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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL asking ds to keep a secret from me undermines me and is out of order?

145 replies

dobedobedo · 15/08/2014 08:26

MIL (ds1 step-gran) has a "secret tea" with my ds. I don't allow him to have sugar in his (decaf) tea, but they have a little secret where she gives him sugar in it and they don't tell me.

Ds1 has asked me a few times for sugar in his tea and I've refused. She knows this. She's been there.

Dh thinks this is a sweet little bonding secret between them. I think it's out of order as I'm the mum and I should have the final word and it is never okay for my 9 year old to have secrets from me. He's not quite mature enough to ascertain between an innocuous one and an important one I think, iyswim.

I do know sugar in tea isn't the end of the world. I know she's not asking him to keep a sinister secret, but I think the secret keeping and undermining me here is the issue. Not the sugar in the frigging tea.

AIBU? The whole thing has me quite upset tbh, especially when DH is giving me shit for not thinking it's cute.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 15/08/2014 10:16

I think when we all stop drilling into kids that sugar is special and naughty and a 'treat' we will see a big improvement in their own and future generation's attitude to food.

TheRealMaryMillington · 15/08/2014 10:19

It's not a secret though is it?

Because you know

So I think you are being a bit unreasonable in this particular context

pictish · 15/08/2014 10:22

Just read your latest post about mil being intrusive and critical about your parenting of ds2.
I think that tells me why this bothers you so much.

Let the tea parties slide, and concentrate on asserting yourself where it matters is my advice. Pick your battles and win them.

DamonAllbran · 15/08/2014 10:23

I was only ever allowed sugar in my tea at my Nan's. It was our secret & was as well kept as yours is - everyone knew about it!

When I have Grandkids I'll be doing the same. It's what being a grandparent is about!

I honestly don't think it's undermining anyone......

I'd chill & let them get on with their bonding....

fluffyraggies · 15/08/2014 10:24

I tried to uphold a really relaxed 'meh' sort of approach to sweet things with my older DDs. I tried not to turn sugar into some sort of prize or holly grail of food. I let them have it occasionally, but told them it was bad for their teeth and a bit expensive - no big deal. I thought this might help stop them using food as an emotional crutch in their adulthood.

My MIL and DM, however, has other ideas and would wave sweets at them gleefully the minute they walked into the house and did the 'secret' thing, (even though i hadn't banned sweets/choc) making my stance totally untenable. Even though i had explained how i felt. It was really bloody annoying.

For this reason i fell YANBU!

CarbeDiem · 15/08/2014 10:49

I understand you about the undermining. I wouldn't have too much of a problem with the sugar tbh - she doesn't do it often so I'd probably let it go.
I would have a huge issue with the fact she's turned it into a secret though.

For reasons which I won't go into here but I'm sure you can imagine why - I drummed into my own dc and also my nieces not to keep secrets from Mummy. Yes, when they're younger you may find out about surprises but it's a small price to pay to know that they'll come to you after being told not to tell.
For that I'd be more angry.
Can you have a word with her and ask her to use ''Grandma's treat'' not ''Grandma's secret''

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2014 11:09

OP... this isn't about the sugar at all, that's a red herring.

Your husband has as much say as you do whether he's the biological dad or not. You don't get the support/inclusion AND the powers of veto. You decide which is most important to you. That makes me cross because it should be automatic.

Because you feel as if your MIL has more 'rights' to dictate what happens with your second son (blood and all that crap), you feel aggrieved and are trying to gain control over the blood YOU share with your first son. You're on a hiding to disappointment if you carry on like that. Your MIL sounds as if she wants to be involved. You and your husband need to decide the level and then discuss and agree that with her. No big drama needed.

Try not to store up resentment and please, stop using your children as some kind of 'control measures', they are not, they're part of a bigger family but you DO have the power to bring this crashing down if you so choose.

verybigcatflaps · 15/08/2014 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamSlave · 15/08/2014 15:36

LookingThroughTheFog Fri 15-Aug-14 09:52:54

We have had this confusion too of hiding things and sweets and so on...by GP and uncles/aunts. As you say, their very actions is imply we would be cross and angry and so on.

I am 100% against secrets too and have told DD utterly no secrets.

A brilliant post written a long time back ( but this year) said something along lines of, protecting child from abuse in family, would include lots of open communication with child, and no secrets, along with some other things, to send a clear message to any would be try it on er's that this child is a no go.

As the poster said, if one child is protected by this, its worth it. Worth it more than granny having a secret in my opion, I could not care less about the sugar. Grooming can start with little things like - choclates - our secret and then more onto more sinister things that why its called grooming not launching in.

Marmiteandjamislush · 15/08/2014 16:03

YABU-- It's tea with a bit of sugar, not a crack pipe! You obviously have bigger issues with your Mother in Law.

IamSlave · 15/08/2014 16:11

Marmite, its not really about the sugar its about her choices that the GM is undermining and the secret stuff. however funny comment when sugar is being likened to crack these days Confused

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 15/08/2014 16:14

But it isn't a secret -so the issue about not wanting children to be encouraged to keep secrets is irrelevant. There is no secret.

