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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really upset aft DP pointed out a hot girl he thought should 'sit on his face'

301 replies

peachyliz · 17/08/2014 15:18

My DP of 3 years occasionally glances at other women discreetly. I'm fine with that. More recently when his mates are over, they talk about hot women (celebrities) at great length, and I laugh and go along with it. A few times recently he has made similar comments about hot women, even when he is just with me.
Then yesterday we were going through a drive-through, and he pointed out a woman working there and said "she doesn't belong here, she is way to hot to work here", so going along with the joke, I said "oh really?". And he said "she belongs sat on my face".
I was completely stunned, and as we were on the way to spend the day with my family, I just didn't say anything. We spent the evening with friends, and he joked with them that he had crossed the line, and wanted me to just forgive him (in front of them, so no opportunity to talks about it).
I'm angry because I feel like he just doesn't respect me, and that I am a bit of a doormat. I'm having a confidence crisis anyway, because he recently spent several weeks with mention-itus about a new, beautiful female friend of his (who is apparently just lovely, talented, and invited him to a BBQ party without me). So I just feel even more insecure now. If this is the stuff he says to my face, what does he think about when he meets other women?

Sorry for the essay. Am I being unreasonable to be really upset and angry?

OP posts:
HilariousInHindsight · 17/08/2014 23:54

Get rid.
What a vile being he is.

My cat wouldn't even sit on a bloke like that's face.
You deserve better.
Seriously.

Castlemilk · 18/08/2014 00:11

Not only does he sound absolutely vile, he's also nastily manipulative, to a degree I would not like at all in someone I wanted as a life partner.

He knew he'd upset you. He knew your upset and anger were justified. So instead of accepting that, apologising but knowing that it would be up to YOU to forgive/forget when YOU chose to, he tried to manipulate the situation to take that choice away from you. Which not only completely disrespected you, but also embarrassed you. Stupid trick to try really though, because as if compounding the problem with showing you a second time what a selfish thoughtless dickhead he is would improve your opinion of him!

So:
disrespectful
grim sense of 'humour'
nasty air of misogyny
manipulative

... and stupid!!

How are house prices looking in your area? You could do much much better.

MyBaby1day · 18/08/2014 01:42

Talk about some hot men you fancy/want to bed.....then DITCH HIM!!, you are worth more!. Get rid OP.

ithoughtofitfirst · 18/08/2014 05:58

What a pig.

FabulousSweetieDarling · 18/08/2014 06:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumminio · 18/08/2014 07:05

YANBU you have every right to be treated well. I'm going to go against the grain it seems...don't leave him! I went through this with my husband in the early years, and he stopped being such a tit after a handful of conversations. I think it was mostly habit and peer pressure from a small handful of friends who were dickheads.

It sounds like your husband's comments and attitude have been getting progressively worse over time. Have you ever told him that you find it very disrespectful, and asked him to stop? Did you discuss his comments and how they made you feel?

Reading between the lines (so I may have this wrong), it sounds like you might have to stand up for yourself. Teach him how to treat you. "oh that's a lovely thing to say, it makes me feel good when you xyz" or "that's a horrible thing to say, it makes me feel awful. Please don't do it again".

If he laughs/ignores/does not change his behaviour, then make plans to leave. But give him a chance...3 years of marriage is something, and I'm going to wager that he has some positive traits alongside this awful one.

mumminio · 18/08/2014 07:07

Oh just noticed he's a DP...if no kids/marriage, then he has committed a dumpable offence.

Sunna · 18/08/2014 07:11

Dh had a "friend" who used to make that sort of remark all the time.

Once when we were all in the pub together another female asked him why on earth a woman like that would be interested in a creep like him.

He doesn't do it any more.

zippey · 18/08/2014 07:15

They have a house together though. Hopefully OP hasn't invested more in the house than he has.

Hoppinggreen · 18/08/2014 09:01

He s either 15, one of the " inbetweeners" or an arse.
Either way get rid

AnyFucker · 18/08/2014 09:46

"Teach him how to treat you..." Shock

Please reserve that approach for 3 year olds, not grown men.

ChoccaDoobie · 18/08/2014 12:11

Am so with you on that AF. If a grown man needs to be told that this is inappropriate he is not worth it.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 18/08/2014 14:12

You need to tell him the next time you see a fit bloke that wouldn't mind a go on that - see how he reacts

GallopingGlacier · 18/08/2014 14:27

Any update from your chat with him last night OP?

scallopsrgreat · 18/08/2014 14:29

I'm with AF too. It also puts the onus on the woman and makes it her responsibility to communicate and justify in endless different ways why he is making her uncomfortable. Why shouldn't he just stop it if he is told it is inappropriate?

Women have enough responsibility within relationships anyway without having to 'teach' their partners to behave in a courteous and respectful manner.

However, OP, when a man tells you what he's like, believe him.

scallopsrgreat · 18/08/2014 14:32

Or in fact as ChoccaDoobie says why doesn't he already know it's inappropriate?

Answer is he probably does. He just wants to make you feel uncomfortable and/or hoping you won't call him on it and seeing what he can get away with.

ithoughtofitfirst · 18/08/2014 14:42

DH said this morning that Cheryl Cole's tattoo was a waste of a bum. I laughed and agreed. If he'd said that she should sit on his face I would have... well I don't actually know what. But I definitely wouldn't have laughed. Maybe cried.

Hakluyt · 18/08/2014 14:47

"Reading between the lines (so I may have this wrong), it sounds like you might have to stand up for yourself. Teach him how to treat you. "oh that's a lovely thing to say, it makes me feel good when you xyz" or "that's a horrible thing to say, it makes me feel awful. Please don't do it again"."

Words fail me. Why would you even want to spend another minute with an adult who has to be taught this stuff?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/08/2014 17:52

He's crossed the line so far back it's now a tiny wee dot in the distance. After three years together, you shouldn't need to teach him how not to make crass remarks. Hmm How did your chat last night go?

GrapefruitILoveIt · 18/08/2014 17:55

omg, I@m sure it's been said but "see you, good luck with hot girls" Confused you'll need it

PhaedraIsMyName · 18/08/2014 17:59

Does he have any redeeming features?

manofsponge · 18/08/2014 18:08

its the grammar of 'sat' that partly freaks me out

scottishmummy · 18/08/2014 19:10

Is he Russell brand,it's the type of thing he'd say

Hedgehogparty · 18/08/2014 19:10

Sounds about 13 and still at the giggly smutty stage.

If he still talks like this at the age of 30 I can't understand why you'd want to be anywhere near him to be honest.

temporaryusername · 18/08/2014 21:20

You shouldn't have to teach him. Also it isn't just about stopping the comments because of how they make you feel - it is his underlying attitudes. I missed earlier that he is 30! 30, and you've been together 3 years, and he is like this! OP, I wouldn't try and reason with him or get him to change his attitudes. Just tell him you don't like his attitude and you're leaving. Or just leave. If he needs things spelling out to him, it won't work.

I hope you're ok OP, I know it must be hard having everyone saying LTB, after 3 years.