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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give dd2 the big bedroom.

277 replies

Maisyblue · 16/08/2014 00:32

Dd1 goes to uni in September and obviously will only need her bedroom in the holidays. 10 year old dd2 therefore asks if she can have her bedroom because it's much larger. Aibu to say it's still dd1s room and it's not fair to move all her stuff into much smaller dd2s room?

OP posts:
CookieMonsterIsHot · 16/08/2014 21:21

Your poor dd2.

You've effectively told her that her adult sister's selfish wants are way more important than her own reasonable request to have her turn in the big room.

Why are you so scared of DD1?

Why do you let her dictate to you?

Heyho111 · 16/08/2014 21:22

Why does the older child have the automatic right to a bigger room? Is the first born more special than the younger ?
Let the younger feel just as important and swap. Being born first foes not give you a birth right. It will do them good to be treated as an equal and learn to take turns.

kslatts · 16/08/2014 21:24

I would swap the rooms, seems unfair on dd2 to have a smaller room when most of the time dd1 will not be there anyway.

CookieMonsterIsHot · 16/08/2014 21:25

DD1 is being badly behaved, unreasonable and selfish.

But you want a harmonious house. Appease away.

passmethewineplease · 16/08/2014 21:25

I'd swap. It seems logical.

Seriouslyffs · 16/08/2014 21:28

Poor DD2. DD1 is being a brat; let's hope she grows up once she's away and you're not pandering to her.

phantomnamechanger · 16/08/2014 21:28

It would never occur to me NOT to let the child still at home have the bigger room. OPs DD1 sounds very entitled if she honestly believes the bigger room is hers forever by virtue of being born first and DD2 just has to make do with whatever is left. How selfish!

I was the oldest and went off to uni. Two of my younger siblings were sharing a room and finally got their own rooms, they were excited, as was I about going - of course I was welcome in the holidays and still regarded mum and dads house as my home till I graduated and moved out properly - it did not matter one jot what room I was sleeping in!

AmysTiara · 16/08/2014 21:28

Jeez give Dd2 the big bedroom and tell (not ask) DD1 thats what is happening

Talk about wishy washy!

WhizzFucker · 16/08/2014 21:28

Don't leave it 2 whole terms! She may only be away 3 years...

musicalendorphins2 · 16/08/2014 21:30

I am glad you are not forcing your dd1 to give up her room for a child! I feel the oldest daughter should have some rights, being the senior sister, and it should be up to her to give her room up. No reason a 10 year old can't have a friend in a sleeping bag on the floor of her room, share a bed heads to tails, or both sleep in the living room if she has a sleepover. That is what I did, what my sons did and a million other kids have done. She will be able to have the room within a couple of years when dd1 moves out for good.

phantomnamechanger · 16/08/2014 21:33

I agree DD1 needs to be told not asked. If you can afford to redecorate both rooms (with them both having a say within reason) and buy new bedding/curtains etc to make it seem "hers" rather than DD1 just feeling she is being put up in a room decorated for a much younger person, that would surely help matters. But even then that may not be financially feasible immediately and an 18yo should also be able to grasp that!

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/08/2014 21:35

Crikey - who is the parent here? Sounds like DD1 has got you all running rings around her.

parallax80 · 16/08/2014 21:35

I feel the oldest daughter should have some rights, being the senior sister

Say what now?

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/08/2014 21:40

I feel the oldest daughter should have some rights, being the senior sister

She has got rights, rights to go to uni and let her younger sister have the big room as she isn't using it any more!

MorrisZapp · 16/08/2014 21:42

Blimey O'Reilly! I'm not ancient but oh how the world has changed. Whatever happened to 'merry Christmas, now you can all move up one bike'?

I'm a middle child. I pestered my big brother for ages about when he was moving out because I wanted his room. Then my younger sister did the same to me.

What were my thoughts upon packing up and leaving my childhood bedroom behind? Actually I can't remember exactly but I think it was pretty much 'Wahay! Booze and shagging here I come!.

My mum redecorated my room the weekend after I moved out. I remember joking about it but I wasn't really bothered. I knew it would always be 'home' and that I could have a bed there whenever I wanted, but I also knew what moving out actually meant.

It still feels like 'home' now, decades later.

