To not want to give dd2 the big bedroom.

[Maisyblue]

Dd1 goes to uni in September and obviously will only need her bedroom in the holidays. 10 year old dd2 therefore asks if she can have her bedroom because it's much larger. Aibu to say it's still dd1s room and it's not fair to move all her stuff into much smaller dd2s room?

I really, really hope that when my children are older, the oldest will not make a fuss about downsizing for his brother. I would be so disappointed if he did.

When I went to uni, my youngest brother had my room, middle brother stayed in the one they previously shared. In the holidays, I slept on the sofa. All my stuff (we weren't allowed to keep it in halls) was stored in the outhouse. I didn't for one minute think it was unfair - I'd essentially left home, my brothers had shared a room for 11 years while I'd had my own.

Feel so, so sorry for your DD2

parallax80 Sat 16-Aug-14 22:09:40

Just as well they hadn't moved house in the interim.

Honestly, how many people would like working for a boss or having a friend that acted like that?

You mean saving an office for someone who now works from home? I'd think they had lost their marbles!

My brother had a very small bedroom, but my parents didn't give mine to him when I went away to university as it was still officially my home and I needed it during the holidays. As it happened, I ended up having to move back home for a few years after I graduated and it just wouldn't have felt like home if I hadn't still had the same room.

No, you didn't need that specific room and bed in the house, you needed a room and bed. How selfish not to allow your brother the extra space in his own house that you've enjoyed for years because you'll come back at some point in the future. Why couldn't it have been his turn?

OP, I'm an older sister who had the bigger room until I went to uni. My sister moved up from the box room when I went. That was fair. I had that room for 18 years, she was 4 years younger than me so she had it for significantly less time. Even swapping then was technically unfair really.

I think allowing your DD1 to retain such a cast amount of space compared with her sister, even for one or two terms looks like you are massively favouring her. I feel sorry for your DD2 as well.

Haven't read all ten pages...
It always struck me as a bit harsh in Toy Story 3 when Andy was going off to c

Sorry, off to college, that his room was completely gutted - stuff in the attic or sent to goodwill! Wonder what his mum had planned for the room..
I'd never have moved up a room if the older ones had been allowed to keep theirs. Also if it is too comfy she may come back after Uni and live with you till she's 30...

My DS3 moved into DS1's room within half an hour of him moving Uni. No discussion, he was just straight in there.

It works fine, in that when DS1 comes home, DS3 goes back into his own tiny bedroom without a fuss, makes sure he's tidied up etc. He's not allowed to use DS1's stuff without permission from DS1.

I'd add that as it's my house, I don't feel it's up to DS1 to say where DS3 can sleep, and I didn't feel that I needed DS1's permission. That said, they are both pretty respectful of each other, so it's really not an issue.

Could you consider a similar arrangement? Might be sensible for DD1 to put anything precious away just in case, particularly if you want to use her room for sleepovers.

The dynamics in any family are different, what might work in one family might not work in another. Dd1 often feels insecure because her father never bothered with her much, nor paid mainenence all through her life. He's let her down so badly over the years. She can be a handful sometimes but she loves her little sister and is very good to her, I see it from both sides.

Auntysib....I like the sound of that arrangement, I think that might be the answer. Thank you.

That make sense, Maisy, I had been worrying why you were pussyfooting around dd1 when it seemed obvious the room should go to dd2 once dd1 isn't living with you full-time any more. Am an eldest child myself, btw - we moved house when I was in the last year of 6th form and my little sister got the nicest/bigger room on the ground that I wouldn't be at home much longer. It did piss me off a bit tbh but I could see the logic. And if the swap had been after I left home it would have been completely reasonable.

Actually what happened was my Mum moved again, gave into my sister's nagging about acquiring a dog, and dog realised that I was a sap who could be manipulated into getting up first and giving him a walk while my sister and mother had lie-ins. I think I got the worst of that deal!

I'm a younger sister. I shared a bedroom with one of my sisters from the age of 5 until 16. During that time, our elder sister went off to uni. She had her own room and my mother kept it for her, during all the time she was studying. I cannot begin to tell you how bitter I feel about it. The sister I shared with was also older than me - she suggested that I move into the small, single room (as I would be at home longer than her) and she'd share the bigger room with oldest sis, giving her the biggest room during term time but having to share during the holidays. We thought it was a fair compromise but mum and oldest sister would not hear tell of it.

So, it was OK in my mother's and sister's eyes for two of us to share while a room sat empty. And as for someone's suggestion 'she could sleep in it if she wants but not move her things in' - why fucking bother? That was one of my mother's suggestions but we didn't need to space to sleep - you only need a bed for that. We needed more space to live.

Give the younger girl the big room. Let her come first for once.

Poledra, I wish MN had a like button for that post.

I'm with Poledra. If the room is not being lived in full-time, then it's incredibly selfish of DD1 to want to hang onto it just for the holidays. DD1 will still have a room there, just a smaller room. If it's been good enough for DD2 full-time all this while, then it'll be good enough for a few weeks for DD1 in the holidays.

It's DD2's turn for a decent-sized room, now.

I agree, dd2 will get the room. Thanks for all the great input.

You are being unbelievably unfair to dd2 - I hope she doesn't resent it all her life.

Maisyblue - thanks for letting us know. I hope DD2 enjoys her new big room at home, and that DD1 has a lovely room at her university.

backforgood I've just said, dd2 is going to get the room, please explain how I'm being unfair, what do you want me to say??? good grief!

Thank you Archery

Marvellous, Maisie. I do hope she enjoys her new room and that DD1 manages to feel OK about it.

I'd also like to add that my mother was usually a very fairminded person, which may be why I am was quite so upset about the bedroom. As an adult, I can understand her quandary of looking out for all her children, but it doesn't draw the sting completely.

Obviously that was a cross post - I was responding to your earlier posts.

FWIW, once stayed with relatives for a few nights, where the offspring had married and moved out of home permanently, but one insisted that her room was preserved like a shrine, and nobody was allowed to use it, even for a few nights.
She was a spoilt little madam, tbh, but the mother, in particular, indulged her, beyond belief.
OP, glad you have found a solution.

Thank you Poledra we have our ups and downs but things usually work out in the end.

Honestly, how many people would like working for a boss or having a friend that acted like that?

You mean saving an office for someone who now works from home? I'd think they had lost their marbles!

Congratulations! You deliberately missed my point.

You know damned well that I meant how would you feel working for a boss that was "my way or the highway" with no consideration for your feelings in their approach. Family dynamics are not black and white, nor do these sort of problems exist in a vacuum.

It was only very recently that my mum told me how guilty she'd felt that after I'd left for university, my grandad took my old bedroom (he came to live with my parents because he needed to be looked-after). Once I'd left, I came home to a put-me-up bed downstairs.

I had no idea how awful she'd felt about it, because I was oblivious in the excitement of 'moving out' and growing up. I'm only sorry that it's taken twenty-odd years to put her mind at rest.

Of course it's natural that your younger daughter should graduate into the bigger room. She's quite lucky, frankly, that you haven't moved and downsized, or at least turned her room into a gym or something .