BIL/SIL- are we being unreasonable? (warning- very long)

[iamsoannoyed]

This is more of a vent than AIBU. I know it's a difficult situation all round and we are all probably being a bit unreasonable.

I've posted about BIL/SIL before. SIL has a progressive degenerative disease, BIL is her main carer (their choice, they have refused to have help) and they have a large family (6 children). We had a problem earlier this year, as for a number of years now BIL has unable to work the family farm due as he was caring for his wife(FIL signed it over equally to DH and BIL), leaving DH to do it all. There were issues as DH was exhausted by doing all the work but BIL not happy to pay someone to do his share of the work.

Anyway, we have recently bought out their share of the farm, after a long tussle all round as to what was best. I know BIL/SIL were not entirely happy with the situation, and relations between us have been strained. As BIL refused to consider all other options we had to say "either you buy us out, we buy you out or we force the sale of the farm to a 3rd party". BIL could not raise the cash to buy us out, so we bought him out. PIL were upset, but understood things could not carry on as they were, and FIL in particular was angry that BIL would not agree to any other form of compromise that would allow the shared partnership to continue.

SIL is not so well at the moment, and I know she has been relying on MIL to do a lot of extra childcare. Totally understandable, and I am fully aware their arrangements have nothing to do with me. It does mean DC's have seen less of their GPs than normal, but that's not a big issue really and we all understand that at the moment that's kind of the way things are.

I have a conference (3 days- but will be away 4 nights) coming up which is for work, it was arranged a while ago and PIL have agreed to take our DCs while DH gets on with work- they are going to stay at my parents holiday cottage for 10 days and DCs are very excited about this. I should point out that our DCs are only going to spend 4 days with PIL, and then go to my parents for 3 days, who are then going to bring them home. PIL are then going to have the other 6 days as a break on their own. PIL have also said they are looking forward to spending time with their DGCs and to getting a break on their own.

PIL volunteered to take them away, that was not our idea and we would have been happy if they had only been looking after them during the day time when DH was working (and obviously if they hadn't wanted to look after the DCs, we'd have organised some other form of childcare).

Anyway, BIL and SIL are now kicking up a fuss as they want MIL to look after their DCs that week- they have known about this for ages and have had plenty of time to arrange something else. They "forgot" apparently, and now don't want to look elsewhere as "nothing good" will be available at this short notice.

They think as PIL will not lose any money on the cottage as it is owned by my parents, they should just cancel. SIL has said she can't understand why we always get "preferential treatment" and nobody ever thinks about all the extra needs she has. I know the recent situation where PIL essentially "took our side" must make them feel raw, but PIL have done an awful lot for us all and don't deserve to be put in the middle of this. If anything, until recent events I'd say theve done more for BILs family than for DH and our family (and I don't have an issue with that, just stating a fact). This includes building BIL/SIL a custom designed house shortly after SILs mobility became problematic, as well as doing a lot of childcare over the years.

PIL are adamant they are going, but MIL feels guilty that BIL/SIL feel that way and doesn't want any more upset in the family. FIL feels angry that BIL/SIL are being manipulative and has told them so. I think things may have got quite heated, but as neither I, DH or MIL were there at the time, I can't be sure.

SIlL has since phoned and demanded I tell PIL that we have found alternative childcare, so don't need them anymore. She says she's fed up of DH coming before BIL, and our DC "have got everything". Not only that, she is "flabbergasted" that we would expect her and BIL to have to arrange extra childcare on top of everything else they have to deal with- they thought PIL would want to be there for them at this time and are hurt they would want to take our DC away when they and their DCs need help.

I'm afraid I wasn't very diplomatic, partly because I'm fed up of them refusing to take responsibility for anything and partly because I felt that she was laying it on a bit thickly. I said that I had no intention of telling PIL any such thing and that as I don't interfere with their arrangements with PIL, I don't really see why they should interfere with ours. I also said that they have had plenty of time to arrange childcare, and I don't see why my DCs have to miss out on their time with their GPs. I got quite cross, but was not rude and didn't shout. SIL said we were all being "selfish" and then hung up. BIL then phoned DH and PIL saying I'd upset SIL and "that's the last thing she needs".

I might be more understanding if this had been a last minute plan, or BIL/SIL hadn't been able to find childcare despite trying exhaustively. But as they haven't I feel it's a bit of a piss-take. I also think my DC should get time to spend with their GPs, and that to cancel would be unfair. On top of all that, PIL deserve a break- recent events and looking after their grandchildren more often has taken it's toll. I think it is selfish of BIL and SIL to expect the entire family to revolve around them, when they have the ability to get extra help but refuse to do so.

That said, I think BIL and SIL are both quite stressed, and I know are quite resentful towards us following recent events which is colouring things. I was a bit sharper than I'd intended to be with SIL and I didn't intend to upset her. DH agrees with me on the whole, but does feel guilty that BIL thinks he is being favoured by their parents.

