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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL asking ds to keep a secret from me undermines me and is out of order?

145 replies

dobedobedo · 15/08/2014 08:26

MIL (ds1 step-gran) has a "secret tea" with my ds. I don't allow him to have sugar in his (decaf) tea, but they have a little secret where she gives him sugar in it and they don't tell me.

Ds1 has asked me a few times for sugar in his tea and I've refused. She knows this. She's been there.

Dh thinks this is a sweet little bonding secret between them. I think it's out of order as I'm the mum and I should have the final word and it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me. He's not quite mature enough to ascertain between an innocuous one and an important one I think, iyswim.

I do know sugar in tea isn't the end of the world. I know she's not asking him to keep a sinister secret, but I think the secret keeping and undermining me here is the issue. Not the sugar in the frigging tea.

AIBU? The whole thing has me quite upset tbh, especially when DH is giving me shit for not thinking it's cute.

OP posts:
Original poster
dobedobedo · 15/08/2014 08:31

Dh thinks it's important I tell you she lives a hundred miles away and only sees him a few times a year. Hmm

OP posts:
Panzee · 15/08/2014 08:33

YANBU. I am very big on my children not having secrets from anyone, for obvious reasons. Maybe they could call it "grandma tea"?

IKnowHisSecret · 15/08/2014 08:34

No OP you are not being unreasonable. My MIL lets my children have/do things that she knows I wouldn't agree with. It's been fed back to me through the grapevine that when the kids are at hers it's her rules... Ok to an extent but I would think she would abide my mine too! She really makes my blood boil at times.
Like you, regardless at how "silly" a secret is, I don think your child should keep anything from you. I agree he's not quite at the age to understand how serious a lie can be and the consequences.

TeaAndALemonTart · 15/08/2014 08:35

I'm with your DH, totally.

fanjobiscuits · 15/08/2014 08:35

Yanbu. Teaching kids to keep secrets from their parents is out of order.

Altinkum · 15/08/2014 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2014 08:37

I think on the 'secret' front you are being very unreasonable. You cannot and should not micromanage all interactions between your children and other family members. I think your 9 year old is plenty old enough to tell you about important secrets he had been asked to keep and your MIL wouldn't expect him to keep those. On that, unless you want to open a whole can of worms with your husband and the family taking 'sides', you should keep your own counsel.

On the sugar front, it's addictive. If you do without sugar most of the time then introducing a little bit here and there in tea means that he will ALWAYS want it in tea. I'd tell MIL that and let her decide whether her 'secret tea' is important enough to increase the sugar in his life. However, if she only has this tea with him a few times a year, it's not enough to cause a 'spike' and I think you're using this to bolster your argument and feelings of being undermined.

You're not being reasonable at all on balance... sorry.

Altinkum · 15/08/2014 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

holyhell · 15/08/2014 08:44

Seriously?
My mum has little 'secrets' with my kids. Presents she lets them buy, late nights, chips and ice cream.
She is his gran. Your husband s mother.
Your son obviously knows the difference between her and some random who trys to get him to keep secrets that might be dangerous.
And you don't get final say just because you are his mum.

OrlaNuttin · 15/08/2014 08:46

I understand what you mean about the secret element undermining you, but equally I think it's nice for your ds and grandma to have something that's just theirs, especially as it's only a few times a year. I think the idea of calling it grandma tea rather than secret tea is a good one.

I do think you're being a little bit Ott about not thinking a 9 year old can understand different kinds of secrets. I think it's a good thing to have experience of keeping an okay secret, it helps children understand the difference between that and a bad secret.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 15/08/2014 08:49

Why does being the mum give you the final word?

What about your dh? What if he was to want the final word?

Tanith · 15/08/2014 08:49

Like you, I wouldn't worry so much about the sugar and you've made it clear that's not your concern.

