To not want to give dd2 the big bedroom.

[Maisyblue]

Dd1 goes to uni in September and obviously will only need her bedroom in the holidays. 10 year old dd2 therefore asks if she can have her bedroom because it's much larger. Aibu to say it's still dd1s room and it's not fair to move all her stuff into much smaller dd2s room?

Well, you are her mother and you know their personalities and what is best. :)

Wahey, booze and shagging here I come

:o Yup, that's pretty much what I thought upon moving out too.

Im the oldest sibling but I wonder how many are best friends as adults with their sibling if they think this selfishly. I would really think I had gone wrong as a parent if dc1 didnt give the room to dc2 as I was alwaysbrought up to be best friends with my sibling. We do everything together as adults and I could never be that horrible to him.

You know damned well that I meant how would you feel working for a boss that was "my way or the highway" with no consideration for your feelings in their approach. Family dynamics are not black and white, nor do these sort of problems exist in a vacuum.

My comprehension is perfectly fine, thanks. I was using a metaphor to emphasise how the same situation in one of your examples would be seen as ridiculous behaviour. Why do you feel the need to post links for me to improve my comprehension, and post a 'no comment biscuit'? Are you always this rude?

OP, interestingly enough, I was also the eldest child. With a father who never bothered and my mother also never got maintenance. This has nothing to do with my self esteem upon moving out to uni. Honestly, it's just how the world works. It is not her room forever, you are a family unit that moves and changes to take account of circumstances.

I remember leaving home and being mystified that my brother demanded that my mother bought a toaster rather than use the grill, which we had used for years perfectly well. Once you leave home, the dynamic changes, the needs of the householders change and you change. Tell her she she needs to go to uni, start living her life, it's a change for you two just as much and her sister moves up to being the oldest at home as soon as she goes because that's the truth.

Just read your giving it to her and thats good. Thats a really admirable thing from my parents way of bringing up children. They made sure we always grew up to be best adult friends and that is due to us always considering each other feelings. Lots of siblings dont have that as they werent brought up right so resent each other, and its a shame as siblings should be there for you for the rest of your life.

ADHD, if Funky deliberately missed your point then it infers her reading comprehension is just fine. So as well as being rude, your snark doesn't actually make sense.

The last thing my brother said when he left for Uni was ,"You can have my room now. " my DM was horrified, but he told her too. I had had 13 years of the box room.

DD1 might have the huff now if you swap them but following freshers week she will have forgotten. At the moment there isn't so much to distract her but once she's gone she'll not give it a thought. DD2 will & will resent it.
Yes there are holidays from Uni but there is no guarantee she'll actually be home from them.
I didn't have a room at home once I moved to Uni (parents moved to a smaller house just before I went) - guess what I managed to cope.
Most of my essential stuff came to Uni with me anyway. In first year I actually only came home for a few days at Christmas, then met up with Uni friends for new year, Easter, I spent with new boyfriend & came home for summer to work. After that I only really came home for short visits as there was always something going on. I'd paid for my house so I was going to use it as much as I could.

Tbh you should have just told your eldest that you will be swapping rooms now she doesn't live there 38 weeks of the year

I know you have agreed it will happen op but think you said after a few terms so does that mean Easter or next summer so a year has gone by

Actually, I can understand why DD1 doesn't want to give up her room - leaving home for the first time is scary and getting rid of 'her' room will be compounding these anxieties.

I do think she's being selfish, but for perhaps understandable reasons. Although she is an adult, at 18-19 plenty of people lack the ability to see the bigger picture.

Of course DD2 should move in to the bigger room, but I think doing it the minute she walks out the door is a little unfeeling if she's not happy about it.

I suspect that two or three weeks into term, when she's settled in a bit, she'll be much happier about the idea.

Also, why do the older siblings always get the bigger room? I was the youngest and had the biggest room in all our houses from the age of four up. I feel quite sorry for my brother now, he had the box room from age ten through to twenty three, when I left home...

Come to think of it, my mum turned my old room into a guest bedroom...with my brother still stuck in the box room! Poor sod. He did move into my room/the guest bedroom eventually though.

I would swap. No point in having a big empty room and a person there full time who is not comfortable in a small room.

Also it is part of growing up realising that you are getting ready to leave home and it won t be kept like a shrine to you after you leave.

Auntysib it presumably works for you but I think that's a terrible idea. The younger one should get the big bedroom as their own not use of it (as long as they don't touch anything) whilst the older one is away.

OP I don't think it would do any harm to wait until Christmas until dd1 has settled in at university but I think you do need to sit down with her and work out what you can do with the small bedroom so that it meets her needs. Dd2 needs the bigger room cleared out so that she can make it hers for the years she has left at home.

I definitely think that DD2 should have the big room. I would also encourage your DD1 to sort out her room prior to going to university so she has control over the situation. I find it amazing how much stuff they keep but don't actually need. It is easier to keep more things in a bigger room as the space issue doesn't force you to sort things out.

Don't forget that DD1 going to university will have an effect on DD2. There is the massive emphasis on getting DD1 ready to go and then when they have gone they are missed. Plus other people will ask how is your big sister getting on. I think the younger one can feel quite left out. So the excitement of moving rooms would help, in addition to it being the most sensible idea.

I don't like the temporary nature of DD1 reclaiming her old room in the holidays and DD2 going back to her old room. Just seems like a fudge and neither girl would be able to move on from the status quo family dynamic. With DD1 at uni, it's important for DD2 to get experience as a grown-up girl and not the baby. I am the younger sis with similar age gap so empathising strongly with DD2 throughout.

Poledra's post is great.

I would swap, your DD1 is a grown up now going to uni. Tough luck to her I say, she has a new room at uni. Don't let DD1 rule the roost. DD2's needs don't seem important at all. x

Great news, had a good talk with dd1 and she agrees it's only right dd2 gets her room. There'll be no swapping and changing, it'll be dd2s room. Thanks for all the great input.

I would swap, sometimes in a family the biggest bedroom becomes the ultimate hand-me-down for a younger child.

works for me. ds uses his sisters' rooms when they are away but sleeps in his small bedroom. the dgs have so much stuff and it makes my life easier. he isn't bothered.

I will make yd clear desk upstairs so he can work at it

Ah...well done DD1.

Oh, great news indeed! I do hope DD1 has a great time and uni, and DD2 appreciates her big sister's magnanimity

Here's to family harmony!

Well done DD1! Tell her that Mumsnet is proud of her

I think give it to her. She's there everyday and dd1 is leaving.

fab glad all sorted :)