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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL asking ds to keep a secret from me undermines me and is out of order?

145 replies

dobedobedo · 15/08/2014 08:26

MIL (ds1 step-gran) has a "secret tea" with my ds. I don't allow him to have sugar in his (decaf) tea, but they have a little secret where she gives him sugar in it and they don't tell me.

Ds1 has asked me a few times for sugar in his tea and I've refused. She knows this. She's been there.

Dh thinks this is a sweet little bonding secret between them. I think it's out of order as I'm the mum and I should have the final word and it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me. He's not quite mature enough to ascertain between an innocuous one and an important one I think, iyswim.

I do know sugar in tea isn't the end of the world. I know she's not asking him to keep a sinister secret, but I think the secret keeping and undermining me here is the issue. Not the sugar in the frigging tea.

AIBU? The whole thing has me quite upset tbh, especially when DH is giving me shit for not thinking it's cute.

OP posts:
Swingball · 15/08/2014 09:12

He told you about it though? The important thing is that he trusts you enough to tell you things. Over reacting to minor stuff is counterproductive I feel if this is what we want to achieve. If he picks up that a big deal is being made he might be less likely to tell you in future. I don't agree that a nine year old should have nothing private from you, I wouldn't expect this from my six year old.

RiverTam · 15/08/2014 09:12

surely a 9-year-old can tell the difference between a 'good' and 'bad' secret? Maybe have a chat with him about that? But blimey, GPs are meant to spoil their GCs, it's in the job description, surely! As long as you don't think she undermines you as a constant thing, I think it's fine.

hackmum · 15/08/2014 09:13

Tantrums: "Why does being the mum give you the final word?"

Because she's the one whose authority is being undermined.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/08/2014 09:13

Verybigcatflaps are you the op. Does your ds not get a little say in what he eats! Eventually shock horror there will come a time where you will not be able to control your ds choices! 1 sugar in his tea every now and then is not going to hurt, pick your battles. At 9 he is plenty old enough to decide himself if he wants sugar in his tea, granny is not offering a bottle of Bud, or a glass of wine. On the continent it's the norm for chikdren to have a but if wine with their meal Shock.

JenniferJo · 15/08/2014 09:14

YABU - your DH has as much say in this as you.

Joysmum · 15/08/2014 09:15

LyingWitchintheWardrobe summed up my thoughts perfectly.

deakymom · 15/08/2014 09:15

i hate secret keeping especially when its something the child knows you don't want them to have and something the MIL knows you don't want your child to have im sure she is not the type of person but how far do you let it go before its dont tell mommy about daddys new girlfriend? try a ciggie mommy wont know? little lies make it easier for big ones

my daughter was groomed i know all about little innocent lies and how they snowball when you get that type of person (again not saying your mil is like this)

what i am saying is children should never ever be persuaded to keep secrets from mom and dad

also birthday and christmas presents are not secrets they are surprises a secret is something NEVER TO BE TOLD

Sicaq · 15/08/2014 09:19

Awkward. For my own opinion (and it is just that: not saying I am right) it's only a problem if your son feels like he is being made piggy-in-the-middle. We all remember being told "don't tell your mam!" by one relative or another, and then being told off if you tell and told off if you don't tell ...

Is it part of a wider attempt to confuse things?

Bardette · 15/08/2014 09:20

I agree with Joan. In child protection training they recommend using surprise instead of secret as a surprise always has an end date. Children cannot judge between a 'good' and 'bad' secret, especially if an adult is telling them it's okay.

thegreylady · 15/08/2014 09:20

My young grandsons couldn't keep a secret from their mum (my dd) to save their lives.
Me:" Lets get Mummy some chocolate for a surprise. Now we won't tell her till after tea when you have your treat." Right , I buy a bar of extra dark G&B for dd and we go home. We open the door, two little boys (7&5) giggling and shushing each other as they carry the shopping between them.
Dd:" what's the joke boys?"
More giggles and pushes then dgs 1 pulls choc out of bag and dgs2 says,"Look! This is for you but grandma says its a secret for after tea. Shall we open it now?"
I give up!

LadyLuck10 · 15/08/2014 09:21

I think you are being massively unreasonable and very controlling. I'm with your DH on this. Your child could sneak a chocolate and have triple the amount of sugar fgs!
I think it's lovely he has those special times with his gran, given she sees him only a few times.
Why should you have the final say and not your DH.

BarbarianMum · 15/08/2014 09:22

My boys (8 and 6) know that they never have to keep a secret from mummy or daddy if its worrying them, and that grown ups shouldn't ask them to keep things they don't like secret.

But, as they grow up, I know there will be bits of their lives that they don't want to share with me - something that a friend has told them, times they've been in trouble at school, stuff they've done that they know I wouldn't approve of (eating tea in front of the telly every time my mum looks after them - (that's their 'secret').