I saw them today when they came round, and SIL started up again about us cancelling this. I said I had said everything I had to say on the matter when we last spoke about it, and thought we should leave it at that. SIL then burst into tears and they left. I now feel bad about upsetting them, but also angry with them.

I don't think we've been unreasonable not to cancel arrangements, and I do get why they feel the way they do, even if I don't agree with them.

I think it would be better if we just let things settle between us all, and gave BIL/SIL some space- DH wonders if we should "do more". I'm not in favour of this, as past experience suggests if we start down that road again, it will just prevent them getting the help they need and it will become expected that we'll do whatever they need regardless of the effects it has on us and our DC (which is what happened with the farm business). Also, as we both work full-time what we could do is actually quite limited. I'm happy to help out in emergencies, or now and again- just not for it to become a "drop everything every time they call situation" which is what I fear it would become.

AIBU?

PS Sorry for the epically long post!

[BackforGood]

Yes, now it's come out how old they are, then I can't see that they would need anyone to 'look after' them for 3 or 4 days, when both parents are still actually there. I too had assumed babies and toddlers.

[eddielizzard]

yes, me too.

as uncharitable as it sounds, i think your sil doing a little bit of attention seeking / controlling.

[ValerieTheVodkaFairy]

Wow, I had though that at least 2 or 3 of the children were younger than primary school age

makes their behaviour even more ridiculous

[weegiemum]

Another one pleased to hear the Farm situation was sorted out.

I have a degenerative neuro illness related to ms, have mobility issues and the future will be worse. I'm a wheelchair user some of the time, and only work part time now.

We have chosen to use my DLA in order to get in a PA for me - she cleans, cooks, transports me about, helps with writing on the days my hands don't work etc etc etc. yes, she was a stranger, but now she's a friend and colleague!

Just because I'm disabled doesn't mean I have a monopoly on help, care. Etc. we choose to live 60 miles from my parents, further from MIL (who is in NI while we're in Scotland). My parents do no regular care for anyone (though I could call them now and they'd be here in 90 mins!), MIL helps Bil's family all the time, and does occasional weeks with us (though she happily dropped everything and was on the next flight when I broke my leg in a fall in May).

It's just not the big deal for us it is for your in-laws. We get help we need, sometimes we buy it, sometimes it's family.

You are not being unreasonable. Pre-booked stuff takes priority (unless you fall and break your leg!! ). Breaks are essential. If you have a progressive problem, better getting help in sooner and get used to it, you're going to need it one day (and now my 3 dc are really fond of Isabella, my PA). Your inlaws are relying on an awful lot of goodwill - it sounds like they're really in denial about the seriousness and future of your sil's MS, if they early think family based care is sustainable!

[ikeaismylocal]

Yanbu at all. The children are not even little, yes they probably won't have a hugely stimulating or fun time with bil looking after sil and the 5 kids but it's not like they are toddlers and need constant supervision, when I read your op I assumed the children were mostly pre-school age/babies to need pil's constant help.

What is the situation with sil's parents? I assume sil wants you to ask your parents to look after your dc instead of pil, could her familiy not step in and help withthe younger children?

[Whereisegg]

I am shocked at the ages of the dc, I too thought pre-schoolers.

I am really pleased your pil are sticking to their original plan, I think it will do them the world of good to get a break!

Do you know if your sils family have even been asked to help?

[Purplepoodle]

Your right sticking to their guns. Perhaps someone like a mother aid or childminder in their home might be more acceptable to help out with the kids.

[Groovee]

I presumed they were all little too. At those ages they can manage themselves as my 2 children have to on the days I struggle. They can make toast and various other things to eat until their dad comes home to sort things out.

We just have to muddle through and try not to ask for too much family care. My childminder was a godsend at very difficult times.

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi]

YANBU

I am severely disabled and have six children (I'm not your sil I promise )

My husband is my carer and does everything for the children and around the house (and our dc are younger), so I understand how hard things can be. But being in the same situation means I can also see how incredibly selfish and unreasonable they are being

Well done for standing your ground, don't let them guilt trip or manipulate you

With their attitude they should count themselves lucky they get any help and support at all

[MaryWestmacott]

YANBU - but it's unlikely that it's about that week, or about you, it's just jealously and lashing out at you having the life they thought they'd have. Your SIL's illness has stolen her and her DH's plans, but your plans are still on track. Try not to take it personally.

[Littleturkish]

Do you think they really need the help of PIL? Given their ages, I would hardly think it warrants two adults to care for them plus SIL.

They need to work out a way of being more self sufficient- what will they do if your PIL are no longer able to offer help?

It is grossly unfair to put so much pressure on your PIL.

[Littleturkish]

^^ grossly unfair of your BIL/SIL, not you! Sorry if that was unclear.

[riskit4abiskit]

I also remember your thread and am glad you sorted the farm :).


You are totally right in this situation too!