Also there's an assumption on here that all uni goers will be heading to halls of residence and coming home every holiday. I moved into a bedsit and never spent more than a few nights at home at a time ever again.

Is this the new, pandering generation I wonder? I admit DS is way more pandered to than I ever was, but he's only three. I guess he will grow into a pampered young man. I need to think on!

TheFirmament · 16/08/2014 21:43

I can see why an older child (especially significantly older) gets the bigger room - because they are bigger, have more stuff, bigger friends, etc. but when they leave, they room becomes a pied-a-terre, and the younger child gets to be the oldest.

Being the oldest doesn't give you some kind of bossing rights, that's the parents' job.

ADHDNoodles · 16/08/2014 21:49

I still feel sorry for DD2. Give her the room. DD1 sounds very entitled and spoiled, and I'm afraid that you sound like a wimp.

Just because you can be totalitarian in your approach, doesn't mean you should. I'm shocked so many people are suggesting to do it by force, feelings be damned. Fire and brimstone approaches rarely foster good relationships. Honestly, how many people would like working for a boss or having a friend that acted like that?

Waiting a little bit until things settle in is a good approach. That way if she's having anxiety in a new place she knows she has "her" spot back home and she has a family that isn't happy to be rid of her. Once she's in the swing of things and confident about her place at uni, is the perfect time to do it.

She has time for it to sink it, time to settle in, and time to come to terms with the fact her room isn't hers anymore. That's a good thing.

MuddlingMackem · 16/08/2014 21:56

YANBU.

My brother had a very small bedroom, but my parents didn't give mine to him when I went away to university as it was still officially my home and I needed it during the holidays. As it happened, I ended up having to move back home for a few years after I graduated and it just wouldn't have felt like home if I hadn't still had the same room.

However, they allowed him to use my room as a sitting room during term-term which seemed a fair compromise.

newfavouritething · 16/08/2014 21:58

DD1 is being bloody selfish. She needs to downsize her 'stuff' so that most of it goes with her wherever she's living. It's dd2's turn to have the big room now. In 18 years time dd1 can have it back. That's what happens when you have siblings, you learn to share.
She's got a month to get used to the idea, and plenty of time to sort through her belongings.

SantanaLopez · 16/08/2014 22:00

DD1 is being totally selfish. She's going to be an adult, she should start acting like one.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 16/08/2014 22:03

Why does the older child have the automatic right to a bigger room? Is the first born more special than the younger? Let the younger feel just as important and swap. Being born first foes not give you a birth right. It will do them good to be treated as an equal and learn to take turns

I agree with this, no wonder first-borns continue to do better in education and in careers, they are given bigger bedrooms as their 'right'!

lavenderhoney · 16/08/2014 22:06

Its probably not a massive deal to the younger sister as of course big sister always gets her way. So she's used to it.

Just swap them over. Maybe big sister still wants to feel most important even if she's not there. Tell her it will be used as guest room anyway, not a no- go area which she keeps stuff in. Do the girls get on? Because its hard to understand why an older girl who has had a large bedroom and sleep overs etc won't allow her younger sister the same enjoyment and happy memories She will still have a room of her own to dump her stuff and sleep.

She sounds like she isn't looking forward to uni all that much. Or leaving home. She also probably always felt superior to her younger sister because she had a bigger room. You need to explain to her its the home as whole not " her room" and how would she feel if she were the younger sister? Perhaps not so entitled, I imagine.

parallax80 · 16/08/2014 22:09

it just wouldn't have felt like home if I hadn't still had the same room.

Just as well they hadn't moved house in the interim.

TheFairyCaravan · 16/08/2014 22:09

I'm gobsmacked that someone thinks a family member should have rights to a bigger room because they are the eldest sibling.

My older sister was a bitch. She treated my parents like shit, the house like a hotel and her room was a hovel. She didn't have the biggest room for most of our childhood, I did, because she had first dibs on what room she wanted when we moved house and stopped sharing. When we moved when she was coming up to 18, she got the biggest room with a sofa, double bed the lot, because my parents wanted to make her happy and thought she would behave. She lived with us for 6 months, trashed it and moved out. She would have been better off in the shed!

LeBearPolar · 16/08/2014 22:13

God, your poor DD2 Sad Does she ever get to feel like she's important rather than an also-ran? Confused