Children need to develop a sense of individuality, and privacy, and to distinguish things that their parents do need to know about from those they don't. Sugar in tea with gran seems a pretty good place to start with that.

Clawdy · 15/08/2014 09:25

What a fuss over nothing. Be glad your son has a grandmother who loves him.

SixImpossible · 15/08/2014 09:27

If you do without sugar most of the time then introducing a little bit here and there in tea means that he will ALWAYS want it in tea.

Nonsense. Tastes can change over time,as can choices.

I'm the mum and I should have the final word

No. You parent together, and this is not a decision that affects you disproportionately.

it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me. He's not quite mature enough to ascertain between an innocuous one and an important one I think, iyswim.

Also, no. A child's life does not have to be totally transparent. 9 is not too young for some degree of privacy. It is your job to teach him what is appropriate and when. Our rule is "keep happy secrets, share worrying secrets".

I think the secret keeping and undermining me here is the issue

Yes, but only because you are taking stand on the wrong thing.

mrsruffallo · 15/08/2014 09:34

YABU
I think it's petty to get annoyed about something that happens a few times a year. She's trying to bond with her grandson. Sounds like you need to work on your mil dil relationship. For someone so far away she seems to irk you somewhat.

HenriettaTurkey · 15/08/2014 09:35

I completely agree that your dc should never have secrets. Grandma's sweet little secret blurs the line between the not-so-sweet little secret of someone who doesn't have dc's interests at heart. Surprises are fine.

I'd be livid. I'd also be upset if DH didn't work with me on this one. Whatever conclusion DH & You come to you need a united front in front of dc & dgm.

Good luck.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2014 09:40

I suggest you keep your son away from this evil corrupted women immediately divorce your husband as his point isnt valid and is incapable of making any reasonable parentind decisions pick up your children and run for the hills YABU and ridiculous it is a cup of tea with a spoon of sugar granny thinks you are being ridiculous also that is why she is having secretwild sugar filled parties.

RevoltingPeasant · 15/08/2014 09:40

I seriously don't know why people think NT 9yos are malleable enough or docile enough to not tell their parents things just because another adult tells them it's a secret. Really?

At nine I was absolutely capable of distinguishing between someone hitting or touching me inappropriately, and my grandma giving me a biscuit or some ice cream before dinner when we weren't supposed to have any.

And there is no comparison between that type of "secret" and concealing your son's adulterous affair, as someone suggested. If my DIL suggested of me that I was so immoral that I would hide cheating just because I gave my grandson a small treat, I'd be hugely affronted and probably wash my hands of her.

crashbandicoot · 15/08/2014 09:44

storm in a teacup

Goldmandra · 15/08/2014 09:45

Children don't always have the skills to differentiate between good and bad secrets. That's why we are advised to tell children they don't have to keep them.

I think it's fine for GPs to spoil their DGCs if they don't see them on a daily basis but I don't think sugar/sweets. treats should ever be a guilty secret. That gives the child a very negative message about food.

So two fairly unhealthy messages from Grandma on each visit.

I do think it's OK to pull rank on Grandma over the secrets thing but not over a small sweet treat a few times a year and I, too, read the 'I'm the mum' comments as comparison with the Grandma, not the father.

The next time you visit, pre-empt it by saying "By the way, it's fine for DS to have Grandma's special tea with a little sugar in today" before she makes it.

Original poster
dobedobedo · 15/08/2014 09:45

Argh sorry didn't mean to drip feed. Dh is not ds1's father. Ds1's dad is very much part of his life. Also ds1 has autism, though high functioning, so no. He wouldn't always know a good secret and a bad one.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 15/08/2014 09:45

My brother's MIL puts sugar in his children's tea "because children like sweet things" - they had been drinking & enjoying it without previously Hmm

She also doesn't fasten them in when driving them the half mile between their houses "because it's only a short distance" or insist they wear cycle helmets locally "it's only a quiet road" or put suncream on them "I like them nice & brown"

All part of her control-freakery Hmm

mrsruffallo · 15/08/2014 09:47

Alsolutely agree Revoltingpeasant. A child can distinguish between a cute little secret with his grandmother and something more sinister.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2014 09:48

What Revolting peasant said really grandparents saying sshhh here is a sweetie dont tell your mum is very different from everything. He is 9 years old he isnt being assaulted he isnt hiding anything and tbh he probably has a secret cake at grannys too.

Goldmandra · 15/08/2014 09:49

A child can distinguish between a cute little secret with his grandmother and something more sinister.

Not necessarily. That is why child abusers can rely on it.

The advice is given for a very good reason. Why would you ignore it.