot be undone. Why not buy a rental property in your sole name and continue to rent as a family.

Rarely have I felt so moved to say to an unknown person 'don't do it'.

Earlybird · 18/08/2014 20:05

You cannot possibly make such a huge financial commitment to someone when you have no idea about what they do with their money.

Everything between you should be absolutely transparent, and only then, if you are comfortable with what you discover, should you consider moving forward with your plans.

Buying a house is possibly the biggest and most long term financial commitment you will make. You simply can't do it when you have so few facts from your dp. And the way he behaves whenever you ask does not bode well.

IMO, from what you've told us, it would be a terrible decision to buy a house with your dp.

dolphinsandwhales · 18/08/2014 20:06

Yanbu. Do not do this!

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 18/08/2014 20:08

I was too measured.

I think Castlemilk has it actually.

Please take note.

Castlemilk · 18/08/2014 20:08

Thinking this over a bit more, I would say that he has debts you know nothing about. It's the most obvious explanation for it all, and fits with his general attitude.

I hope this thread is helping you, OP. The thing that comes through loud and clear, to me at least, is that - thank God - you don't love this man. You're far too clear headed for that. Even before this thread, you had a good idea of the measure of him.

LapsedTwentysomething · 18/08/2014 20:14

I pay the rent and bills, he buys the groceries, nappies etc.

Isn't he what's known on MN as a cocklodger? Fuck me, you could easily be paying out, what, £800/mth on rent and bills, if not more, while he chips in maybe £300 for groceries and nappies? On a salary of £35k?! And now he wants £100k of your hard earned cash.

I cannot bear freeloading men like this. Without the equity, I once had a bf who suggested a similar arrangement early in our relationship. It didn't last long.

givemeareason · 18/08/2014 20:15

The thread is helping enormously :-)

I do try to go with my head rather than my heart - I just find it hard to figure out what my head is saying sometimes especially when in the situation itself.

OP posts:
CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/08/2014 20:18

If you did go ahead and buy with him please don't the mortgage provider will want to see at least three months of bank statements from him.

Ask him for the bank statements now. I bet the answer will be interesting.

We paid to see our own credit history before applying for our first mortgage. Experian? Tell him you are doing that.

wellthatsdoneit · 18/08/2014 20:21

Don't do it. Put all the deposit in if necessary, but not all of your savings. Eggs, baskets - spread them around.

TobyZiegler · 18/08/2014 20:24

OP with your new information regarding you paying the rent and bills even though you are on mat leave while he buys groceries and nappies on his £35K is making me feel strongly that you shouldn't risk your hard saved £200K.

He need to be clear as to what his financial situation is before you commit to anything. You need to know how much debt he has? How much savings he has etc... And request evidence. If you want to enter into a mortgage with him you must protect your deposit. If he disagrees it's simple he doesn't move in. You buy for yourself in your name.

CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/08/2014 20:46

When are you going back to work?

Soon, presumably, if DD is a year old? What will the childcare arrangements be? It is just that you mentioned mat leave but not your return to work, which will have a major effect on finances and ability to borrow.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 18/08/2014 20:57

£35k and he's only paying for food and nappies and your on mat leave?! Hmm

I'd want to know where the rest is going! Especially as he thinks he's entitled to half of yours.

(also funny how the poor menz brigade have suddenly fallen silent...)

CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/08/2014 20:58

Oh god, I just had a horrible thought...

Are you eating into your savings now to cover your living costs?

It was you that suggested buying, right, to stop him feeling hard done by ? He was content living rent free with you?

Is he encouraging you to be a SAHM and his housewife?

With you eating through your savings to pay for almost everything while he does fuck knows what with his £35k?

And you getting all low self-esteem-y stuck at home so you are less likely to kick his lazy cocklodging arse out. And after a few years having no deposit to move out on your own easily?

Has he suggested having another baby soon?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/08/2014 21:01

Why the fuck do you pay all the rent? What the hell is going on here?

TobyZiegler · 18/08/2014 21:01

(also funny how the poor menz brigade have suddenly)

In fairness OP has provided new information that is making her DP look like a twat.

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