ADHDNoodles · 15/08/2014 16:54

I'm the mum and I should have the final word

This is a power struggle between you and MIL. It has nothing to do with a little sugar.

I'd work on your relationship with MIL before freaking out about a little sugar. You'll just look high strung, and she'll associate it with the sugar, not the fact that she's undermining you.

Maybe come to a compromise. She is an adult and as a grandparent she will form her own unique relationship. She is not second mother to him, so stop trying to put her in that position. She will do things differently than you, so let her. Stop creating an atmosphere where she has to hide something harmless from you.

As long as her action is doing no harm (and a little sugar in tea isn't going to hurt him), I wouldn't worry.

In the mean time, do talk to her and your DS about secret keeping. Children should never keep secrets from adults.

Careful how you react to it. If you react too negatively, DS will think "Oh, telling gets granny in trouble. I'll be quiet from now on". Just because you tell your kids not to keep secrets doesn't mean they won't.

MrsBoldon · 15/08/2014 18:18

I agree that's not a secret if you know!.

Having worked with abusers and the abused for a long time abuse is usually not 'just a secret' - it's a secret that is also associated with a terrible potential outcome. It's a secret BECAUSE if you tell - I'll go to prison, you'll be sent away, everyone will be angry, Mummy will cry, I'll hurt Mummy or your baby sister etc etc.

Children are notoriously bad at keeping 'secrets' unless they've been told that something bad will happen if they tell.

Granny let's you have sugar but it's a secret isn't terrible in my opinion. Granny gives you sugar but don't tell Mummy because she'll be angry/upset - not OK.

Itsfab · 15/08/2014 18:26

Secrets - no

Surprises - yes.

poppadompete · 15/08/2014 18:38

Yabvu. Even without her only living so far away, that just makes it worse. Relax, I'm sure your son will survive. Your poor sons future wife!

drudgetrudy · 15/08/2014 19:46

What she is doing is mildly undermining -but she is trying to be kind and is accepting your DS as her grandchild.
Look at the threads about nasty people who will not acknowledge step or adopted grandchildren whilst making a great fuss of their sibs/cousins.
Much more damaging than a bit of sugar every few months.
Pick your battles

CrapBag · 15/08/2014 20:30

OP YADNBU.

I am frankly astonished at all the responses saying how it is 'cute' etc. What a load of shit.

No its not cute, no it's not OK for her to tell him to keep it secret. Its only secret because she is doing something you have said not to. Child abuse happens older than 9 because they get told to keep it secret. This 'he should know the difference between a good secret and a bad secret' is bullshit. He doesn't, so it matters.

The op does get final say as well, I get final say in my house because I am the primary carer and do nearly everything for the DCs. DH is a fantastic dad and spends loads of quality time with them but when it comes down to everything from rules, to what they wear to ordering prescriptions and organising appointments, its down to me therefore I get final say. Plus DH always asks me anyway and would never take the initiative.

DamonAllbran · 15/08/2014 20:40

Plus DH always asks me anyway and would never take the initiative.

Does he get the chance?? Grin

howdoimakehimnoticeme · 15/08/2014 20:45

I cannot stand my ex-MIL.

She made tea with sugar in it, bread and butter and sugar sandwiches and let DD eat cake before dinner if she wanted.

My mother and father also allow ice cream just before dinner, far too many toys, comics and junk.

Pick your battles - this isn't one of them.

LoonvanBoon · 15/08/2014 20:49

YANBU. I agree with Goldmandra's posts - instructing a child to keep a secret (as opposed to a surprise) from his parent isn't something a GP or any other adult should be doing. And it's not healthy to turn food treats into guilty secrets anyway.

I saw your other thread, OP, & it does sound as though you're having wider issues with MIL, which is why you're feeling undermined.

On the basis of the other thread, I think that's understandable. The bigger problem seems to be that your husband isn't being very supportive, & isn't prepared to question any aspect of his mum's behaviour.

Unfortunately that does mean you need to tackle this yourself, either by speaking directly to your MIL or - as someone said upthread - pre-empting her by saying, while your DS is there, that you know all about the sugar so there's no need for all the silliness about secrets.

DogCalledRudis · 15/08/2014 20:52

Unless your DS is diabetic who cannot have sugar, or you have some religious beliefs against sugar, then YABVU.

slithytove · 15/08/2014 20:53

Secrets = bad
Surprises / happy privacy = good

Putting boundaries between child and mum by saying shhhh don't tell mummy = bad
Saying shall we have granny's special tea for a treat = good

Teaching children that food is something to be kept hidden = bad
Teaching moderation = good

Not difficult. But I don't look forward to teaching the GP's all this!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 15/08/2014 22:03

So difficult for you. Is there any work you can do with ds on explaining he can tell you anything and some grown ups are silly and say secret when they don't mean it?

I would definitely take the sting out of this one and start calling it grandmas special tea, in front of her and alone with ds, 'ohhh have fun and you enjoy GM special tea' etc