DH controlling finances, is it fair?

[ItWasMyOwnSilence]

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' .

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

If I said to DH (yes married) please can I have £50 to get my hair done or £10 to get some bibs or £2 to get a Freefrom treat then I don't doubt for a moment he would give it to me, but like I said to him I don't want to have to ask him, I want to have the money available to me to buy it for myself.

DH will often come back with treats and nice food for me. As much as I enjoy them I see them as wasted money.

All I can say is it works for me and my family. I don't feel as though I am or ever have been the weaker party.

So where is this elusive money he's treating you with then? Because as I understand it you haven't been able to get your hair done or even buy bowls and spoons for weaning the baby.

In his current account or credit card fairy

Sorry cross posted.

He's being incredibly unfair.

How much spending money does he have exactly? Do you even know?

Sorry, Silence, I don't understand. Your husband gives you access to money for non-essentials and buys them for you. BUT you think they are a waste of money?

No idea
Not loads, but significantly more than my £60.

I get 'pocket money' and I am perfectly happy thank you

You're sounding more and more like a surrendered wife.

But you want money for them

Fuck off, Chipped

Marmite, but the same goes for you - you are entitled to an equal share of the disposable household income. SAHP are WORKING too.

Hmm. Tricky.

I look after all out money, and dole out pocket money to both of us (we have the same amount) and then what's left in joint accounts tear we have saved is for food, boys cloths, etc etc.

Actually works really really well.

Maybe ask him if he can be a bit fairer?

OP says her DH "treats" her with non-essentials and expects her to be"grateful" that he does. When she would prefer as an adult sentient being to decide for herself how the money was spent.

To go back to a previous posters question.

Why not just buy the weaning spoons or get your hair done. What are you worried would happen?

Because there must be a reason why you don't feel entitled to spend family money.

On Mat leave DH covered all bills, food and purchase for our daughter. My mat pay was used for whatever I needed and saved up in both our ISAs. I didn't need 'pocket money' from DH as I had enough and he paid the joint credit card bill. But if I had needed money he wouldn't have turned a hair.

Did your husband teach you that witty response Marmite, in case you have a conversation with anyone not living in 1954?

Good luck OP, I'd be planning to get back to work and regain your financial independence and power asap if I were you. Your DH hasn't got you or your family's best interests at heart.

Nail on the head porto

Have you asked him how he would feel if you were to return to work and gave him the £60 he gives you whilst you keep the rest of your significantly higher amount spending money? What does he say to that?

In all honesty I think you are bashing your head against a brick wall because he is an abusive bully. Not having equal spending money in a family situation where one parent isn't working is absolutely fundamentally wrong because it says that the person at home doesn't deserve respect for their role.

Out of interest how much free time does he have? Often in these situations the abusive partner just buggers off out willy nilly knowing the op or sahm will be the default parent. They don't think they need to check they either have plans of their own or mind looking after the dc as they just assume they will. Is that the case here? Do you have equal leisure time? That also shows a lot about respect and partnership in a relationship.

He admitted that being in control and treating you like a child makes him feel "nice and good about himself".

yuck.

I get what you are saying Porto, but I do feel that as long as we have what we need, the rest is not a big issue. Sorry about my language, I was just mad a Chipped assumption

No Chipped, but I did learn a long time ago not to make judgements about other peoples' lives.

Trouble is Marmite,it becomes seen as "normal" that the person who is working owns the money. It is NOT true. It should be family money. Whether you have one bank account for all, or several, and ISAs and Pensions etc, decisions over it all should be family ones, and no partner should have more free cash to spend than the other.

littlebear the only 'family money' I have access to is in the joint account. There is only enough money in the joint account to cover mortgage / bills / food / petrol.

I am currently saving £20 a month of my 'pocket money' to get my hair done. So hopefully will be able to afford it in time for Xmas.

Yes I could potentially have brought the weaning things on the joint account but I worried about leaving us short for the rest of the month.

Sorry to drip feed - when I spoke to DH earlier he said he would order me a duplicate credit card (is this what it's called?), which I guess is a good thing. He said I can spend what' I want on it.

But where do the repayments come from? Not from the joint account presumably?

Re leisure time - I have non, but I have a depended ebf baby, so that is to be expected.

DH plays sport once a week and is planning to go to the gym 3 times a week. I am fine with this.

Go back to work ft.start to accrue some savings.set up separate accounts