To not want to give dd2 the big bedroom.

[Maisyblue]

Dd1 goes to uni in September and obviously will only need her bedroom in the holidays. 10 year old dd2 therefore asks if she can have her bedroom because it's much larger. Aibu to say it's still dd1s room and it's not fair to move all her stuff into much smaller dd2s room?

Give DD2 the room
Its only fair

I'd give DD2 the room. It's only fair, she's the one living there. I never really came home full-time ever again once I'd started uni, I think it's quite common to swap rooms when one leaves for a while/for good.

Couldn't have said it better myself Waffle.

I said earlier on that dd1 is adamant it's her room. Her reasoning is that all her stuffs there, it couldn't possibly fit in small room, she's older therefore more accumulation etc. But dd2 wants to be able to have friends over and just spread out more. I just feel torn with it all.

Surely a lot of her stuff will be going to uni with her?

What's left can be sorted through and non-essentials boxed and put in the loft. Very easy to down-size the amount of stuff.

DD1 is acting entitled and is being unfair on her sister.

Then tell her she's being neither fair nor logical. She can huff off to Uni if she likes.

We are in this exact position. DD1's room has a double bed and lots of room. DD2 has to sleep sleeping standing up.

except

DD1 knows that the second she leaves the house DD2 will get her room. DD1 is under no illusion. Also it is part of going away to university. It is part of the letting go of home. DD1 has a bed here but she doesnt have the right to a particular bed.

Hmm the problem is that in just over three months DD1 will be home for Xmas for a month, then home from May to end of September for summer vacation, nevermind the weekends home etc.

What will you do in those periods?

YABVU

Keeping a room for someone that's not there most of the time, whilst your D2 is living in a cramped space. Poor D2.

I think you've all convinced me. It's only fair that the big bedroom should go to dd2. Dd1s going to be told. Please wish me luck.

Good luck. Its not as if her stuff won't be looked after or she won't have a room at all.

Good luck Maisyblue. It's all just part of growing up and moving away from home. DD1 will get used to it.

Just as a balancing perspective (although I know have ishoos around this sort of thing), if DD1 is pushed into giving up her room, or coerced into it, she may feel that she is being pushed out and that by leaving home for term time makes her a less valued family member. I know this would make me personally feel like feel like they were moving on and looking forward to their time without me, especially if I knew DD2 had been looking forward to me leaving to get my room.

I may be massively projecting though! When you're growing up your room is the only place which is more or less yours and less subject to "my house, my rules" It would be horrible to be told that if you don't give up this personal place and give it to your younger sibling then you're selfish and entitled!

if DD1 is pushed into giving up her room, or coerced into it, she may feel that she is being pushed out and that by leaving home for term time makes her a less valued family member.

What of the flip side?

Is I possible that DD2 feels a less valued family member because she has been made to have the small room all her life, while DD1 got the better, big room? Then when DD1 leaves home for 9 months of the year she is still not valued enough to be offered the better room?

Good luck!

Remind her she will be having 2 rooms, unfair to have a massive one not used 8mo of the year.

My parents moved country when I was at uni, I felt homeless for 3 years. Most of my stuff was in storage. I survived.

My DH had the being pushed out issue when he went to Uni. That's why the room swap for our boys was carefully discussed and compromise reached. We'd have continued that arrangement until DS1 left Uni if he wanted, then we expected him to be, well, a grown up about it! Its just he got over it very quickly.

Well, and I know I'm assuming here, I'd have thought that everyone's bedrooms would have been decided as a family when they moved in. Parents have the biggest room/en-suite, and the children's rooms decided by the family. But this decision to move her out of the room is not being made by the whole family, it's being made by the family without her. She's made it clear that she does not want to move, but by the sounds of things is going to have to. I personally would worry about the message that sends to my child, but I know I have a tendency to read too much into things.

I'm not saying DD1 should keep her room always, and exactly as she left it! But it would be important to me to get her on board with it, either through compromise- maybe redecorate the smaller room so that it doesn't resemble her younger sisters anymore, for example? Or try to show it to her as an opportunity, you're becoming an independent, full fledged adult, you don't need a massive room at your parents house because you're about to step into the world it doesn't need to be your anchor anymore.

I hope that explain what I mean a bit clearer!

She might have to come home for a bit after graduation. DD1 came back for a year. I wouldn't have touched her room until she moved out full time.

Ask DD1 whether she'd prefer to rent the bigger room or the smaller room?

She's being selfish.

When I went to university, my youngest brother got my (massive) room. My parents asked me, which surprised me: I'd assumed we'd swap, plus it's my parents' house - they allocate rooms. Nice of them to ask though! I was grateful they didn't charge me rent in the hols as many of my friends' parents did.

Maybe it's an American thing, but we keep our bedrooms until adulthood.

My parents didn't get rid of my bedroom until I was married. Even now, it's still in tact with all my stuff. They just use it as a storage room. I guess when DD is older she'll stay in my bedroom. The only reason my brother's room is a guest nursery is because he took all his furniture when he moved out. I moved in with my boyfriend who had a bigger bed so my furniture stayed. Maybe one day it'll all be DD's?

I stayed in my parent's bedroom at my grandparent's house when we visited. My mom and her sisters were the youngest and had bunk beds until they moved out to college. We stayed in that room when we go to my grandparents.

Anyway, I personally would be upset if my mom swapped and DB's room when I left for college. It would feel like I was being pushed out, or that they were glad to see me go. It's a transition period between full adult hood and childhood. Some people like to be lowered gently into the water instead of pushed right in.

Another one who had a tiny room at home when I was at uni, and for one year no room at all. I didn't feel pushed out at all. I was consulted but wouldn't have dreamed of saying no, it would have been very unfair to my siblings.

I wonder if your DD1 is feeling insecure about moving on? Have you talked to her about how she's feeling about uni?

The practicalities and volume of stuff sound like excuses really. Still worth sitting down and discussing with her, so she can see you're still thinking about her and caring how to make it nice for her. She's got lots of stuff - where in the house can she keep it? Can you make a spare bookshelf somewhere, rearrange the smaller room, share a wardrobe? What can she do if friends or a boyfriend come to stay in the holidays?

In all fairness I think DD2 has to have a chance to enjoy the bigger room, but you need to find a way to get DD1 on board with this.

Yabu.

Can't believe you would leave one of your children in a cramped space when there is a larger empty room for the majority of time. Would send a very poignant message to leave your DD2 in the small room.

Definitely not an American thing! At least not any part I've ever lived in.

Aren't you...kind of supposed to be pushed out? It's been awhile (I went off to college in 2000) but I don't understand this trend to live at home as long as possible. I certainly knew people who did, but they had no other choice.

I know a young guy (will be 20 soon) who told me he isn't moving out of his mother's until he finds a job making at least (he had this down to the penny) something like $17.22 an hour. He was shocked when I told him that since I didn't have a degree, I've never had a job making that much. He didn't plan on going to school, so I don't know where he thought he'd find something!

But he was adamant that he "wasn't going to struggle". I just always assumed that was part of growing up...you go through a few years of renting crappy houses with friends and eating soup and going out. I did and it was a blast.