DH controlling finances, is it fair?

[ItWasMyOwnSilence]

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' .

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

Yes there are work costs,so she accesses the joint account,and also takes cash for contingencies
Shes said she has access to joint account.so she accesses it to support return to work
Black trousers,top from next for£50,if really stuck eBay something if his

Op has a source of income,the SMP £110 p/w.that needs to go to her solely

Op has already said she would find it hard to return to work because her baby is only 5 months old and exclusively breastfed and will not take a bottle.

Returning to work under those circumstances will take some time and whilst the op is very low in self esteem and confidence it is a big task (not impossible however - I say that as a woman that left an abusive relationship when my dd was 5 months old and went back to work getting 2 buses to take dd to nursery everyday and then to my work....).

I think more than posters advising her to go back to work I think the op needs to come to the realisation that the current situation IS abusive. Not just unfair but a denial of financial freedom and equality. And a total lack of respect.

Once the op realises the behaviour is abusive then some self esteem can be worked on. In some ways people advising op to return to work are not helpful because they are reaffirming to the op that being at home as a stay at home parent is not being equal. Effectively it is confirming the things the abusive partner has said.

I do think the op should leave. And I do think once she is in a better place confidence wise she should look into getting back into work but only because she wants to and if she would be better off financially for her and the children - not because her abusive partner says she should or because she feels she has to because he won't give her enough money to survive.

Op would receive more money in maintenance and child tax credits being a single parent than she is receiving now. That would be a springboard to a better life right now and long term towards enjoyable employment.

Hard but not unsurmountable.and she needs a sole reliable source of income
Hes unlikely ti change.but op can change her circumstances.It doesn't need to be like this
And when her daughters are old enough to understand,warn them never ti be financially reliant on another adult

Totally agree with Fairylea.

She used to earn same as him,clearly has skills.so yes do return to work ft

Scottish mummy it's clear that you have an issue with stay at home parents. You've said before on other threads you think being a sahm is a patriarchal set up. I think that is wrong because in a mutually respectful relationship both parties come to agree which parent is best at home and finance is shared equally, spending money shared equally. It is not always an awful thing to share finances. Having been through two divorces myself and been left in the shit financially I still would like to live for the best rather than plan for the worst.

I agree that op does need to look at a long term plan for herself and her dc but I don't think making her feel that being a sahm is somehow wrong or naive is the right way to do that. Op has been unfortunate in that she has ended up with an abusive twat. Most relationships are not like that.

Im answering this thread,based on he posts.please don't traipse posts you think you vaguely recall from other threads
He support her going back to work
She has a skill set
It will give her security and source income she lacks
Its empowering to be in control
All of my points are relevant to this thread

Fair enough but him supporting her to return to work is absolutely neither here nor there.

I think it depends. Is the 'pocket money' just to spend on yourself, extras you want to buy? (I count birthday presents for extended family like this) Does he spend more on himself? Where do you live, as this will impact re bills etc. Have you had problems with money in the past? Could he be anxious about his job, mortgage increases, food prices and is squirreling for later?

To all those saying, 'You are a SAHM, your job is in the home and you should be 'paid' as such.' Are right but, it sounds as though: food, bills, mortgage, clothes are covered and £60 p/m is your disposable income. Which let's be honest is that bad.

So, Y may or may not BU

I haven't read the whole thread but clearly yanbu.

There is no way I would be a SAHM unless I had full access to DH's earnings. that's the only fair option when one of you is not earning, or if one of you earns a lot less.

He needs to remember his wedding vows - "all that I have I share with you" is not just words,

Hope you manage to sort it out somehow.

isn't that bad

Mini, I disagree with you. Why should SAP's (I am one, most of the time btw) have full access to the WP's wages? As long as food, clothes for the DCs and bills and Mortgage are covered, then both parents are fulfilling their 'bargain' to each other. I think money to spend on yourself is nice, but not an automatic right. The WP should be able to spend and save the remainder of their money as they like.

DH had another talk this afternoon when he finished work.

Re child benefit he said that he doubted I needed to spend £136 a month on DDs and that if I want to have the CB paid into my account that's fine, but he will no longer be giving me the £60, he said I can use the CB to get things I need.

He also made me feel really bad and guilty, said I am questioning him and trying to control him, which is why he does not let me have unrestricted access to the money. He also says it makes him feel nice and good about himself by giving me my spending money and by him having all the other money (his wages) to buy me treats.

And re the issue of going back to work - DH is very encouraging of me going back to work. He said ideally I would go back full time so he could give up work or get a small part time job. I said this is not an option.

Working out my 'wages' for looking after DD's and doing household jobs seems like a bit of a shitty thing to do tbh, I do it because I enjoy it, I don't expect 'pay' for it, just respect and access to money I feel is 'ours'.

SAHPs btw

"Pocket money" for an adult woman "might not be that bad?" It is a disgrace. That's what it is. All money shared, bills paid, costs shared. What is left can be saved/shared equally between both parties as agreed.

Ideally you could work and HE could get a parttime job!!! Ask him if he will be happy with £60 pocket money then.

You get £110 maternity pay plus the CB. If you can't afford the bills without that money, then he can't afford beer and takeaways can he?

No I have never had problems with money in the past. Never had loans or credit cards, except an Argos store card I got recently to buy nursery items for DD2 (DH is paying the card off but it is in my name).

DH has had problems with debt in the past, CCJ etc, but is debt free now.

I totally agree with Fairylea's post above.

From what you have said, this is not just financial abuse and will not be solved in itself by you going back to work.

I don't live in the UK, but I get the impression that as a single mother I think you would be financially better off and be able to stay at home with your children until they are a bit older.

And be able to have your own friends, i.e. Real Life support.

I'm so sorry, OP, but you are not in a good relationship with this man.

Having read that last post YANBU. Whatever else he may think, he should not be making you feel bad about money, nor should he feel or express power over you in terms of money. It seems like you understand far more of the partnership concept behind stay at home parenting than he does. To be honest, when you've bought the new things you need, I would suggest going back to budgeting for £60 and putting the remainder in an account of your own. I don't want to worry you, but you need to keep your eyes wide open for abusive behaviour and having money set aside will give you a way out if you need it.

SO you work ft,let him watch kids on £60 per month.get you some independence
If you're feeling generous give him the £136month,to purchase all items
I see he's still guilting you out.thats bullying

The WP should be able to spend and save the remainder of their money as they like

So SAHP are automatically the weaker party. If you can't control your money, you can't control your life. One parent earning the money for an entire family is earning family money, there should be no such thing as "their" money.

Marmite if they are married then the bargain was to share everything. See the wedding vows.

If not married then I guess it depends on what the conversation was when the SAHP stopped work - was it "we will share everything" or was it "I'll look after DC and you'll make sure bills are covered" - I'd certainly want the former before giving up work, though you're clearly happy with the latter. But as I say if they are married the former has already been agreed.

"I think money to spend on yourself is nice but not an automatic right" - if money is tight then I agree, but if that's not the case then is it really right that one partner can have haircuts and the other can't? or that one can choose to have nice food they like and the other can't?

Porto, I get 'pocket money' and I am perfectly happy thank you. Your post is very judgmental of how others live. It is just an expression, but I will ask my husband to refer to it as 'my after tax, bills etc. disposable income' in future shall I?