To not want to give dd2 the big bedroom.

[Maisyblue]

Dd1 goes to uni in September and obviously will only need her bedroom in the holidays. 10 year old dd2 therefore asks if she can have her bedroom because it's much larger. Aibu to say it's still dd1s room and it's not fair to move all her stuff into much smaller dd2s room?

My little sister took over my big bedroom when I was at university. I don't think it happened straight away though. Once I had moved out and left all those emotions behind it was probably easy to hand it over. If dd1 isn't happy about it, it is probably due to the worry of moving away as well - I would wait until October half term time and make the change then once she was settled and felt happier about it.

i think everyone has to do what fits for their own family in cases like this. when i went to uni my 2 brothers shared a room, the day i left, 1 of them moved into my room, i took everything with me to uni, didn't leave anything still at home. when i came home during the holidays i had to share with my youngest brother as he had bunk beds. i stayed in my uni town mostly during the holidays though to work, only went home for short visits so in our house, it would have been silly to keep my room there for me.

dd 1 room acts as a guest room too. ds isn't bothered as we have family area for him too and he hasn't asked to move.

dds have so much stuff.

YABU. DD2 has been in the smallest room for 10 years, whilst DD1 has been in the biggest room for 18 years (I'm presuming you haven't moved house). It's not fair to keep it for about 3/4 months of the year tops for DD1 to use. But I would wait till Christmas just to make sure DD1 is settled and not dropping out but let DD2 use the big bedroom unofficially for sleepovers/having mates over/study etc and that gives her time to plan what she wants to do with the room.

Re DD1s stuff, surely the stuff she'll be needing will be going to Uni, I know DD will have hardly any stuff by the time she was 18. I would keep some favourite childhood memories like photos/artwork/toys etc and put it into the loft or in some storage boxes for the new room but bin the rest.

Wow. I'm 35 and "my room" at my mum's is still "mine".

Even though technically I have swapped with my brother!

I'm glad you are speaking to DD1 about this and have changed your mind.

The OP smacks of favouritism in all fairness. The eldest is off to University. The room won't seem the same after being in halls anyway

I would and have switched rooms in favour of a younger DC when the eldest went to uni. Didn't seem right to have the larger room standing empty for much of the time. DM thought I was mean but I reckoned so long as eldest always knew he had a roof here it was fine.

TBH as uni life progresses you may well find older dd isn't even home for all of the holidays anyway which makes it even less fair on the younger one.

I had a big room and my DB always had a box room. The summer before I left we swapped and DM let me redecorate the box room. My DB had been stuck in it for 15 years. Was only fair really.

I think you need to think of ways of making the big bedroom less attractive and the small room more attractive. Could you buy an extra wardrobe for BB and that is for SB stuff.

SB has absolute right of privacy. Bb has to let in to get at SB.

SB can make Bb swap for the night for a sleepover (assuming 24 hours notice.)

It may be that that is enough that one of them is happy to have SB.

Fwiw I am an older child. I kept my room on going to uni but it was smaller than db's anyway. (We started off rooms 3 and 4 and he swapped to 2 when he got too big. I was offered 2 but didn't want to move.) At 34 and 32 we still stay in "our" rooms when visiting. One (ridiculous) Xmas when dd was a baby, db had just split up with his gf and mum had been ill so hadn't had a chance to clear out room 4 we had me, dh and dd in room 3 (which had room for a double bed and a cot as long as you were on the Olympic gymnastics team for climbing into bed) and db all on his own in room 2 - a massive double.

And it never occurred to me until afterwards that this was ridiculous. Db would have swapped but "my room" and "his room" was very deeply in trenched into both of us.

YABVU
When I went to university my sister got my room, and I had the box room.
(About 6x7 foot!) I can't see the issue myself.
I was home during the holidays.
I lived at home for about 9 months after university where I was in the box room. It was just a place to sleep!

I would've felt extremely selfish having the big bedroom empty for 9 months a year. Your eldest daughter needs to grow up and think of other people before herself.

When I left for university, I swapped my big room for my brother's smaller room. In exchange, my parents bought new bedding and curtains. For me, it signalled the start of my adult life.

That should be "SB has absolute right of privacy. Bb has to let in to get at SB's stuff."

I actually think you will be doing your DD1 a favour by making her think about what is fair and not what she wants. Some people really struggle at university where you have to share chores, food, appliances etc. The people who can't see things from another point of view don't make themselves very popular. She needs to decide the fairest solution, not just what she wants. I can't believe, if pushed, she will say the fairest thing is for her to always get what she wants.

I think at 18 years old and not graduating until she was 21 that I would be telling her to grow up. I doubt she would even come back aftersurely she will have moved out with her friends or boyfriend by the time uni is over.

Aw not now, not while she's scared of uni at the same time as looking forward to it. Give her a couple of terms to settle in. Then hand it over, but do it while she is there to deal with her things, not while she's away.

