Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH controlling finances, is it fair?

382 replies

ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 19:36

DH and I have 2 DDs (2yo and 5mo). I gave up my job when we had DD1 to be a (mostly) SAHM, with the plan to get a small part time job when she was around 8months, this was a joint decision.

Fast forward to 5 months after the birth of DD2, I am on maternity leave from my part time job. My maternity pay of £110 per week goes straight into our joint account which covers mortgage / bills etc. DH gives me £60 a month 'pocket money' Hmm.

DH sees the money he earns very much as 'his money'. He pays into our joint account enough to cover bills / mortgage / food shopping etc. we never have anything left at the end of the month in this account.

DH spends his money how he wishes, he spends a lot of money of take aways, snacks, treats, drinks and recently brought a football ticket and has joined a gym.

My 'pocket money' mainly goes on birthday presents for family / friends and lunch etc when I meet friends with DD's. Oh and last month I brought myself a couple of tops off eBay (which I needed for breastfeeding). I have not had my hair done in almost a year and am wearing nursing bras which don't fit.

I am currently wheat/dairy/egg/soya free due to breastfeeding DD2 who has allergies. DH moaned when I brought some (obviously expensive) free from food for myself using the joint account so I now use my 'pocket money' to buy the majority of my food.

I feel resentful of DH having money to spend on whatever he wants (within reason) when DD2 is mainly wearing babygrows as she needs more clothes and DD1 really needs a haircut. I also have not brought DD2 any bowls / spoons etc for weaning as I don't think our joint account can afford it.

When DH comes back from the shop with puddings / beer it makes me feel angry - that money could have been spent on something we need.

Whenever I question DH asking 'can we afford that?' he gets very defensive and says 'it's my money I work hard for it and I'll spend it how I like'.

AIBU to think that DH should stop spending his disposable income like a teenager with no other responsibilities? And that it is OUR money, not his?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 11:33

You are both parents,he needs to contribute his larger income to buying items for your children
Parental responsibilities are financial,emotional,practical he cannot relinquish it to you
Your mat pay,is yours.paid by your employer to you.the other finances need addressed

Lweji · 17/08/2014 11:35

You should be able to buy things for you without bothering him.

Both of you should be buying things for DS. In fact, he should be paying, as he's the one earning the money.

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 12:05

If parents are solvent shouldnt be worrying about purchases,hes not skint.hes tight

VeryStressedMum · 17/08/2014 12:08

Wow. £60 a month would be great if it were for you to use on going out, hairdressers and other treats because you and your dcs had everything else you need, but you are your dcs do not have everything you need.
This is very wrong that he is buying take aways while his children do not have clothes or a haircut, not to mention the things you need that you cannot afford to buy yourself.

You need to know how much he earns and how much is left after all bills are paid. If it were my dh, if he didn't tell me this I'd be keeping all the maternity pay plus the child benefit and he can sort all the finances out himself without contribution from me.

ADinnerofHerbs · 17/08/2014 12:21

You are definitely not being unreasonable and I realky feel for you as this is how my in laws view me and would like me to be treated. They refer to my home and everything in it by prefixing it with my husband's name! So it is John's garden, John's loo etc. I don't earn therefore I am a non person. It is horrible. My husband is completely different and I have full access to/say in all finances and spend what I like. Within reason, of course. I have defended myself countless times to my relatives and it has made no difference. Now I avoid them where possible. This definitely needs tackling and nipping in the bud now and lots of good advice given as to how. I just wanted to say that I completely understand, albeit from a different perspective and I really hope things improve for you and your role in the family is given the respect it should be.

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 12:26

Your children need clothes,your girl needs haircut.he is denying you adequate money
Hes got disposable income for gym,football season ticket,things for himself
But he limits your spending,expects you to pay for shared meals socially

Go back to work,look for a ft job,get some more money that is yours
He can pay nursery costs when you're working ft.and he should pay more if he earn more

Gen35 · 17/08/2014 12:28

After I had dd I went through a period of feeling lousy about myself, my hair etc and my dh encouraged me to try several hairdressers until I eventually found one that made me feel good, that's what a loving partner does. You believe he's a good man, if so, he needs to change and show that he cares about you. If you are really both so skint that personal spending is a complete no-no, a full review of the finances is the only way to see where money should be spent/cut back. Maybe you need a mortgage holiday until you go back to work, hard to say based on him not telling you much. Hope your parents can be a bit more supportive of you emotionally...

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 12:53

You used to earn equivalent to him.go back to work.get your own money.
you'll not be dependent on him,youlll have own income,go hairdresser.
And he'll have to pay his share nursery costs too.

Fairylea · 17/08/2014 13:13

It's all well and good everyone advising op to go back to work but that's not going to solve the underlying issue that her dh does not respect her or see her as equal. Yes having a job and an independent income would help the op to leave but to get a job and stay in the relationship is like sticking a plaster over a crater.

Original poster
ItWasMyOwnSilence · 17/08/2014 13:14

Quick update...

Before I left for my parents I said I would be changing the CB to get paid directly into my account so I could buy things for DDs.

DH said I was being unfair as I was costing him an extra £130 a month of his money and he would not be able to give me my £60 any more. I said fine.

I said I feel worthless and like he does not value my 'work' looking after DDs. He said if I feel this way then to go back to work to earn my own money (not really possible as DD2 is ebf, won't take a bottle).

I asked him why it was 'his' money, not our family's money, he said because he earns it and he works hard for it. I don't see how we can get past his thinking like this.

He said he never denies me anything and if I want something I should ask for it. He also said he wants me to be financial independent and I should go back to work.

He says he is being generous giving me spending money and there is no way he will consider 'pooling' all the money so we get an equal share.

I brought up financial abuse and he immediately talked me down, said I was ridiculous, over dramatising like I always do and said there was no way he was financial abusing me as I am given spending money and have access to our joint account and have the opportunity to work and earn my own money.

So there you go ladies. No leeway. If I want to get out of this situation it looks like I'll either have to leave him (I have no idea how or even if I can / want to) or put up with it until I go back to work.

I worry about the effect of my DD's living in an unhappy house.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 17/08/2014 13:17

I would leave him to be honest. I don't say that lightly.

Your daughters will be better off being raised by separate but happy parents than they will be growing up in such an unhappy home.

Your husband sounds an utter wanker.

Fairylea · 17/08/2014 13:17

I'd copy and paste some of this thread to show him how ridiculous he's being. Edit anything you don't want to share. If he refuses to change I really don't see how you can continue to be with him.

puntasticusername · 17/08/2014 13:19

You know when you read a post on mn and you just entirely Hulk out for a moment?

Yeah. That.

OP, have you given any more thought to listing everything you do as a SAHM and putting a monetary value on it? As you say, he's just not getting it atm. If you could open a conversation by slapping a spreadsheet down in front of him and saying "Here. Look, if I wasn't at home doing all these things, you'd have to pay other people around £35k to do them. Now then, shall we talk again about exactly how the fuck you can manage to see even OUR CHILDREN'S CHILD BENEFIT as being "yours" simply because you're the one who happens to be in external, paid employment atm?".

pinkyredrose · 17/08/2014 13:19

scottishmummy she already is working bringing up 2 DC. Plus her getting a job so she has her own wage does not address her husbands bullying ways.

puntasticusername · 17/08/2014 13:21

That's £35k per annum, obv.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2014 13:23

I would read up on financial abuse (I would call this financial abuse) and have this moved to Relationships. Its a relationship issue rather than an AIBU one.

soverylucky · 17/08/2014 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2014 13:27

"So there you go ladies. No leeway. If I want to get out of this situation it looks like I'll either have to leave him (I have no idea how or even if I can / want to) or put up with it until I go back to work".

I doubt very much that he would make any return to work easy for you to achieve, he enjoys the power and control imbalance he has over you.
Financial abuse also can occur in marriages as a means to have control over a partner in order to make him feel hopeless enough to never leave.
One partner might not allow the other to have access to any of the household money, or he might give only a small allowance. He might even confiscate the victim’s own pay or other means of personal funds. In some cases, a person might force a spouse to quit a job, or he might cause disruptions in the workplace to get the victim fired. Another potential instance is when one partner purposely accumulates large amounts of debt using joint checking or credit accounts.

Do not put up with this, staying with a financially abusive man is no option at all and no life for your children to be witnessing either. I would be calling Womens Aid as well on 0808 2000 247.

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 13:29

Pinky,I have read the thread.sbe has2day week wage.she used to earn same as him
Im suggesting work ft,earn more.keep it in own account.be less dependent upon him
Having access to own money will lessen dependence.you're right that the here and now needs addressed

Agggghast · 17/08/2014 13:29

I would print off the cost of child are and inform him that he will be responsible for 50%. That will be a lot more than £190. Make it clear that you returning to work will cost him more.

Have you discussed this with your parents? Do they will be able to emotionally support you. Get in contact with your old friends. Most of all be kind to yourself, he clearly isn't kind to you.

The big problem is that people who are being treated badly start to think it is normal to behave like that. To the point a loving father would notice his child needed a hair cut and would at least suggest it was sorted. Good luck.

morethanpotatoprints · 17/08/2014 13:36

It isn't his money OP, it is the family money.
I couldn't live with a man like this for one day, he is a total controlling ass.
Ask for full control of the family money, give him pocket money, you manage the whole lot or LTB I say.

JennyCalendar · 17/08/2014 13:37

OP, I'm so sorry you are in this appalling situation.

The crux of it is that he does not see the four of you as a unit. In a family unit each member should have the same standard of living, not some people pigging out on takeaways while others scraping pennies together for essentials.

He should be ashamed of himself, the selfish prick.

For context, I am the single earner in my house. DH is the SAHD to our toddler. We talk finances every month. He gets the child benefit. I pay all bills. DH tells me what he needs for food to feed us all. We then each have £100 pm for extras and I squirrel away the rest into savings for unexpected purchases and a holiday. I check in with DH halfway through the month about how the money is going and whether he needs more. If he does, I transfer more, no quibbles, even if it means going into my splash money as I would rather forgo a treat to ensure that DH isn't worrying about whether he can afford washing powder this week or whether he needs to wait another week. This is because I respect him and view him as an equal.

If your 'D'H doesn't have a lightbulb moment soon, then he needs to be kicked to the curb, where it will cost him a hell of a lot more. You and your children deserve better.

iamdivergent · 17/08/2014 13:38

This is financial abuse.

We have one joint account that everything goes into, no separate accounts and a transparent financial situation. We both pay all bills/food/kids expenses/birthday presents. So no one feels resentful.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2014 13:42

I would be inclined to go on the CSA calculator and show him what splitting up will cost him, a damned sight more than £60 a month!

scottishmummy · 17/08/2014 13:42

Suggestion op control finances give him pocket moneyis equally controlling and oppressive
Its inappropriate that an adult gets pocket money.as wage earner he has salary not pocket money
Essentially he's solvent,but choosing not to prioritise his family needs.to extent kids needs clothes and haircut

Swipe left for the next trending thread