Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH controlling finances, is it fair?

382 replies

ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 19:36

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' Hmm.

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 17/08/2014 14:06

It's appalling that you came to a joint decision for you to be a SAHM, while all the time his attitude was 'it's my money, I earned it'. You were on a hiding to nothing: which you didn't know until it was too late.

What does he think you are - rent-a-family? Wife and children for one low cost monthly payment? And when he's paid his monthly fee, he can look down on you because you aren't earning money yourself.

He can also happily watch his children go without proper clothing and haircuts, while he joins a gym and buys football tickets, because 'it's his money'.

You know this isn't right, ItWas.

FairPhyllis · 17/08/2014 14:10

This is financial abuse - and the confirmation of that is the way he reacted when you mentioned it explicitly. A normal person would be horrified their partner was feeling that way and would do everything possible to reassure them and change the situation. An abuser's first reaction is to tell you you are crazy or overdramatic.

I would contact Women's Aid to talk about it and options for leaving - don't feel you are any less worthy of their time because there is no physical abuse happening.

Lottiedoubtie · 17/08/2014 14:21

What does he say when you tell him the money you want to spend is for his children? Does he really not see that their haircuts etc...etc... Need to come out of family money?

OP you asked earlier about whether or not it was selfish to want to be a SAHM? No is the answer.

But it is unsustainable if the working partner is an arse. And sadly it looks like yours is.

Work seems to be the most effective way out for you. I know it's not what you planned, and it isn't fair, but I think you working FT with the kids in childcare and seeing DH for contact is preferable to them growing up going without essentials whilst DH lives in comparative luxury.

Pugaboo · 17/08/2014 14:34

I bet he thinks you "do nothing" all day too.

And accuses you of "always" getting x and y wrong.

This relationship is not good for you. I'm sorry.

Pinkrose1 · 17/08/2014 15:40

Nice one wizard!

Fluffyears · 17/08/2014 15:48

If his wages are 'his money' then you maternity pay and child benefit etc must be 'your money' how come he gets the lions share of that? Oh no that is wrong. Get the money paid to you and if he says he's short suggest he budgets better.

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 16:39

Absolutely.the SMP is your money,paid by your employer.make it credit to your sole account
Set up sole account,for child benefit and SMP

ilovesooty · 17/08/2014 16:48

I'm struggling to see how this abusive bully has any redeeming features and is "otherwise a good husband and father"

HopefulHamster · 17/08/2014 17:00

That's terrifying OP, how can he not realised that if you worked he would have to pay 50% of childcare? You're saving him that at the moment.

He's outrageous. It's a LTB from me I'm afraid. I know it's trotted out a lot but I can't believe he can even justify that to himself.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 17/08/2014 17:06

OP, you can do so much better than this selfish bastard. Really and truly.

AnnieLobeseder · 17/08/2014 17:12

OP, please call his bluff. Tell him you're going to go back to work full time and ask him how he expects childcare costs to be split. If he tells you that he expects you to finance the lot, then that tells you everything you need to know about where he sees himself within your family unit: ie, he doesn't see himself as part of it at all.

I agree absolutely with Lottiedoubtie. It may not be what you wanted or planned, but neither you nor the children will see much benefit from you staying at home any longer if your DH is determined to be such a selfish prick. You will all be far better off if you go back to work full time and remove yourself and your children from any need to suffer any further financial abuse at his hands.

AnnieLobeseder · 17/08/2014 17:15

Oh, and I'm sure you realise that your abuser telling you that "it's not abuse" doesn't for one second mean that you're not being abused. It's highly unlikely he would admit it even if he did realise it.

Another tactic - could you ask him to speak to work colleagues, family, friends etc with one WOHP and one SAHP about their financial set-up, so he can see how bizarre and far removed from normality his idea of "fair" is.

MrsHathaway · 17/08/2014 17:19

I have absolutely no doubt that if OP returned to work, he would reduce his contribution into the joint account accordingly (ie by around half). But he would consider the cost and logistics of childcare to be OP's sole responsibility.

But any money left after paying for full time childcare, half a mortgage, half a council tax bill, half of all the utility bills, nearly all the groceries, all the children's clothes, shoes and any toys ... why then she'll be living it up. So she can afford to start paying him back her share of their living expenses during the SAHMing years. And because she will be earning more than him, he will deserve better Christmas presents (etc) than she does.

Honestly, that's the logical conclusion of his position, and one MN has seen enacted in various guises a dozen times.

biscuitsandbandages · 17/08/2014 17:23

He is being ridiculous.

We are married. One family. Our finances are joint. Our expenses are joint.

