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Original poster

To feel really upset aft DP pointed out a hot girl he thought should 'sit on his face'

301 replies

peachyliz · 17/08/2014 15:18

My DP of 3 years occasionally glances at other women discreetly. I'm fine with that. More recently when his mates are over, they talk about hot women (celebrities) at great length, and I laugh and go along with it. A few times recently he has made similar comments about hot women, even when he is just with me.
Then yesterday we were going through a drive-through, and he pointed out a woman working there and said "she doesn't belong here, she is way to hot to work here", so going along with the joke, I said "oh really?". And he said "she belongs sat on my face".
I was completely stunned, and as we were on the way to spend the day with my family, I just didn't say anything. We spent the evening with friends, and he joked with them that he had crossed the line, and wanted me to just forgive him (in front of them, so no opportunity to talks about it).
I'm angry because I feel like he just doesn't respect me, and that I am a bit of a doormat. I'm having a confidence crisis anyway, because he recently spent several weeks with mention-itus about a new, beautiful female friend of his (who is apparently just lovely, talented, and invited him to a BBQ party without me). So I just feel even more insecure now. If this is the stuff he says to my face, what does he think about when he meets other women?

Sorry for the essay. Am I being unreasonable to be really upset and angry?

OP posts:
mumminio · 19/08/2014 06:10

No need for everyone to get so worked up. I worded it badly, but there's no need to crucify me!

I mean teach him as in stand up for yourself. OP take it as a lesson learned. If you tell a partner as soon as he crosses the line, and he does it again, then end it. End of story.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 07:19

Ummmm.....I would freak the shit out.
But that's because I'm insecure and my dp was a total womaniser before he met me (actually up until I have birth to our child) and feel totally inadequate.
I'd tell him you'd prefer her kept those comments to times spent with the guys and that you now need some you time which involves him paying for weekly salon visits and a gym
Membership.
If definitely use it as an excuse to get pampered and up to scratch with the girl who works in the drive through.
Oh and don't forget to mention the hot guy at the coffee shop who's too good to be working there!

eddielizzard · 19/08/2014 07:27

bleurgh

if the rest of your relationship is totally amazing i would be Hmm but if it's not i'd be thinking about an exit plan.

Hakluyt · 19/08/2014 07:27

"I'd tell him you'd prefer her kept those comments to times spent with the guys and that you now need some you time which involves him paying for weekly salon visits and a gym
Membership.
If definitely use it as an excuse to get pampered and up to scratch with the girl who works in the drive through."

I think I might have to shoot myself. It really is as if feminism never happened.

Herecomesthesciencebint · 19/08/2014 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 19/08/2014 07:47

At the heart of this man is a total lack of respect for you and for women in general, who (whom?) he believes exist for his sexual gratification.

No amount of teaching , gym or beauty treatments will ever make a difference. All you can hope for is not to have your spirit broken by a man who will never view you as an equal.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 07:52

Only said that as I know it would make me feel better about MYSELF if I had the time and money to pamper myself a little. It would make ME feel good about MYSELF. Never said it was for him, it would help me with my self esteem. It's not about competing, that's an assumption and a half.
I work full time and have a 17 month old, so don't have the chance to make myself feel special and relax every now and then but if I did who's to say it would be for anyone else but myself?!
It's not a problem with the man here it's self esteem as she said, so I offered my opinion on what would help that.
Lucky it's only my opinion about what would help me, but everyone's different.
My bad.

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 07:54

So you sell your self-respect for a salon treatment?

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 07:54

Every man I repeat every man thinks like that, just because he said it does that make him worse?
At least you know what you're getting yourself into, I only found out what an arse my do was after I had his child.

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 07:54

I wonder how OP's chat went.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 07:55

Self respect? What has going to the salon and having some you time got to do with sacrificing your self respect?
A whole lot of assumptions are being made here

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 07:56

Every man I repeat every man thinks like that,

I think it's really sad that that's the impression you have of men. It's like saying, "all women, I repeat all women, can be bought off with gym membership".

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 07:59

I think it's sad that woman think that their man has never looked at another woman in that way. Of course they do, they are human beings. It's like saying that no woman ever looks at a good looking guy?!? Seriously?!?
I never said anyone could be brought off with a gum membership, wtf. That's what you took from my comment as I said it would make me feel good about myself. And was just a freaking suggestion.
What's wrong with having an opinion that differs from everyone else's?
Feminism my arse.

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:00

Beth if a man is making disrespectful, objectifying, misogynistic comments the self-respecting way to deal with this is to make a deal-breaker, not say, "you must now buy me a salon treatment". And you certainly don't try harder to win his approval.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:00

Ladies that got I the gym, have your haircuts or indulge in the occasion facial get some self respect.

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:02

I think it's sad that woman think that their man has never looked at another woman in that way.

That's not what is happening here. I think it's normal for people to look at others and think, "Phoar, they're incredibly sexually attractive". I don't think it's normal to think, "Phoar, I find them so attractive the only thing they are good for is to sexually pleasure me".

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2014 08:02

Re reading your op you are too lenient on him, giving him free reign to act like an idiot. He sounds like he's 13 not a mature adult. None of my dh or his friends woukd act like that. Very disrespectful!

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:03

Okay. Not going to win here. I'm off to the gym, because it makes me feel good to do something for myself...I repeat myself not my partner.
Then I'm going to go to the salon and cancel my hair appointment because I have more respect for myself than to get my hair done.

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:03

I go to the gym - it makes me feel great, fit and strong. And I pay for it myself. I do not use it as a pay-off for putting up with a sleazy man.

redonionmarmalade · 19/08/2014 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumblePieMonster · 19/08/2014 08:07

He's told you he doesn't want you, he wants another (any other?) woman. What are you waiting for? Not only did he do such a cruel thing, he bragged about it in front of your mutual friends. Dignified exit asap. No conversation around the matter.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:09

I look at guys I think are hot in that way? There are plenty of men that I find sexually attractive that I wouldn't want a relationship with.
Anyway, gym.
I hope it works out for you op. Whatever you decide, do what's best for you.
If he continues now he knows this behaviour upsets you then maybe have a think about what you mean to him of he continues to do something he knows hurts you?
Everyone slips up every now and then, relationships are complicated and men think different to a lot of women (but apparently I think very differently from other ladies too).
And if you say you are having a confidence crisis maybe address that...for YOURSELF :)
Best of luck.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:12

Oh my jeeeeez. You're now holding onto the one comment I made that he should pay for it?! Seriously? My partner pays for my gym, does that mean I have no self respect?! Still do it for myself he just kindly pays for it, doesn't make it any less empowering.
OP I hope you pay for your own gym membership? Apparently it's a big deal.
I was having a little bit of a laugh.
Apologies.

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:16

Still do it for myself he just kindly pays for it

In return for making lewd comments about other women he'd rather be with.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2014 08:18

Beth has appeared straight from an episode of Mad Men, I fear

You can get rid of that cheating twat, Beth. You don't have to find reasons, any old shitty reasons, to stay with him. I guarantee it will make you feel a million times better than any salon treatment you care to name.

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