The secret keeping is not on. My MIL did this - little secrets, don't tell mummy.
It meant that he was conditioned to not tell mummy when my step-FIL smacked him round the head in temper - he was 5 Angry
When I eventually found out, I stopped unaccompanied visits - I was livid!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/08/2014 08:49

Yanbu about the secrets, but your ds is 9 and old enough to decide if he warns sugar in his tea. Tell gran it's fine if ds wants sugar in is tea but don't ask him to keep secrets. Sugar is fine in moderation, it is not the source of evil. My dd 7 gas decaf tea with 1 sugar, she has it 1/2 a day, it's fine. Try to let go av bit and let your ds have a bit of freedom.

ADishBestEatenCold · 15/08/2014 08:50

I certainly see your point, although it's very difficult to see where to draw the line with a child/GP sort of secret.

For example, would you think it wrong if your MIL was helping DS learn some sort of desired behavior as a surpise for you (something you'd want ... stop picking his nose, eat with his mouth closed, stop taking sugar!!!) and had told him to keep it a secret (till it was fully mastered), would you mind then?

Or if she and he were working on a project that was going to culminate in a huge surprise/gift for you (a family tree!) and she said to him it was their secret, would you mind then?

The sugar thing ... not so much ... because you have said "No" (*although it would seem Dad is saying "Yes"), but you do see that secrets are a fine line?

Re the Dad thing * (above) ... while you and he are of different minds on this, I don't think you can say
"I'm the mum and I should have the final word" when you and he clearly have an equal say. I think you need to talk to him some more about this and see if you can find a level of agreement.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2014 08:52

it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me.

'Let's buy mummy this xxx for her birthday next week. But you mustn't tell her. It's our secret, ok?'

Never?

Aeroflotgirl · 15/08/2014 08:53

I agree, there are good secrets and bad secrets. Your dh is an equal parent to you and equally has a say, try to let go a bit. Your ds us 9, from your op I thought we were talking about a 2/3 year year old.

Catsmamma · 15/08/2014 08:54

of all the things to be concerned about!!

I think it is sweet, totally with your dh here, and YABU. ...unless of course there are MUCH worse examples of her undermining you on a regular basis.

PumpkinsMummy · 15/08/2014 08:55

I think I'm a bit of a rarity on here because I love my MIL and trust her implicitly with my DS. I made it clear from the start that when she was nice enough to look after him, it was her house, her rules. Grandparents IMO should spoil their grandchildren and have a close loving relationship and be able to have that independently of parents where possible and if they are trustworthy. Some sugar in his tea wouldn't bother me a jot to be honest.

however · 15/08/2014 08:57

I'm with your DH.

If your child was 3 and saw your MIL daily, or even a few times a week, that'd be different.

HappyJustToBe · 15/08/2014 08:59

I read the final word because she is Mum as over the MIL rather than over DH.

DaisyFlowerChain · 15/08/2014 09:04

I'm with your DH too. It's lovely to have something special with a grandparent that's just for you.

Given you could be on here moaning that she refuses to act as a gran as it's not her sons blood child etc, do you really need to moan about a spoonful of sugar they share as a special treat?

verybigcatflaps · 15/08/2014 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lizhow14 · 15/08/2014 09:08

My MIL also puts 'secret sugar' on my DC's fruit. She never actually told my DC to keep it a secret and my DC obviously didn't. It's now a running joke whenever we eat at hers....'can I have some secret sugar with that etc'.
It really doesn't bother me. I lnow that she loves my DC and takes excellent care of her so a bit of sugar doesn't bother me.

JoanBakersShopCake · 15/08/2014 09:09

*it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me.

'Let's buy mummy this xxx for her birthday next week. But you mustn't tell her. It's our secret, ok?'

Never? *

Let's buy mummy this xxx for her birthday next week. But you mustn't tell her. It's a surprise so we won't tell her, ok

A surprise is better than an child thinking that secrets are good. Too many children have been hurt because an adult told them it was their secret.

MuddlingMackem · 15/08/2014 09:09

Nanny0gg Fri 15-Aug-14 08:52:09

it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me.

'Let's buy mummy this xxx for her birthday next week. But you mustn't tell her. It's our secret, ok?'

Never?