Whether im working full or part time or on maternity leave all our income goes into the jpint account and all bills and family spending comes out of that. If one of us needs clothes or a haircut or fancies a new book we buy it with joint money. We trust each other to judge if the family can afford it or not. We each have our own accounts and standing orders set up to pay 15/week into each which we use mainly so we have our own money to buy each other presents with! If there is money left over at the end of the month it is transferred to a joint saving account for emergencies.

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 17:24

Hi everyone, I've been looking at financial abuse and am struggling to see how DH fits with the below description (from LWA website).

Taking money from them
Not allowing them access to shared money
Making them account for everything spent
Making them beg for money
Preventing them from gaining employment
Causing them to lose, or forcing them to give up, employment
Taking out loans, credit cards or running up debts in the victim’s name
Forcing them to commit crimes for money
Not allowing them to buy necessities, for themselves or their children, including sufficient food
Financial abuse can also be when the perpetrator is spending money needed to maintain the home on themselves

It sounds crap but I think I am going to write him a letter detailing how I feel and what I expect from our relationship.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 17/08/2014 17:27

He has admitted to being a domestic abuse perpetrator and said he will not change.

The only way forward for me would be ltb.

I would have lost all respect for him and the love would have gone straight away.

There really is no other option.

MrsHathaway · 17/08/2014 17:28

OP he ticks at least five of those boxes.

KittiesInsane · 17/08/2014 17:30

*DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes*

That's where he fits the description, OP. Your combined family income is a shared asset, and he is only allowing you access to part of it, while he has access to the whole.

petalsandstars · 17/08/2014 17:38

Cross post - from that list.

At least.

not allowing access to shared money - do you get all the mat pay/child benefit? No.

Forcing then to give up employment - you both decided for you to SAH - but he declined to tell you he would not share "his wage" - would you have made the same decision if you knew that? No.

Making them beg for money - you don't bother asking as he will react badly if you do.

Taking money from them - again do you have all the mat pay/cb? No

Not allowing them to buy necessities food/clothing - for them or children - this happens - no haircuts and having to buy your own food from that pocket money.

Spending money needed to maintain the home on themselves - he can buy takeaway and whatever but not provide for his children.

Fairylea · 17/08/2014 17:52

I can see lots of examples from what you've posted on that list.

You need to go through what you've said and link them.

It's definitely abusive. The final nail in the coffin is that he won't change. At all.

Gen35 · 17/08/2014 17:54

Agree with the other posters about the criteria he fits. I worry about your other family and friends that you think it's normal not to be able to get your hair done for months on end and have to give up maternity pay and cb, he's been getting away with it because you don't have normal expectations or backup reinforcing what's normal

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 17:59

Start to look for ft job.look for nursery for your children.get yourself means of finance
If you two remain together things must change.it cannot be sustained as is
Hes encouraging you return to work,so do so.start looking for nursery and look into wait lists

HazleNutt · 17/08/2014 18:08

How does he fit in with the list?

Not allowing them access to shared money
You both decided that you will be SAHM and he will earn the money - therefore whatever he earns IS shared money. Do you have full access to it?

Making them account for everything spent. Making them beg for money
He said that you have to ask him for money if you want to buy anything. But you feel that you can't.

Not allowing them to buy necessities, for themselves or their children, including sufficient food
You have said you can't buy appropriate food and clothes for your children, as he moans if you use the shared account.

Go back to work. (I had a bottle refuser too, but your DD2 will be weaned soon and can manage with morning-evening-night BF, and can use sippy or open cups.) Make damn sure he pays half the childcare. Then LTB.

Darkesteyes · 17/08/2014 18:13

Am appalled at his treatment of you OP.

As for going back to work what about the cost of travelling to job interviews. Clothes for work such as new blouses, skirts or shoes if required. The cost of travelling to and from work for the first month before she gets paid.

I cant see how the £60 a month even covers things now let alone with adding all this into the equation.

So how is the OP supposed to even start the process when hes made damn sure she cant afford to.

you ARE being financially abused OP Please call Womens Aid.

Mini05 · 17/08/2014 18:22

Itwas

Please do the calculations!!
Child maintence
Child benefit
Working tax credit
Pt wage
Add this up and see exactly what you would have to live off

What he is not seeing as others have said is he gets
Tea on the table (from work)
Good nights sleep ( which you don't get)
Ironing done for him
Child care costs( doesn't do as much as you, you 5 days plus 2 shared days)
Clean house(cleaning duties)
Shopping
Clothes washing

All he does is go to work ( which is a damn sight easier than babies and chores). Ask him to swopp. Not a bloody chance

And he as a cheek to give you £60!!! Slave pay
How on earth are you suppose to buy things for yourself and dd's on £15 week!!!!!

When you go back to work pt , is that money yours? Or the joint account
Because if it's the joints, tell him to fuck off he's a miser and control freak!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread