BIL/SIL- are we being unreasonable? (warning- very long)

[iamsoannoyed]

This is more of a vent than AIBU. I know it's a difficult situation all round and we are all probably being a bit unreasonable.

I've posted about BIL/SIL before. SIL has a progressive degenerative disease, BIL is her main carer (their choice, they have refused to have help) and they have a large family (6 children). We had a problem earlier this year, as for a number of years now BIL has unable to work the family farm due as he was caring for his wife(FIL signed it over equally to DH and BIL), leaving DH to do it all. There were issues as DH was exhausted by doing all the work but BIL not happy to pay someone to do his share of the work.

Anyway, we have recently bought out their share of the farm, after a long tussle all round as to what was best. I know BIL/SIL were not entirely happy with the situation, and relations between us have been strained. As BIL refused to consider all other options we had to say "either you buy us out, we buy you out or we force the sale of the farm to a 3rd party". BIL could not raise the cash to buy us out, so we bought him out. PIL were upset, but understood things could not carry on as they were, and FIL in particular was angry that BIL would not agree to any other form of compromise that would allow the shared partnership to continue.

SIL is not so well at the moment, and I know she has been relying on MIL to do a lot of extra childcare. Totally understandable, and I am fully aware their arrangements have nothing to do with me. It does mean DC's have seen less of their GPs than normal, but that's not a big issue really and we all understand that at the moment that's kind of the way things are.

I have a conference (3 days- but will be away 4 nights) coming up which is for work, it was arranged a while ago and PIL have agreed to take our DCs while DH gets on with work- they are going to stay at my parents holiday cottage for 10 days and DCs are very excited about this. I should point out that our DCs are only going to spend 4 days with PIL, and then go to my parents for 3 days, who are then going to bring them home. PIL are then going to have the other 6 days as a break on their own. PIL have also said they are looking forward to spending time with their DGCs and to getting a break on their own.

PIL volunteered to take them away, that was not our idea and we would have been happy if they had only been looking after them during the day time when DH was working (and obviously if they hadn't wanted to look after the DCs, we'd have organised some other form of childcare).

Anyway, BIL and SIL are now kicking up a fuss as they want MIL to look after their DCs that week- they have known about this for ages and have had plenty of time to arrange something else. They "forgot" apparently, and now don't want to look elsewhere as "nothing good" will be available at this short notice.

They think as PIL will not lose any money on the cottage as it is owned by my parents, they should just cancel. SIL has said she can't understand why we always get "preferential treatment" and nobody ever thinks about all the extra needs she has. I know the recent situation where PIL essentially "took our side" must make them feel raw, but PIL have done an awful lot for us all and don't deserve to be put in the middle of this. If anything, until recent events I'd say theve done more for BILs family than for DH and our family (and I don't have an issue with that, just stating a fact). This includes building BIL/SIL a custom designed house shortly after SILs mobility became problematic, as well as doing a lot of childcare over the years.

PIL are adamant they are going, but MIL feels guilty that BIL/SIL feel that way and doesn't want any more upset in the family. FIL feels angry that BIL/SIL are being manipulative and has told them so. I think things may have got quite heated, but as neither I, DH or MIL were there at the time, I can't be sure.

SIlL has since phoned and demanded I tell PIL that we have found alternative childcare, so don't need them anymore. She says she's fed up of DH coming before BIL, and our DC "have got everything". Not only that, she is "flabbergasted" that we would expect her and BIL to have to arrange extra childcare on top of everything else they have to deal with- they thought PIL would want to be there for them at this time and are hurt they would want to take our DC away when they and their DCs need help.

I'm afraid I wasn't very diplomatic, partly because I'm fed up of them refusing to take responsibility for anything and partly because I felt that she was laying it on a bit thickly. I said that I had no intention of telling PIL any such thing and that as I don't interfere with their arrangements with PIL, I don't really see why they should interfere with ours. I also said that they have had plenty of time to arrange childcare, and I don't see why my DCs have to miss out on their time with their GPs. I got quite cross, but was not rude and didn't shout. SIL said we were all being "selfish" and then hung up. BIL then phoned DH and PIL saying I'd upset SIL and "that's the last thing she needs".

I might be more understanding if this had been a last minute plan, or BIL/SIL hadn't been able to find childcare despite trying exhaustively. But as they haven't I feel it's a bit of a piss-take. I also think my DC should get time to spend with their GPs, and that to cancel would be unfair. On top of all that, PIL deserve a break- recent events and looking after their grandchildren more often has taken it's toll. I think it is selfish of BIL and SIL to expect the entire family to revolve around them, when they have the ability to get extra help but refuse to do so.

That said, I think BIL and SIL are both quite stressed, and I know are quite resentful towards us following recent events which is colouring things. I was a bit sharper than I'd intended to be with SIL and I didn't intend to upset her. DH agrees with me on the whole, but does feel guilty that BIL thinks he is being favoured by their parents.

I saw them today when they came round, and SIL started up again about us cancelling this. I said I had said everything I had to say on the matter when we last spoke about it, and thought we should leave it at that. SIL then burst into tears and they left. I now feel bad about upsetting them, but also angry with them.

I don't think we've been unreasonable not to cancel arrangements, and I do get why they feel the way they do, even if I don't agree with them.

I think it would be better if we just let things settle between us all, and gave BIL/SIL some space- DH wonders if we should "do more". I'm not in favour of this, as past experience suggests if we start down that road again, it will just prevent them getting the help they need and it will become expected that we'll do whatever they need regardless of the effects it has on us and our DC (which is what happened with the farm business). Also, as we both work full-time what we could do is actually quite limited. I'm happy to help out in emergencies, or now and again- just not for it to become a "drop everything every time they call situation" which is what I fear it would become.

AIBU?

PS Sorry for the epically long post!

[travailtotravel]

Glad the kids got away. I fear, iamsoannoyed that things will get worse before they get better unless there are much clearer boundaries in place and whenever they start to moan be clear and cut them off. There is an element of a toddler tantrum to this - and a bit of naughty step/timeout/ignorning might help get the point across.

Alternatively, can you sit down again - you, DH, Pils, BIL/SIL - and state that you are sorry that they feel slighted and restate that you are not being favourited. And for PIL to back that up - the amount of time that PILS have spent with BILs kids vs yours etc. Line in the sand for that one.

And again state that they have options about care - and that you respect their choices. To help them plan, you are prepared to do xyz with abc notice ... and hope that helps them with making their plans?

[clam]

So, if your dh had called BIL on exactly what he meant by "favoured once again," how might he have explained it, I wonder?

[diddl]

Must be temptint to say that you'll take their daughter riding if they stop acting like entitled dicks!

Wonder if it's an appointment time that SIL chose.

In which case, was she just assuming that help would be there to take her daughter?

[Clutterbugsmum]

Glad you managed to sort out ownership of the farm so you are all secure.

Although I am confused as to why you BIL/SIL need so much 'help' as I thought the whole reason as to why he could not work on the farm was because SIL needed help looking after the children as she is Ill.

But it seems he is only looking after SIL and not his whole family.

As it stands they have you all over a barrel, because none of you will want the children to suffer and miss out on their activities.

I don't agree with your DH about you offering to pick up more BIL slack. I do think you and your dh (and maybe PIL) need to decide what you realistic what help you can do taking into account both you and DH full time work, and you family as they deserve as much, if not more of any free time you have. And maybe your inlaws can just commit to say 3 days a week helping with the children and letting/making BIL look after his own home.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I think you all sound like saints!

Yes, I understand how difficult it is.

My dsis has been extremely ill and in the worst times we did it all; up at 5am to drive to hers to take the dc to school etc, etc.

Now, though, when she's able to do it herself, she does. There's no question of needing or wanting the same level of help from us all.

I think your dh needs to confront BIL about this favouritism shit.

And if that means spelling out exactly what everyone does for them, so be it. It doesn't have to be in an accusatory way but sometimes people can't see the woods for the trees!

[diddl]

I doubt that bil will get it though.

He probably thinks that what everyone does is help that they need.

as opposed to taking GC away "unnecessarily" iyswim.