Your elder DD is lucky - my first term at uni my mum sold our house and moved into a one bedroom flat at the other end of the country! This despite the fact I had only applied to Northern unis so I wouldn't be too far from home.

I'm fairly sure she loves me though...

It might be an idea to make it a double rite of passage so DD2 could get the grown up room for her 11th birthday and DD1 have the little room done out as a proper study/bedroom to mark her adult status.

I think you are all quite mean. Both of our sons (2 years apart) kept their own rooms whilst at Uni. The terms are unbelievably short & our boys were home far more than they were away. Youngest son graduated 2 weeks ago & back in his own bedroom again. We are more than happy for them to live with us whilst they save up some money to rent their own accommodation. Elder son's room larger than youngest. That's just life.

YABVU

I've just finished painting the smallest bedroom for DS1 as DD2 has moved into his old and much bigger room. It's silly to reserve the biggest room for someone who is not using it that much.

Our smallest bedroom is too small for a desk and dd2 needs a desk as she is doing her A'levels.

Definitely swap.

But i couldnt leave anything in halls in holidays.
I would swap now. Otherwise DD1 will think you dont mean it and will be too busy studying to move.

I stayed in the smaller room when 3 yr older dSis went to uni. I dont remember being asked, probably wasnt.
Luckily both rooms were largish, i had desk and sofa, bookcase.

DD1 may have bf visiting in holidays.

I think theey need to move on and not be too precious about belongings
My DSis has chests and wardrobes of clothes and books, in my DP new house, despite living in s. America. I said well it will tale 18 hr flight to get to it, so what would be a little time to look for it in the loft, she is hardly popping in to read pne of the books.! (She has not been living in uk for about 8yrs.

Practically we could do with moving DDs stuff in there for when we visit and also it being emptier for when DSis and their DC visit.

I would have killed my parents if they had mkved DSIS straight into my room. I would have felt very unwanted.

In anycase DSIS wouldn't have wanted to, our rooms were our worlds, we'd had them since we were tiny.

In anycase my room had two beds and doubled as guest room and DSIS would have been lumbered with that compromise too.

I don't think she actually swapped until she moved back in her twenties (long after I was married) and only then because she had a double bed from her flat and DDad fancied a sturdy.

Her flat mate git married and she was lonley and broke.

I hope an 18 yr old would be kind and mature enough to see that their younger sib would benefit from the bigger room. I was the oldest, it happened to me, but I was fine with it. I was glad to have a bed in the holidays and somewhere to store stuff but that's all I needed at 18. I had no interest in living at home and wanted to get on with my own life. I spent the holidays working and travelling, not sitting in my room! But then I didn't find leaving for uni traumatic - I couldn't wait to get there and deliberately chose one a very long way from home. I realise not everyone feels the same and it very much depends on your dcs. But I think it's a good preparation for real life and part of the transition to adulthood.

I would at least leave it till Christmas - your DD1 has just left school, where she may have been with people for many years (in my case, there were a handful I'd known since pre-school playschool.) Going to university is very exciting, but it's also quite daunting, and her room may currently feel like it's the only thing she's really in control of and gives her a sense of continuity. By Christmas, she'll have had a term to settle in, will have a better idea of what stuff she really does or doesn't need, and will have had a term to think about not being at home and being in a new stage of life, and will probably be more amenable to swapping rooms.

It also sounds like the idea of swapping rooms has only just come up - unlike people who have been talking about it on and off for years. She'll need time to get used to the idea of it, so she doesn't just feel pushed out and rejected. My mother always made it clear that we were expected to leave home once we got to 18, so it wasn't really a shock when my room turned into a guest room, but it still felt a bit like I was being pushed out, because it put me in the same category as extended family and friends, rather than their daughter.

My younger sister never wanted my room anyway, as she always had the bigger, better room, but it was always the rule that if we had guests over, they got my room, and I would have to share with my sister in her room for the duration. (Didn't stop us complaining, to be fair, but we did know we wouldn't be able to overrule it.)

How's it going, Maisyblue? Have you had The Conversation, yet?

I lived in tbe sort of rural village wbere we all went to pubs and dances from 14, had driving lessons on our 17th and use of a car from the day we passed our tests. Mamy of her friends bad had left school at 16, had jobs, serious BFs, even DCs.

In a lot of ways we were already grown up, without it being an issue and without us really noticing.

We had relationships with our parents and siblings that transfered to weekends and holidays perfectly easily and friends we wanted to keep seeing.

Home remained home, until DH and I got married when I was 22, many of my school friends either never left my hometown or returned after following the careers they studied at uni for a few years.

Me I can't, neither DH or me are local government, medics or teachers. There is no science or computing.

But yes I miss my hills and my equally rural DH his sea.