However I do really feel for your bil. Could you possibly combine keeping your distance but also extend an olive branch and offer a very black and white offer of assistance that they can't take the piss out of? For example having the kids for a weekend afternoon twice a month to give bil a break? (Not that you should feel like you have to do anything at all just it would be nice and also perhaps give pil a break too if they get al those kids foisted onto them too).

[MammaTJ]

The DC are far older than I thought they were! They sooooo do not need ILs to cope with them, or even extra help while your ILs are on hols!

[iamsoannoyed]

To be fair, I don't know if BIL is asking for/needs help with the older ones, but when SIL is struggling I think BIL spends a lot of time helping her and feels he needs help managing the littler ones (keeping them occupied and so on) and also would like their DC to get a break from the situation at home.

I know they also struggle to get older one to activities/friends houses etc when things aren't good and relies on PIL and us to help out with this too.

[RandomMess]

Bloody hell, glad the farm was sorted out.

They are sooooooooooooo taking the piss. My just 12, nearly 11 and nearly 9 year old are often left to fend for themselved for a half a day whilst we work. Why do their youngest 2 need 3 adults to look after them?

I have a friend with a far more debilitating condition than MS (yes really) and do you know what she hates need carers but that is life and you get one with it. Heavens above her & her carer looked after my 3 and entertained them for the day as a favour...

[RandomMess]

I think your SIL & BIL are completely focused on her MS and it's limitations - can she really not be left to her own devices for a few hours at a time whilst BIL does all the childcare? No it's not nice, not ideal, not fun but that is the realisty for most disabled people!

[pictish]

I am totally sympathetic to their situation, but surely they can muddle through a week on their own?
I fear they have become perhaps a little too accustomed to having your pils on tap.

Am I being an ignorant twat in saying that a lot of us have to juggle our time and obligations and also struggle to get our kids places?

[pictish]

I'm not trying to convey that I know their pain here, but one week...they could do one week.

[YellowTulips]

Congratulations on the farm.

Put bluntly your BIL/SIL have chosen not to have additional care (to which they are entitled). That's their choice.

However, having made that choice they cannot dictate the lives of everyone around them to "fill the gap" this decision has created.

Whilst I am sympathetic to their circumstances, I think they also sound very self centred. The whole issue of the farm and a totally inability to see that the situation was untenable was testament to that.

This is really just more of the same and it's not acceptable.

So no, you shouldn't give in. Their behaviour is very manipulative and deeply unattractive.

[Inertia]

Glad the farm was sorted out.

I think your BIL and SIL are being unreasonable here, and sadly it does come across as that they have conjured up or manipulated this situation in order to punish or inconvenience you and DH.

Are SIL's family local? Can/ do they help out at all?

[deakymom]

they have had help with the rest of the holiday they can do one week my friend has chronic fatigue and epilepsy her boyfriend who is her carer has just found out he has a similar thing they still raised her two children through a lot of drama with her ex husband without the help of family (or friends) it is possible to deal with your life and be ill

[iamsoannoyed]

pictish- I think you are right, they should be able to manage. I think they have got used to being "looked after". I think they could do more day to day, and I do think they are tending to use SIL MS as a reason to not do things for themselves- the vast majority of which they are perfectly capable of doing with a bit of organisation.

What is irritating them, I think, is not getting their own way and also the perception that DH and our family are being prioritised in this situation and the whole farm situation. They generally seem to have a bit of an impression that DH is the favourite, which I don't think is fair, and this seems to make them very sensitive to any perceived slight. This has become much worse since FIL agreed with DH over the farm problems.

[PrincessTeacake]

This is a power play, pure and simple. The farm situation and its resolution left them feeling raw so they felt the need to get the whole family focused on them and their struggles again. SIL is playing the victim card big time, and there is little I despise more than someone using an illness to manipulate their loved ones.

A good friend of mine died earlier this year of complications from his advanced Muscular Dystrophy. Up until the very end he was ferociously independent, never asked his friends or family for help even though they would gladly have done anything for him. He lived in a specially adapted building for people with severe physical disabilities that had two carers on call 24 hours a day, he paid for it himself because he was able to work from home right up until his arms stopped working. He wasn't unusual in that sense, most of the people in that building held down jobs, raised families and died with the most independence that could be given to them.

I have a degenerative illness myself, and I am liathe to let it make demands on me or my family. The most I've ever asked is to be helped to stand up or help walking when I desperately need it. I work three jobs because I like being busy, and I'm making provisions to be cared for by a trained professional when my functions go down the tube, because I dread to think of my father, brother, best friend or child having to spoon feed me and change my nappies. Fair enough if you're squeamish about having a stranger do that, but what loving person would inflict that on someone they love when they have other options?

[sonjadog]

I'm another one who assumed the kids must be a lot younger than that. They can do without help from your PILs for one week no problem. The older kids can look after the youngest ones, can't they? It has nothing to do with childcare and everything to do with wanting to control your lives. Ignore the tears and the emotional blackmail.